How far the Fall

[forgotton fire]

alright guys, this is my first song for you to crit. please do so.

HOW FAR THE FALL
(intro/chorus)
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me believe

what is all of this
that's left in silence
why are we afraid
to speak our hearts
we can hide it
with self-defiance
but all that will do do
is rip us apart

and so i'm holding on
with almost nothing to show
how far is the fall
if i decide to let go

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
wanting to scream
and we're falling apart
ripping at the seams

so face your fears
don't hold back the tears
decide if it's worth it after all

and throughout your years
you can always come here
if you need some one to break your falls

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
yo cut through my heart
and make me believe

if we can make it through this
it'll be more than worth it
just wait and see

if we can find an answer
a cure for all our cancers
we won't have to bleed

(softer) so here we are
just you and me
we may be falling far
bu we'll land on our feet
(louder) so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and help me see
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed

[usuck]

That was really good! I think that's the best song I've read on this site. Good job. 10/10. I don't think you should change a thing excpet maybe check for grammatical errors.

[forgotton fire]

thank you very much! and thanks for being the first to crit me. i've been waiting 2 hours for someone to do more than look at it.

[EmoMagnum]

I like this but I have to say one thing. Its really, really, really....long. It kind of feels like you started writing, and more and more ideas just came out and you added them in. Some parts of it seemed too be too much, and trimming the song down would make for a really good song. Its still rather generic in the word usage, but it works well for this song.

If you could critique mine, ----> http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368601

[forgotton fire]

thanks. some of it is just what came to mind but i am trimming it down. i figured simple language would work best for the song. my next song will be a little more verbose. i'll crit yours when i'm done writing this.

[forgotton fire]

ok, so 23 viewings and only 2 crits. i guess nobody has a problem with it. lol. but seriously, would some one else please crit this. leave a link and i'll crit yours.

[Mango]

Well here it goes.



HOW FAR THE FALL
(intro/chorus)
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me believe

Really like this especially the last line where you think its goign to be bleed repeated but its not.

what is all of this
that's left in silence
why are we afraid
to speak our hearts
we can hide it
with self-defiance
but all that will do do
is rip us apart

Like it till it gets rip us apart. That just doesnt flow well in my mind. Kinda seemed forced rhyme.

and so i'm holding on
with almost nothing to show
how far is the fall
if i decide to let go

Good Good, maybe change decide to choose.

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
wanting to scream
and we're falling apart
ripping at the seams

Nice repetition. Good strong lines. Then you change it up also nice. Maybe instead of ripping use tearing.

so face your fears
don't hold back the tears
decide if it's worth it after all

Fears and tears seemed like forced rhyming.

and throughout your years
you can always come here
if you need some one to break your falls

Like it. Seems like too many "your/you" maybe for the last line put "If in need of someone ot break a fall"

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
yo cut through my heart
and make me believe

Same as last time

if we can make it through this
it'll be more than worth it
just wait and see

Pretty good. Seems a bit weak.

if we can find an answer
a cure for all our cancers
we won't have to bleed

Like this alot though cancer seems out of place to me

(softer) so here we are
just you and me
we may be falling far
but we'll land on our feet
(louder) so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and help me see
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed

Nice way to end it. I like it.



I like it. Just tweek it a bit more to get the kinks out and you got yourself an awesome peice.

[islamicbob5342]

Definitely a good first song. I'd go deeper but you said you don't like to give other's advice so I'll do the same for you. I will give it a B- though!

[andysmit]

there are some places where you could trim off a few of the repeats, but it was a great song, now i wanna hear the music if you have any, or if you can record it
9/10

if you please, could you crit mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8809122#post8809122

[forgotton fire]

alright, thank you all for the help. i don't mind giving advice, i just don't like to make suggestions for other's songs (i.e. lines, titles). but thanks to all of you

[White Riot!]

how about?

"if we can find an answer
we won't have to bleed
with a cure for our cancers"

rhyming always sounds better on a second like rather than an immediate one

good stuff , its just a little long to read the images

if you want to crit me:

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368860

[forgotton fire]

good suggestion. i may go for some completely new lines though.
i'll crit yours

[forgotton fire]

[QUOTE=andysmit]there are some places where you could trim off a few of the repeats, but it was a great song, now i wanna hear the music if you have any, or if you can record it
9/10


sorry, but no music yet. we hope to have the demo, if not a whole album ready by next winter

[Kyle]

alright guys, this is my first song for you to crit. please do so.

HOW FAR THE FALL
(intro/chorus)
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me believe

Ok, while I dont really dig what is actually being said here, The rhyme works really well and it has a magnificent flow to it

what is all of this
that's left in silence
why are we afraid
to speak our hearts
we can hide it
with self-defiance
but all that will do do
is rip us apart

I like this better, nice language, and its phrased nicely.

and so i'm holding on
with almost nothing to show
how far is the fall
if i decide to let go

again I dont really like the theme but you have a real grasp for rythem in this song

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
wanting to scream
and we're falling apart
ripping at the seams

pretty much the same as before

so face your fears
don't hold back the tears
decide if it's worth it after all

and throughout your years
you can always come here
if you need some one to break your falls

these two verces are nice, nothing really jumps out at me as being extra-special, but it works with the song

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
yo cut through my heart
and make me believe

if we can make it through this
it'll be more than worth it
just wait and see

if we can find an answer
a cure for all our cancers
we won't have to bleed

the first bit is fine, nothing wrong with that. Im not sure on the second bit, I like it in a sense, but for some reason im still unsure

(softer) so here we are
just you and me
we may be falling far
bu we'll land on our feet
(louder) so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and help me see
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed

I get what your trying to do here, and Im sure it will work well in the style of music your aiming to make



Overall this is a nice song, its not neccesarily my thing but it is written well and as i said earlier it has a brilliant sense of rythem. I'll give it a 7/10.

[forgotton fire]

thanks. this isn't my normal style. you'll get to see that within a couple of days. this one kind of reminds me of The Used a bit, when my normal stuff is more like Thousand Foot Krutch or Project 86. if you've heard of them, you know what i'm talking about.

[Kyle]

thanks. this isn't my normal style. you'll get to see that within a couple of days. this one kind of reminds me of The Used a bit, when my normal stuff is more like Thousand Foot Krutch or Project 86. if you've heard of them, you know what i'm talking about.
oh right, I havn'y heard of those bands :rolleyes: so what style are they?

[VUbaru]

Most of my suggestions for wording changes and lines to revise were first said by Mango and later repeated by Kyle.

Things to really look at:

-Second stanza of the first verse: "All that will do is rip us apart" doesn't quite fit with the otherwise excellent flow of your verse. Not really a huge problem there, may want to consider revising if you feel up to it.

-In the second verse, when you change the lines per stanza from 4 to 3 (which I really liked, by the way), the ending to the first stanza is a little clumsy-- "decide if it's worth it after all" won't be very clear when you're singing it, if you're trying to fit in the rhythm from the rest of the song.

-"If you need some one to break your falls" has a few too many syllables. How about "I'll be the one to break your falls?"

-The third verse is by far your weakest and doesn't really introduce anything of value. If I had to cut the song down to make it shorter, it would be the first to go, in my opinion.

-If you're going to keep the third verse, look at "Cure for cancer"-- Really forced rhyme there. Would revise if I were you.

All in all, a well-written song that flows extremely well and will go well with many types of music. The topic is generic and doesn't introduce much of anything new to say, but that doesn't matter a whole lot if you can sing it well and the words flow off your tongue smoothly. Other than those minor revisions, I think this piece is pretty solid. Good job.

[forgotton fire]

thanks for the crits. thousnad foot krutch and project 86 are in between hard rock and i guess the correct term is corperate rock. project is closer to hard rock

[PunkSkater163]

I thought the song was great. I really like the chorus, I really really like it. If you could more to the chorus with out ruining it do that! actually scrath that, I don't think thats possible. I was'nt to crazy for some parts of the verses, they some times souned like simple plan haha, but I'm sure that would change if I heard the music. Good Job, wanna comment mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368992

[islamicbob5342]

They were a lot better than Simple Plan.

[intuendogroup]

Its a well written song and it really gives a clear message (if thats what your aiming at)
I really really like it so good work i guess

[bowl of oranges]

I'm afraid i'm going to have to disagree with the vast majority of people here. I didn't like it much at all, it was fairly simple and boring and dragged on for far too long. I got bored after a couple of stanzas.

[sc0tt0]

alright guys, this is my first song for you to crit. please do so.

HOW FAR THE FALL
(intro/chorus)
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me believe

I love this chorus never change it. Especially the last to lines.

what is all of this
that's left in silence
why are we afraid
to speak our hearts
we can hide it
with self-defiance
but all that will do
is rip us apart

This is an awesome verse, I love it's meaning.

and so i'm holding on
with almost nothing to show
how far is the fall
if i decide to let go

Okay this part is cool and I would have liked to see it as a Prechorus or atleast more than once throughout the song.

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
wanting to scream
and we're falling apart
ripping at the seams

The change is cool, but you might want to keep the chorus the same so people will remember it.

so face your fears
don't hold back the tears
decide if it's worth it after all

and throughout your years
you can always come here
if you need some one to break your falls

These to stanzas must be the best part of the song. There godly. When you right music to this have all of guitars build up to these verses because this is the high point of the song.

so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
yo cut through my heart
and make me believe

if we can make it through this
it'll be more than worth it
just wait and see

if we can find an answer
a cure for all our cancers
we won't have to bleed

I like the cancers part, though it seems a little forced it makes alot of sense.

(softer) so here we are
just you and me
we may be falling far
bu we'll land on our feet
(louder) so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and help me see
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed
so here we are
just you and me
you cut through my heart
and make me bleed

Over all this song gets a 9/10 great metaphors and great job! Hope to see more soon.

[forgotton fire]

thanks to everyone whose critted me so far. i'll keep everything you all said in mind when i get around to revising it. and it's about time some one figured it out sc0tt0.