Revised "Canyon City Blues" crit 4 crit

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

made some major improvements based on the crits i've been getting
and my own dislikes with it

here is an updated version

Canyon City Blues

Verse 1
Woke up this morning
there was i calm i can’t explain
Not a star along the horizon
a sight i can't contain

verse 2
Next stop Canyon City
The place where i was born
7 years upon this day
still haven’t found what im looking for

Hook
you can walk away from a sunday afternoon
and rise to the fall of a melancholy moon
2 tears a pick, an empty bottle of her perfume
Strumming along with these canyon city blues
Canyon city blues

verse 3
7 years have passed now
since my wandering affair
a child should live with his mother
and a father should live in despair


verse 4
I look into the distance
and choose a star for my daughter
guiding all my fallen kisses
like a rose flowing to water


(hook)

verse 5
Driving down an empty throughway
with my johnny walker black
watching memories in my rearview mirror
strapped with a tombstone on my back

verse 6
turned my back to this city
ran a thousand miles away
but each and every moment
i find myself back in this place

Bridge
Don't wanna waste no time...
don't wanna shed no tears
all these mountains i climb
and this is the collison of all my fears
tell me is it a crime?
for a man to be so unclear
burnt by the face of time
in this collision of the year


verse 7
so i here i am at the crossroads
and there i see my wife
new husband and new daughter
no tears, no fears, in her way of life

verse 8
upon this cloudy morning
the sun brings golden skies
a weapy eyed boy in a cell of confusion
haunted by tainted memories of his life

Canyon city...
oh oh canyon city blues


basically im keeping the bridge for certain i already wrote a harmony for it that intertwines with the chorus
so i can make one of those endings (i dunno what they're called)

but im a little happier with the content
this song is extremely hard to write because of the lack of personal involvement in my life
but im trying to expand as a song writer

any critiques would help alot,
and as always just leave a link or the song name and i'll crit yours

[StrangelyBrewed13]

I really dig your song. It has a lot of feeling in it. The ryhmes dont seem forced. Long song. I have to say though the line about the crossroads made me think of Robert Johnson which is a plus on your point. The imagery is suburb and I dont have any thing that you can change so...10/10. Heres my new one http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799 Excuse the god awful grammar.

[PunkSkater163]

I think you did a great job on the song. The lyrics are very well written. The only complaints I have is how long it is, with such short lines. But the lines sound great and they go with the flow so that is hardly a bad thing. Its just a veryy veryy long song. I like how the point is very speciefic and tells out a story. Keep up the good work. im sorry thats all I can say because I dont exactly like that kind of music, so the song wasnt to great to me, but i try to be open minded.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368053
please edit mine.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

Thank you very much i appreciate so much
the length is a problem, i know but because its telling a story like narrative
you have to excuse that,
i'll see what i can do about editing

i'll reply to yours right now
and again thanks

[andysmit]

i like the canyon city blues, great song, nothing to say, except record, i wanna hear the music for it
9/10
(10 is a perfect, nothing is perfect)

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

i like the canyon city blues, great song, nothing to say, except record, i wanna hear the music for it
9/10
(10 is a perfect, nothing is perfect)
yes sir,
a fresh recording is on the way!
thanks btw

[EmoMagnum]

I really like it. At first read I didnt think it made any sense, because you were talking about different things in every verse. Once I read your explanation of how its supposed to be a story, it made sense and It all clicked very well. Even though its long, its engrossing and it pulls you into the song. Very good flow, good lyrics great song.

9/10

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

I really like it. At first read I didnt think it made any sense, because you were talking about different things in every verse. Once I read your explanation of how its supposed to be a story, it made sense and It all clicked very well. Even though its long, its engrossing and it pulls you into the song. Very good flow, good lyrics great song.

9/10


thank you very much,

i highly appreciate it

[islamicbob5342]

I really like it to start with, especially with such a good 1st verse, but it drags on and on- 8 verses in a song are too much, sorry. People will likely lose interest. If I were you I'd try to squeeze it into 4. This line is also strange:
"a child should live with his mother
and a father should live in despair"
You talk about your daughter so that leads me to think you are the father it talks about. But "should live in despair" leads me to think that you agree that the father (you?) deserves to be in despair. The song doesn't really seem like a song about despair- at least not for the most part- I like it more when it's about peacefulness and serenity a lot moreas that is a nice diversion from the usual depressed/angry/lustful lyrics that are so common. This is also my problem with the bridge- the song becomes about confronting a troubled past- that's good and all, but it strays from the peacefulness in the beginning.

Okay, what I just said was really cluttered so let me summarize-
1. Make it shorter- 4 verses is good.
2. If you are going to write a song about coming to peace with your past the song should probably start with a confused and stressed out character and end with a calm character who is at peace with the situation, not the other way around.

Follow these two pieces of advice and you will have a really great song on your hands because I really like a lot of what you have.

Now you get to do mine! :thumb:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367383

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

I really like it to start with, especially with such a good 1st verse, but it drags on and on- 8 verses in a song are too much, sorry. People will likely lose interest. If I were you I'd try to squeeze it into 4. This line is also strange:
"a child should live with his mother
and a father should live in despair"
You talk about your daughter so that leads me to think you are the father it talks about. But "should live in despair" leads me to think that you agree that the father (you?) deserves to be in despair. The song doesn't really seem like a song about despair- at least not for the most part- I like it more when it's about peacefulness and serenity a lot moreas that is a nice diversion from the usual depressed/angry/lustful lyrics that are so common. This is also my problem with the bridge- the song becomes about confronting a troubled past- that's good and all, but it strays from the peacefulness in the beginning.

Okay, what I just said was really cluttered so let me summarize-
1. Make it shorter- 4 verses is good.
2. If you are going to write a song about coming to peace with your past the song should probably start with a confused and stressed out character and end with a calm character who is at peace with the situation, not the other way around.

Follow these two pieces of advice and you will have a really great song on your hands because I really like a lot of what you have.

Now you get to do mine! :thumb:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367383

Thanks man i really needed a good critique like that!
you've helped alot!
i'll get to yours real soon