Cicade de Deus

[EmergencyRoom]

Just been re-reading the story about the brazilian possibly illegal immigrant who was shot five times in the head in London on incorrect suspicions that he was a terrorist. Wrote this piece, again not my usual style but i'm trying to be varied and i was inspired. This probably doesn't do the situation justice but all help apprieciated.
Crit for crit as per usual.

Cidade de Deus
By David Neilson

Another day begins with prayers
To a god who tests us each day
The crucifixion looms over us all
Today our other debt, we strive to repay

Redemption for our child
Starts with payment in souls
Savouring each violation as a gift
So that he may grow old

So we sent him off
Across tempered seas
Thug money for our bodies
For a life we’ll never see


Wake up
Sleep caressed in a way I’ve never been
Look out
At a city I’ve never seen
Get ready
For opportunities for purity
Chances for life
Exit from the gangs
No need for the knife
A city with no guns
Safe like the womb
Blanketed in cold sunshine
Finally free from my tomb

Dressed and it’s cold out
A chill I’m not used to
Go off to see the sights
On an open top bus
No Jesus above
A clock chimes the new day
Fresh start by the river
Give thanks for their sacrifice

A barrier in front
Gunmen with no minds
Calling out threats
Things I thought I’d left behind
Vault to the station
Into the subway
A carriage full of strangers
None reach out to hug me
I stumble and crash
Pounced on from behind
Five quick flashes later
I’m the man with no mind

Another day begins with prayers
To a god who tests us each day
The crucifixion looms over us all
Today the debt we asked for, we happily repay

[aerialrevenge]

I liked it. It's a good storyteller. Wouldn't really brighten your day though. Got the point across well enough. Great rhyming, didnt seem forced. I didn't get the whole 'no Jesus above' part though. 7.5/10

[aerialrevenge]

Oh i forgot, great flow, it is a quite lengthy song and i didnt once get bored or want to quit. It kept me interested.

[ozzfest05]

nice, i like it, couldnt picture it being sand though. props for flow a little lenghty tho,

crit mine if u get the chance i have a few

[EmergencyRoom]

nice, i like it, couldnt picture it being sand though. props for flow a little lenghty tho,

crit mine if u get the chance i have a few


Sand?

:confused:

Also, i was maybe presuming too much. Rio de janeiro is known as the City Of God. It has a massive statue of jesus in a crucifixion-like pose (I can't remember what it's called) looking over the city.


Hope that clears things up. Keep them coming :thumb:

[AcidQueen]

Christ of Corcovado

[Biancazzurri]

The crucifixion looms over us all
I don't like this line at all, don't talk for everybody though I know many brazilians ar christians but this should be written that way

Why do you link the piece so much to the jesus?
You tell the story is it was(maybe) and mostly nothing about the feelings - like the last stanza that is the best for me. Or shorten it or insert more emotions.

crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=374999

[EmergencyRoom]

Thank you for the name of the statue. The link to jesus and the way it is phrased is to emphasise the debt they owe, both for letting their son start a new life, and for jesus to die for their sins. I'm not particularly religious but the statue is a very effective image to me.

The story isn't verbatim. It's the kind of scenario i'd imagine. It's very sad to see someone die in such a horrible way for trying to get away from poverty and violence.


Thanks for the crits. Anyone else is welcome and i'll get onto critting yours, probably tomorrow. :thumb:

[PunkyMcEmo]

Another day begins with prayers
To a god who tests us each day
The crucifixion looms over us all
Today our other debt, we strive to repay
^ this is good. i love the mood youre setting here. i dont like the last line though. it doesnt flow, and 'the other debt' is unclear and awkward. if you reworded that, itd be a very good verse.

Redemption for our child
Starts with payment in souls
Savouring each violation as a gift
So that he may grow old
^ decent verse. im a little unsure of what it means. im not really in tune with all the catholic customs. maybe thats why. anyway, still pretty good

So we sent him off
Across tempered seas
Thug money for our bodies
For a life we’ll never see
^ oooh i like this. good story telling here. i like the third line, even though it doesnt completely flow.

Wake up
Sleep caressed in a way I’ve never been
Look out
At a city I’ve never seen
Get ready
For opportunities for purity
Chances for life
Exit from the gangs
No need for the knife
A city with no guns
Safe like the womb
Blanketed in cold sunshine
Finally free from my tomb
^ this is told really well. mucho good :] haha and really sad considering i read your thing at the top and know where this is going...

Dressed and it’s cold out
A chill I’m not used to
Go off to see the sights
On an open top bus
No Jesus above
A clock chimes the new day
Fresh start by the river
Give thanks for their sacrifice
^ i dig it. i know you could do better to add spice to it. the 'no jesus above' thing is pretty cool, but i think you could add more.

A barrier in front
Gunmen with no minds
Calling out threats
Things I thought I’d left behind
Vault to the station
Into the subway
A carriage full of strangers
None reach out to hug me
I stumble and crash
Pounced on from behind
Five quick flashes later
I’m the man with no mind
^ holy crap i like this. youre really good at story telling. the last line, i dont like. it doesnt flow, and kinda is a weak ending to a strong stanza

Another day begins with prayers
To a god who tests us each day
The crucifixion looms over us all
Today the debt we asked for, we happily repay
^ this a hot ending. it flows a lot better than the first one.

goodjob :] 8/10
i loved the story telling, i didnt always like the wordings. they sometimes seemed forced.

[RollerQueen]

This is the sound of me putting a dot on this thread so I can check it out when I get home from work.

MINT