Me vs. Me

[VUbaru]

This is a song about battling with our inner demons, in whatever form they may be. We all experience doubt, insecurity, depression, guilt, regret, or despair at one point or another and are forced to cope. Sometimes these repressed feelings come out in the form of actions or words that you later feel sorry for. As if someone else is acting-- an alternate persona.

Anyway, that's why this song is uncharacteristically dark for me. There's a lot of personal meaning to me in it, but feel free to rip it to shreds. Phrases in parentheses are screamed/yelled.

Bonus points if you can identify the source for the allusion in the bridge.

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Intro:

When the brave fall
Rise above it all
In clouds of white
A one-way flight

Verse 1:

A voice calls out from shadows
The vain swept by the wind
I seek an answer but find nothing
But echoes from within

I’ll drown in shallow water
Reflection holds me down
I seek an answer but find nothing
The emptiness of sound

Chorus:

Will I give in
Will my heart outlast my head
Give out before I’m dead
Or are these my final words?

Repeat my final breath (before I’m gone)
Repeat my final breath (before I’m gone)
Lest you forget
(How I carried on)

Verse 2: Duet

Don’t listen to the voice inside
Saying things that aren’t true
(When you wonder why I lie
Remember who you’re talking to)

This is me against myself
(This is me taking control)
This is me at the end of my rope
(I never asked for your help)

Bridge/breakdown:

(A candle lit at both ends—
What will you do when the flames meet?)
My wick’s burning down
The light grows dim…

Chorus:

Will I give in
Will my heart outlast my head
Give out before I’m dead
Or Are these my final words?

Repeat my final breath (after I’m gone)
Repeat my final breath (after I’m gone)
Lest you forget
(How I carried on)

-----
Rev. 1: "The laughingstock of town" changed to "The emptiness of sound."

[Mango]

Intro:

When the brave fall
Rise above it all
In clouds of white
A one-way flight

Seems like forced rhyming in there. Remember it doesn always have to rhyme just flow well.

Verse 1:

A voice calls out from shadows
The vain swept by the wind
I seek an answer but find nothing
But echoes from within

I like the ending line of this stanza. Its nice and strong.

I’ll drown in shallow water
Reflection holds me down
I seek an answer but find nothing
The laughingstock of town

Last line seems way too forced. Ideas are also kinda jumbled.

Chorus:

Will I give in
Will my heart outlast my head
Give out before I’m dead
Or are these my final words?

Good way to break out of the rhyming every line habit. Nice last line.

Repeat my final breath (before I’m gone)
Repeat my final breath (before I’m gone)
Lest you forget
(How I carried on)

Pretty good.

Verse 2: Duet

Don’t listen to the voice inside
Saying things that aren’t true
(When you wonder why I lie
Remember who you’re talking to)

I think this is the 2 conflicting parts of you talking if so good.If not i'm confused.

This is me against myself
(This is me taking control)
This is me at the end of my rope
(I never asked for your help)

Good.

Bridge/breakdown:

(A candle lit at both ends—
What will you do when the flames meet?)
My wick’s burning down
The light grows dim…

Really like the symbolizom.

Chorus:

Will I give in
Will my heart outlast my head
Give out before I’m dead
Or Are these my final words?

Repeat my final breath (after I’m gone)
Repeat my final breath (after I’m gone)
Lest you forget
(How I carried on)

Same as before



Just needs a little more work. Also maybe the words in parenthasice should be sung lower and softer not yelled. If you have time crit mine. "Where o Where"

[VUbaru]

Just needs a little more work. Also maybe the words in parenthasice should be sung lower and softer not yelled. If you have time crit mine. "Where o Where"

Crit incoming sometime tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for the input.

I figured I'd explain a few things for the record. The AABB rhyme scheme in the intro is sung very softly and slowly, almost whispered. I might end up taking out entirely and making a new song out of it, not using those exact same words, of course. Rather, I'd just take the imagery and use that as a starting point.

The second stanza of the first verse does have some mixed imagery. Will work on that. Probably will change "Laughingstock of town" to "The emptiness of sound" or "No one else around." What do you guys think?

As for the second verse duet, what I was trying to do was make the other vocalist my alter-ego. I was going to have the alter-ego scream and then I would sing normally.

Thanks again.

[VUbaru]

Bump.

Crit for crit, folks.

[Iwannabearockstar08]

i really like the flow, and i'm not exactly sure that i can personally relate, but i think a lot of people can. 8.5/10

[forgotton fire]

a candle burning at both ends won't last throughout the night. or somthing like that. anyway, i thought this peice was awsome. the whole "fighting inner demons" subject has always beeen a favorite of mine, and i can relate, both in life and in songs i've written. i really couldn't find anything wrong. a couple of the lines do seem a little forced, though. i loved the imagery. this will be great with music. 9.25/10 :thumb:
you can crit me at
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8814983#post8814983

[VUbaru]

a candle burning at both ends won't last throughout the night. or somthing like that. anyway, i thought this peice was awsome. the whole "fighting inner demons" subject has always beeen a favorite of mine, and i can relate, both in life and in songs i've written. i really couldn't find anything wrong. a couple of the lines do seem a little forced, though. i loved the imagery. this will be great with music. 9.25/10 :thumb:
you can crit me at
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8814983#post8814983

Which lines seem forced? Point them out and I'll take another look at them.

Actually, I hadn't thought of that reference either-- I'm not sure if anyone in particular said that one, though.

What I had in mind was the work of Edna St. Vincent Millay, who said something like "Love is a candle burning at both ends," in one of her poems. If anyone wants to see the direct quote I can dig it up via Google.

[PunkSkater163]

wow, i thought this song was actually really well written. I knew what to excpect from the ssong because of what you said before. But I didn't even need that. Good Job, get a recording! if the tune i what I thought then this song will really good!
wanna edit mine? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368992