Underneath Old Skies

[factor46]

New song. Please crit this one for me guys. :D


Underneath Old Skies

Dripping from extra coatings, her eyelashes,
Unable to stretch, pretending to be of the finest.
But who pretends under duress?
It’s a shame she had to stoop that far down,
Given to her from the sky, a stair set spiraling,
Take your time, the clouds will wait forever.
Composure.
Did she miss her night?
She even begged to let it come.
Dripping once again, tears leak out like a fountain.
It’s time to refurbish the crack in this fountainhead.
She never expected such pressure,
And now I’m waiting at her doorstep, bouquet in hand,
This is her night, it was never missed.
Leaving her dwellings, face shining with a brightness like the sun,
Hair flowing down her back, against a satin dress of red.
I never expected such beauty.
And we leave, and we’re together,
Never a step behind each other, a love so synchronized, so intact,
Underneath old skies.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

This is pretty good. There isnt really a rhyme schyme. And the flow is worse of than it should be. Other than that it was quite good. Here you go http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

this is a poem not a song
as a poem this is pretty good
as a song this is a monstrosity, mostly because its not organized
but hey
to each his own...

Carpe Diem...

[factor46]

A monstrosity? Wow. Hey, maybe you need to look closer, because it is organized. Just not in the standard Verse-Chorus-Verse structure. Thanks for the crit though.

And to Brewed: You're right, there is no rhyme scheme....because I don't rhyme my lines. And for you to be able to interpret the real flow to the song, I guess you'd just have to listen to it. Because obviously you didn't read it the way it's sung. :thumb: Thanks for the critique.


Anymore?

[Sloth]

this is a poem not a song
as a poem this is pretty good
as a song this is a monstrosity, mostly because its not organized Do you think before you talk?

Songs don't have to be cookiecut. (verse, chorus, bridge, repeat chorus, verse, outro, whatever). Don't ever try telling someone their song or poem isn't a song or poem..

Factor-- In general, it's not as strongly written as some of your other stuff but it's still a nice piece... I like the transition throughout the song

[factor46]

Once again, Sloth, thanks for your comments. I definately appreciate them. :D You've become my musicianforums best friend. lol. Do you have anything new you'd like me to comment on?

[Sloth]

mmm? you already commented on my newest piece. But there's a freewrite that I posted about a week ago that not many people commented on... so if you wanna dig that up, feel free :thumb: