Blacklight

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Blacklight
Andy Thomas

You can run, but where will you hide,
When the light goes on and everything inside,
Sillouettes against a blood red sky,
Against a blood red sky.

See you drive through concrete streets,
Where rainy days and secrets meet,
And you keep it all inside,
Each time you dream, you're jaded.

Last call and this ship is leaving,
This could be the last night of your life,
This twisted web you're weaving,
Is this where you want to be?
Is this where you want to be?

Find a life through shrouds of lies,
Through clouds in skys that only part for you,
There will be no blind eye for you,
Each time a new piece dies.

CHORUS

Is this where you want to be?
Is this where you want to be?
If you believe what they can see,
Would this be where you want to be?

CHORUS

[EmergencyRoom]

You can run, but where will you hide,
When the light goes on and everything inside,
Sillouettes against a blood red sky,
Against a blood red sky.


The imagery isn't great and could use a little work. "Blood red sky" is an overdone sort of metaphor, though the repition is effective. The First thr lines set the scene but have no standout qualities.



See you drive through concrete streets,
Where rainy days and secrets meet,
And you keep it all inside,
Each time you dream, you're jaded.


I like the flow of this, the rhymes in the first two lines are very natural. In the third line i feel you could use some imagery to make the line a little more prominent.



Last call and this ship is leaving,
This could be the last night of your life,
This twisted web you're weaving,
Is this where you want to be?
Is this where you want to be?


Now this is a little stronger. The rhymes and repition are excellent and the "last night of your life...leaving ship" image is nice. The only things are the "twisted web" image that again is a bit cliched and maybe a change of wording for the second line. I like the second lines ideas but again it's lacking the imagery to make it a really good line.



Find a life through shrouds of lies,
Through clouds in skys that only part for you,
There will be no blind eye for you,
Each time a new piece dies.


I love this. I like the images and rhymes. The idea of shrouds and clouds is nice. Nothing i'd change here.


Is this where you want to be?
Is this where you want to be?
If you believe what they can see,
Would this be where you want to be?



I have to say i don't really like this. As a chorus it offers nothing to "tie" all the verses together and it seems very muddled.



Overall i'd give it 6/10. I must confess that i'd seen your last work on here and i was so impressed that i searched and read quite a few of your other pieces. This isn't one of your best, but from what else i've read of you i look forward to reading more in the future because you do have a lot of talent.

I see the NIN influence in the repitition and some of the rhymes, glad to see someone else here thinks their fantastic too :thumb:

Could you have a go at mine if you get a chance

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=373328

Thanks

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Many thanks! I'll get onto your song right away. Bump...

[ozzfest05]

this piece seems like the rhymes dont flow very well togother, buts its interesting, you should add more imagery to this particular piece..

grats..

check mine if u get the chance

[Behind Zildjians]

nice job... i like the wording... 8/10

check mine out
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=375731

[LoserFriendly]

You can run, but where will you hide,
When the light goes on and everything inside,
Sillouettes against a blood red sky,
Against a blood red sky.

This isn't a bad start, although slightly vague. I agree with ER in that blood red sky is slightly cliche but it's not a bad start

See you drive through concrete streets,
Where rainy days and secrets meet,
And you keep it all inside,
Each time you dream, you're jaded.

I don't think "see" is totally necessary in the 1st line. But the flow and rhyme from line 1 to 2 is done nicely. 3rd line was slightly filler.

Last call and this ship is leaving,
This could be the last night of your life,
This twisted web you're weaving,
Is this where you want to be?
Is this where you want to be?

Slightly more boring and filler than previously, I think you need to expand on the 1st line. The web line is slightly random, I think you should continue with the last call/last night theme. Not sure if I like the repeat of Last in line 1 and 2.

Find a life through shrouds of lies,
Through clouds in skys that only part for you,
There will be no blind eye for you,
Each time a new piece dies.

1st line is very cliche. 2nd line is worded clumsily. rest is fine. I didn't like the 1st two lines that much, but that's mainly the wording, and the use of "lies".

CHORUS

Is this where you want to be?
Is this where you want to be?
If you believe what they can see,
Would this be where you want to be?

The most uninteresting verse so far, but since it's the chorus, maybe you're going for singability

Overall not bad, though I think some of it needs to be more coherent that a lot of nicely constructed verses and lines. The ending also needs ot be worked on since this is slightly vague.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Ok, well, I don't want to make lame excuses for the crud-ness of my songs lately, but I thought I might explain a little. I've been concentrating more on melodies, and refining my technique. Once I have those guidelines in order, hopefully, I should be able to get my writing up again. Thanks...

This song is about living a lie, and that sooner or later, it will catch up to you. Hope that makes a bit more sense... Peace, Andy!