Hello, i need some help

[soldmysoul4rocknroll]

hello, im a guitarist, and very know little about writting lyrics. In my band i have very little say about the vocals, but id like to participate more in the vocals. I wrote a song, but don't know if its any good, or worth showing the rest of the band. So if you guys could just read it, and maybe rate it like out of ten or something that'd be alot of help.

verse1
The obsessions so real,
all the life I don't feel,
the only hate that's sprung
from my only love, the pain
that haunts me day by day,
going through life,
walking the wrong way,

chorus;
As i fill my lungs with toxic,
it distort my mind with beauty,
as i drown out realty,
i see your face,
i see true beauty
then i think to myself,
this world is not for me,


verse 2
Stuck in a life of pain,
with formenting memories of love,
that i carry like chains,
true to only emotion,
and its not love,
feels worse than pain,
feels like a bisectimy of love,
of all that had,
and all the love will never be

chorus;

verse3
Can you relate?
Will you take your time
and love me,
just to liberate
the feelings of misery inside of me,
that are turning into
anger and hate,
or will you look the other way,
and leave me to rot and waste


sooo..any constructive critisism will be deeply apreciated thanks in advance.. :thumb:

[aerialrevenge]

It was good. The flow wasn't extremely perfect though, and a couple rhymes were off. If your band is punk rock it should work just right. Slap music on it and your band has a new song. You might show the vocalist the song and ask him to rearrange or add some stuff to it though.6/10 , if you fix some of the things wrong with it, probably 7-8/10

[soldmysoul4rocknroll]

what exactly is wrong with it like what parts? my bands more iuonno alt...influences are tool and mudvayne