The Battle We Fight Everyday

[LTJ386]

This is the third piece I've ever written and I've already got a good jump on the music for it. I still need to add another verse or bridge, but there's enough here to be critiqued. The commas indicate held notes or pauses in the singing.

Looking, out my window
Looking, out with care
Looking, out with jealousy
Looking, in dispair

I, always thought, the world's unfair
But, I knew someday I'd get my share
It, might not be much but it's all I've got
What, I have gained, is somethin' that can't be bought

I'll take what I've got, and run with it
For this much I have fought
I'll never quit
I may not win the battle but I'll still be around
Nothing you can do will silence my sound

[AnAlienOfNothing]

I could tell this piece had good intentions, but could use better execution. Especially the opening stanza, it seemed cliched. Still good. A better execution, and word choice, and your set. 5/10, a few improvments - but still very nice. Keep writing!
:thumb:

[StrangelyBrewed13]

It sounds really corny to me. The first stanza definitely needs to be changed to something less typical. The rest is actually acceptable but I almost stopped reading. 6/10 Heres mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[LTJ386]

bump

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

i second that the first stanza is pretty bad
its neve rcool to have every line in the stanza start out the same way...
maybe the first line in every stanza
but not every line
everything else is pretty much in order
i mean its nothing fantastic
but you are learning the craft my friend, kudos...

[LTJ386]

but you are learning the craft my friend

I am a songwriter, but not in the lyric sense. I mostly write music, but if I could write both music and lyrics, that'd be a double threat.

[ozzfest05]

seems like ur song is more poetic but with assortment its too much of the same, change it up a bit, theres probly a good meaning behind it tho..
Check out my Stand Up And Fight or A Fallen Soldier

[Norma Jean Fan]

I think that it needs a little more length, definitely more length, its too short, but if you gave it some work it could turn out to be a pretty decent song! Work a little and try again. 6/10

[LTJ386]

I think that it needs a little more length, definitely more length, its too short

I don't think it's too short. There're two verses and a chorus. If add a guitar solo it'll be a complete song. Plus there's a long musical intro.

[Norma Jean Fan]

How about a bridge? If you added a bridge, i think it would make it better, but you dont have to, its just a suggestion, thats all. :thumb: