Shell of a Surgeon

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

--crit for good crit.

Ben Stivers
8/3/05

Shell of a Surgeon

We're all ****ing catatonic here.
It's like a morgue, with flower print wallpaper peeling from the concrete.
We're candid statues here with colorless eyes.
We don't read into anything,
The object - to remove disease -
Clarity surfaced on the edge of a blade.

It's a hospital drama so played out and trite,
(I did it to please the majority, when all they ask for is familiarity.)
Lucid and lurid at the same time; intertwine.
One hundred black lungs,
One hundred black lungs.
And fifty patients dying.

The cause remains unknown,
Another screams for the control,
Begging for the choice of his comfort, and the safety of home.

We're the surgeons who hide behind white masks,
To hide from the plague,
And speak without asking for another's consent,
While we plunge in the knives,
To remove the disease,
So we can sleep through the night without the coughing and choking,
Of one hundred black lungs,
One hundred black lungs.

And another victim dying.

[RollerQueen]

Did you have to curse in the first line? Ah well. This reminds me of a line that's stuck in my head: "And the pulse monitor beat like a child's game of crack the whip, falling off into a straight line eventually." Ten points for that. Ahem.

Aside from the poor opener, the rest of the beginning isn't too bad. As a grammar Nazi, I have to object to your misuse of dashes. Something about that last line doesn't sit well, either, but I get what you're saying with it. It sounds too formulaic.

In the second stanza, there's a problem in using "so" in that manner without resolving the idea. Brownie points = lost. "Lucid and lurid" works for the most part, though it's more effective as a visual flair. The second half of it's alright, a dainty mantra.

I'd omit or heavily alter the third stanza. It's easily the weakest part and doesn't further the story.

Finally, you end by tapping into the psychology of the actions, even if only a little bit. It's an alright ending, but you can do better. I don't know what else to say. It's not terrible, not awesome, but there nonetheless.

Crit my song, "Love Pickle Of The Apocalypse."

[EmergencyRoom]

We're all ****ing catatonic here.
It's like a morgue, with flower print wallpaper peeling from the concrete.
We're candid statues here with colorless eyes.
We don't read into anything,
The object - to remove disease -
Clarity surfaced on the edge of a blade.


I like the first line due to it's attention grabbing-ness. Use of profanity in such a way can be very effective. The " candid statue..colourless eyes" line is a very nice image, emotionless and oblivious. i also like the last line immensely, for some reason it reminds me of lyrics from the Mars Volta, abstract but conveying the idea well. The "single-minded" theme carried throughout the first vers is headed off well with that last line. I like the flow of the first verse as well.


It's a hospital drama so played out and trite,
(I did it to please the majority, when all they ask for is familiarity.)
Lucid and lurid at the same time; intertwine.
One hundred black lungs,
One hundred black lungs.
And fifty patients dying.


I like the first line, it follows on well from the previous line. The second line however, i really don't like. There's just something about it that doesn't fit. The idea your going for fits but i think it's the way that you've worded it. The
next four lines are excellent and i love the repitition as it's very effective when the idea of half the patients dying comes around but i think that "intertwine" is surplus to requirements. The flow of this would be near perfect if you got rid of that one word. It also doesn't really add much to the third line.


The cause remains unknown,
Another screams for the control,
Begging for the choice of his comfort, and the safety of home.


I don't get the second line of this, but maybe it's too early for my brain to be working properly. I like the way this flows again. I also like the last line because of the idea it conveys. No real complaints except my confusion :p


We're the surgeons who hide behind white masks,
To hide from the plague,
And speak without asking for another's consent,
While we plunge in the knives,
To remove the disease,
So we can sleep through the night without the coughing and choking,
Of one hundred black lungs,
One hundred black lungs.

And another victim dying.

I think this entire verse is fantastic. The images of surgeons"hiding" behind white masks gives the idea that they're ashamed as well as defending themselves, but maybethats just me. This song has some of the best use of repitition that i've seen on here and it really adds to the ending.


Overall 9/10. I really liked this. Just the odd minor quarrel about how things are worded but a really very good piece. As i said, the repitition was great and really added to the power of the song. An original theme helps this as well. Well done.

Out of interest, are you a fan of The Mars Volta or At the Drive-In? It seems very much like their sort of style.

Also, could you dissect mine please, it's not really up to your this standard at all, but i'd value your opinion, Thanks :thumb:

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=373328

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I was just pointing out a noticable comparison, calm down.

[ozzfest05]

kk, i was also wondering ur influences, who do u listen to

[Gypsy Campervan]

kk, i was also wondering ur influences, who do u listen to

Poetry comes from within your mind, not someone elses.