Where O Where?

[Mango]

Wrote this the other day. I know its missing somethign and I'm still trying to find it until then please crit what i have. I'll crit back if you like. Thanks

Where o where have you gone?
Headed out and on your way
Where o where is my darlin girl?
Took my heart with thy

Now I’m calling out your name but
My search seems in vain
For I doubt you will come back to me

Where o where are those eyes?
Pretty as the setting of the western skies
Where o where are those precious lips?
Upon which I would graze

Now I’m calling out your name but
My souls in pain
I just wish you’d come back to me

Where o where is your soul?
Need to find my souls’ mate
Where o where is your heart?
I wish it was with me

Now I’m calling out your name but
I just can’t contain
The sadness when you left me

[forgotton fire]

this isn't bad. i hope it's supposed to be a poem. the only problem i have with this is that it's about losing some one, which is a powerful topic, but is getting old. i'll give it an 7.5/10. you can crit me at
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8806967#post8806967

[VUbaru]

My comments in bold.



Where o where have you gone?
Headed out and on your way
Where o where is my darlin girl?
Took my heart with thy [thy what? "thy" is a possessive adjective]

Not sure if I'm fond of "darlin girl." Are you southern? Does this fit you? If not, consider revising. Flow is good, except for the noun missing at the end of the stanza.

Now I’m calling out your name but
My search seems in vain
For I doubt you will come back to me

Name/vain couplet works well. Instead of "search," maybe "yelling"? Improves flow a bit. "For" in the third line seems a bit pretentious and you may be able to cut syllables by removing it. Otherwise, so far so good.


Where o where are those eyes?
Pretty as the setting of the western skies
Where o where are those precious lips?
Upon which I would graze [I think you mean "gAze," you're not eating grass off her lips :lol:]

Adjectives here need some work. "Pretty" is very generic. What about the eyes makes them like the western sky? Are they blue? Fiery? You could make this line really cool.

Also "Setting of the western skies" is pretty cool, but the sky doesn't set; the sun does. Maybe "Sunset on/of the western sky" instead? Just small-minded logical nitpicking, I know.

Same deal with "precious" as with "pretty"-- this is a good place for another metaphor. Don't waste it on a generic adjective. I know you can make it more unique and interesting than "precious"!

Now I’m calling out your name but
My souls in pain
I just wish you’d come back to me

Would definitely consider revising this, if it's going to be your hook. Name/pain is fine, but "soul's in pain" is very contrived. Additional modification of the last line in this chorus from the last line in the previous chorus is good. Maybe you could use another metaphor/simile/symbol here to spice things up? Flow is good, very singable.

Where o where is your soul?
Need to find my souls’ mate
Where o where is your heart?
I wish it was with me

This is just my opinion, obviously, but as I'm reading this I'm getting tired of the "where o where"-style of the verse. Maybe you can change it up a little bit?

Is the repetition of soul with the previous chorus intentional? Not sure how I feel about that...

Your way of phrasing the subject matter is getting somewhat cliched. Be wary of that.

Now I’m calling out your name but
I just can’t contain
The sadness when you left me

Name/contain rhyme is consistant with the rest of the choruses. Interesting. Make the third line more meaningful/memorable.


One of the best pieces of advice I ever received about writing was from my high school composition teacher several years ago, whose motto was "Show; don't tell." Don't TELL the reader/listener the emotions the people are feeling, or what happened, etc. Instead, paint a picture with your words and make it so they can see/hear it. Once you do that, your piece looks/sounds twice as more interesting and your writing instantly becomes less cliched.

A very singable song with good flow, but lacking in substance that is interesting or new. Post any revisions you make and I'll help you as best I can.

-Mark

[Mango]

Wow Mark thank you. If all the members here were as helpful as you then everybody would have the the encouragement and help to write great songs. Your the man Mark. :thumb:

[VUbaru]

Anytime man. I'll keep on the lookout for your new stuff. Thanks for the complements.