S**t Town

[PunkSkater163]

S**t Town:
V1:Allright!...Here we go!..1 2 3 4!
shut the hell up i dont care anny more
shut the f**k up cus ive heard it all before
We know whats best for you
We only do this beccause we care
Listen to us and hop in line amongst the souls of the ones who once cared
...
walking down the block
ive seen it all before
same people same places same s**t town faces


C:walking down this s**t town road is getting really f***en old
and its getting harder to control my feelings of anger and depresion
My emotions are taking a turn and this world is soon to learn my feelings of aggrevation
f**k yeah!

V2:People try to take control
and put you in thier f**ked up world
(I will finish this verse soon)

C(X2)

(last line of chorus)
----------------------------
So, what did you guys think? I'd love any constructive criticisum. :thumb:

[PunkSkater163]

Any body? Any suggestions at all?

PLEASE READ:

Please people, if you do comment. Keep in mind, I am writing a punk song from a point of view of a punk hateing his town. I personally hate the people that look at a peice that I think is crap like:

--I am an ant....I am to small for shoes....Please dont step on me...I might dye.--

and then the people would be like..."oo i see how you were talking about how you feel so small in this wolrd, and how crule people can be to midgets."

no...just no. SO if you are a person like this please keep in mind my point of view. thank you.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Excuse the pun but this is ****ed Up.


Its actually kind of clever for a punk song but not that great. Im not about censorship or anything but you can write an angry song without usin curse words. I only care because i feel that cursing is one of the most basic forms of expression of feeling. Not to say I dont say I dont curse its just that when writing using a curse word just means that you didnt have anything else to say. But maybe in a punk song thats whaat you use to express fellings of angst. Heres mine if you wouldnt mind critiquing http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[PunkSkater163]

Thank you, im happy some one finally said something. I curse a lot.. a lot. Like my idle is Tom Delonge from blink-182. Their my all time favroite band along with greenday. I think your right, in punk music its just away of expressing angst. I tried to keep this song from being labelled as just another dumb anger song thoue, i like people see it has anger in it, i just dont want people to base themselves around anger. Thank for the comment. :thumb:

[Bub]

Erm, sorry I don't anything in there thats in any way clever...
Its another teen angst song...and I'm a teenager....
Your rhymes are really predictable, especially in the opening - they're also very stereotypical.
The cuss words just embarrass you, I'm sorry to say. Makes you seem 4 years old.

I advise you to try and write with some metaphor, some similie, some IMAGERY. Maybe even something we haven't seen before. "the world sucks" is probably the most common theme (other than "why did she leave me") in songs, and to make them stand out you have to know what you're talking about and show us you know. Or you're another fella who can rhyme "anymore" with "before", sound angry and say "whaddya think?"

Good luck

[PunkSkater163]

errr, im sorta lyeing when i say thanks for the comment. haha im kidding, i respect every ones thoughts. Like I said before I tryed not to make this an angry song. And I love life and I love the world. I'm not into any of that stuff. i just really hate my town. it really sucks, and every one is trying to tell me what to do. I know its a little predictable, but I just wanted to make it a typical punk song. a lot of the stuff ive been writing lately has been a little depressing and slow, so i wanted to turn that into a little more of anger and fun. Again, I come from cursing, I use them in every sentence. if you were to hear me talk thoue it sounds completely normal. Ill post another song I made that I think you might like more. but dont get me wrong. Im not an angry person at all. Im actually preatty friendly. I cant write about anger. :)

(im not saying your wrong, i was just wondering how they were steriotypical???)

[Bub]

Stereotypical with the whole "fck you" aspect. The sort of "I don't care what you think" attitude. Its just boring after a while

I can totally relate to your problem though - how you say you didn't want to write slow and depressing songs. Yeah, they're so much easier to do, they come naturally, hence all the new bands doing them (in what is called "emo")
I tried to write a metal song and it turned out pretty cheesy despite my efforts to make it not seem heard before.
I've got over that now - I can write heavier songs about love, no problem now.

Whatcha gotta do is bear your idols in mind -Greenday.
They've got some good lyrics! Happy! Don't often cuss (yeah sorry I have a thing about that, its downright lazy) and they pull off some excellent songs with them.
Check out some lyrics from, say, Warning or Minority. They say basically "spaced out" and "not a trend follower" in really interesting ways.

Don't just say "this town sucks", try and be clever and say something like "the horizons are brighter in our town" (because they look away from the town, they seem brighter in comparison TO it) or "where the short sighted are worse off" (cos they CAN ONLY see the town)

You need to play on words, use some of this imagery.

Good luck fella

Edit: I forgot to play on how Greenday write happy lyrics. They're still punk, right? You said you're a happy person? Get on some happy lyrics then :) you can please me too by not being tempted to cuss :p
Try an interesting take on a night out, a gig, a trip to the cinemas with your girlfriend...y'know, pretty much anything is write-about-able. Key aspect of lyrics - INTEREST. If it sounds different, its generally gonna be accepted.
Not to whore out my own lyrics or anything, but in my song No Phantom (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7786189#post7786189) , its quite the metal song (a la Iron Maiden Somewhere In Time era maybe) and its about a moment in a story I had to write for English homework last year in year 9. I've used a character to symbolise that moment, so I could refer to him and his attributes rather than saying "at that moment" and "back then".

Try and do something different :)

Again, good luck

[PunkSkater163]

Thanks, I'll look into that. haha I like to think I'm happier then greenday thoue. I even just read an interview where Billy Joe looks back to like before dookie or dureing it and hes like "wow...i was soooo angry." Any ways I think I have a song I wrote you might like. It's a little too mushy for me, but not to mushy were you can like be wow this is gay. I built it of a Boxcar Racer song. Is thier any way i can send it to you? Because I dont feel like posting up 2 songs in the same day.

Edit: again thanks man, trust me i write about my interests. I have songs about wanting to ask out girls, playing shows, Time going to fast, and everything. I cant stop cursing lol. But I will try to cut back so I dont seem so angry. I'll also try to keep greenday in mind. But they only recently started writing happy songs like after dookie. They used to be the most angry band I know. (And the metal song is really good, I just hate metal. But you'r really good.)

[Bub]

da_bobby@hotmail.com

in the future, remember to click a user's name (above their avatar) and then look in Contact Details :thumb:
Lookin' forward to it

[islamicbob5342]

Yeah I'm pretty sure I've heard this song at least a hundred times before. Try thinking of a more interesting theme and definitely don't drop so many F-bombs. Trust me I wrote a song full of F-bombs and then I realized that what the other guy said is true- F-bombs are only filler for when you've got nothing to say. Instead of f---ing this and f---ing that try to think of a good adjective to put there instead. Angry songs aren't necesarily bad but they have a tendancy to sound generic- lie "OOOOH i'm so f---ing mad I'm gonna make you all pay for mistreating me". I don't want to listen to that and I doubt you do. I do like some lines: "amongst the souls of the ones who once cared" and "walking down the block, same people, same places, same **** town faces". Try expanding on those lines for this song, and for the next song try something different.
And check out my song please-
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367383

[PunkSkater163]

hey thanks. Yeah a lot of people are telling me to stop cursing so much. But if you ever listen to blink or anything, its not that they cant come up with good lyrics, its just in the vocabulary. Like i cures just normally. But i agree when I read it is ridiculous ith the cursing. but when i sing it, from me it sounds normal from people. but thank you for your comment ill comment you.

[Crimsonpunk]

Yo.
I like this line:
Listen to us and hop in line amongst the souls of the ones who once cared.
The rest is a bit overdone, i can see it working with music, in which case the intro would be cool. I am a huge fan of expletives, and they can be powerful, if you don't drown the song in them, and i'm also a fan of greenday (Before american idiot anywayz) and i can see the influence in the song, but not hugely.
Keep writing, keep playing , and keep punk alive!
And if you want you can rate my song 'ever get the feeling youv'e been had'

[Violent_Bill]

I can't believe how many positive crits this is getting. I see no evidence of any kind of songwriting talent "But teh punk lyrics and the music lol" is no excuse for this crap. It's ridiculously blunt and not in a new, clever, or original way. Seriously, try going over all your lines and try to find ways to say them better, you say you don't like metaphors, fine, but at least be somewhat descriptive and intriguing with your writing.

[Electric Riley]

I like punk. And by that I mean I like the Ramones.

So, Hey Ho, let's go and write some good music.

Punk.

[sc0tt0]

Hey, first off its best to finish the song before you show anyone.
Secondly try to tighten up each line so if line 3 in verse one has8 sylables
try to make line 3 in verse 2 the same. Also the cursing but you know
that. You also kinda of changed your POV (point of view) in the begining of the second
verse. In the first vrse your talkiong as the one who is making your life or town miserable because you say "WE only do this....WE know whats best for you." right in verse two you say people try to take control which is kind of odd because that was what verse one was describing. O ther than that just look up to Blink and see how their lyrics are written to get a better idea of how good punk is written. (And don't really listen to all of the crits to much...they'll get ya down really quickly because there supposed to be bad)

[Crimsonpunk]

I like punk. And by that I mean I like the Ramones.

So, Hey Ho, let's go and write some good music.

I found this Fecking hillarious, kudos to you.

[PunkSkater163]

Hey, first off its best to finish the song before you show anyone.
Secondly try to tighten up each line so if line 3 in verse one has8 sylables
try to make line 3 in verse 2 the same. Also the cursing but you know
that. You also kinda of changed your POV (point of view) in the begining of the second
verse. In the first vrse your talkiong as the one who is making your life or town miserable because you say "WE only do this....WE know whats best for you." right in verse two you say people try to take control which is kind of odd because that was what verse one was describing. O ther than that just look up to Blink and see how their lyrics are written to get a better idea of how good punk is written. (And don't really listen to all of the crits to much...they'll get ya down really quickly because there supposed to be bad)
haha thanks man, im happy to find some one that can crit me without being mean. But when I said, "we know whats best for you, we only do this because we care, now listen to us and hop in line amongst the souls of the ones who once cared" i was talking as the people that are not me. I know That probuablly wasnt obious enough thoue. Thanks about the sylable thing, I had that in mind and I was planning on fixing that. Thanks for the comment.

[PunkSkater163]

I can't believe how many positive crits this is getting. I see no evidence of any kind of songwriting talent "But teh punk lyrics and the <a href='http://consumeralertsystem.com/cas/zx-hclick.php?hid=268' target='_blank'>music</a> lol" is no excuse for this crap. It's ridiculously blunt and not in a new, clever, or original way. Seriously, try going over all your lines and try to find ways to say them better, you say you don't like metaphors, fine, but at least be somewhat descriptive and intriguing with your writing.

i like metaphors alot. I never said that. I hate when people use about 10 really dumb ones in one sentence. I also like blunt, I hate it when people are talking about like one thing and trying to get a point out there, and thier talking about everything else around it to try and imply it.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

This is coming from someone who thinks Blink 182 writes good lyrics...

[PunkSkater163]

This is coming from someone who thinks Blink 182 writes good lyrics...
huh? whats coming from him? the song?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I'm the forums self declared cynical critiquer, and I thought your song was a belly up disaster. Spell check next time.

[PunkSkater163]

lol, but thiers almost no spelling errors. I think I spelt one word wrong in the song, haha. And your comment does not help at all, saying my song sucks does not give me any pointers, try to help me next time.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Next time you write a song, leave out all the dumb text things. CORRECTED SPELLING ERRORS IN BOLD FOR YOU SIR.

Alright!...Here we go!..1 2 3 4!
shut the hell up i dont care any more
shut the f**k up cause I've heard it all before
We know what's best for you
We only do this because we care
Listen to us and hop in line amongst the souls of the ones who once cared

--You don't even have strong opinions on anything, you just write cuss words to make us think you do. I realize you probably aren't the most intelligent boy to grace this earth, but I know you have a bigger intellect than to just cause and tell people you hate them, or is that what you think punk music is all about? Most people who write for the "punk" scene don't put one ounce of effort into their songs. Example (quoted from every God awful punk band I've ever listened to): "IT'S POWER CHORDS AND ROOT NOTE BASS/LEAD LINES FOR ME! LOLZ!" Try and be different, or is that not what punk is about anymore?

walking down the block
I've seen it all before
same people same places same s**t town faces

--I'm glad you don't like anyone in your town, I wonder how they feel about you? Personally, I find most "punks" to be douchebags who have no idea what they are talking about...

C:walking down this s**t town road is getting really f***en old
and its getting harder to control my feelings of anger and depression
My emotions are taking a turn and this world is soon to learn my feelings of aggravation
f**k yeah!

--I'm so glad your town makes you feel exasperated, mine does too, but I don't bitch and moan about it in song. Rather than complain for two and a half minutes, why don't you try and convince people to change things?

V2:People try to take control
and put you in their f**ked up world
(I will finish this verse soon)

--I think you've already been put in one, and it's a lot more ****ed up than my world is.

C(X2)

(last line of chorus)

--Finish your songs. Just say something about hating "the man" and a couple of YEAHS, and you're there. If these lyrics are too complex for you to finish, then perhaps songwriting isn't up your alley.

God awful. Also, I think you had a few more spelling mistakes than you previously thought.

[PunkSkater163]

hell at least you tried to give me some pointers. The spelling errors thanks for correcting, most of them were puncuation but still. And you said write about hating the man, I would never sing about politics. I just would'nt feel comfortable. And I can't try to change things in my town, thats not going to happen. I just hate all the ghetto *** holes in my town, And every one else also is a total *** hole. You can't really talk because you don't know my town. And I don't know what you got against punks, but you should'nt steriotype so much. I allways try to be respectful on this site, thiers no reason to be so harsh. And you tell me not to complain about in a song!? That's what I write for, to get my feelings out! I write to espress how and what I am feeling. That what writing is for. I just take my life and put it into songs. And hating my town is a big part of my life because I sorta live here. Any ways thanks for trying to help.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Well, I have no problems with you not liking your town, but give some examples rather than just making a lump idea.

[PunkSkater163]

Allright that's a good idea. It is preatty much just the plain idea of how I hate my town. I'll try to come up with certain reasons I hate my town and things that happen in my town that I hate, and work it into the song.

[Bub]

Know what I like? Songs with a twist at the end, or an unexpected ending.
You could talk about leaving the town, calmly point out how the town was taken over by aliens four days ago in the last line, a better idea than I just gave, or say something like "And as I sit here in the tower, looking down the barrel, the remorse I feel is smaller than the lives of the people, that are about to lose it all"

(You're smacking them down snipah style)

[PunkSkater163]

hahaha, thats a good idea. I thought about finishing it with me leaving or something. but sadly I can't because I'm to young to leave and ia dont want to make it up. But I've decided that this is just the first rough draft, and the final copy will be done in a preatty long time and a lot better hopefully.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

i'll giev this a formal crit in a minute

[andysmit]

an occasional fbomb is alright, but like some ppl have said, you were aiming at dropping fbombs, and i could tell it was a blink type song, i was singing it to one of there songs
5/10
find different words, cussing makes you look stupid

[PunkSkater163]

well actually I wasnt focusing on f bombs at all. But thank you for not being harsh. And you half right. I based it on a mix of Blink182's first song Carousel, multiple of old school greenday songs, and a song a local band near me has.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

These Are some pretty raw crits. Nice job taking it like a man.

[PunkSkater163]

haha thanks dude, i appreciate that. I think next song I post might get a little better review, because almost none of my songs have angst, this is the only one with a little angst, so i dunno. thanks.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

shut the hell up i dont care anny more
shut the f**k up cus ive heard it all before
We know whats best for you
We only do this beccause we care
Listen to us and hop in line amongst the souls of the ones who once cared

...who is this about?
your parents
i know this is a punk song, but their is certainly no need for profanity
i think it will sound better without it...
but thats me
the verse is a little sloppy
the third sentence clashes with everything else
...
walking down the block
ive seen it all before
same people same places same s**t town faces

who is this song aim towards?


C:walking down this s**t town road is getting really f***en old
and its getting harder to control my feelings of anger and depresion
My emotions are taking a turn and this world is soon to learn my feelings of aggrevation
f**k yeah!

V2:People try to take control
and put you in thier f**ked up world
(I will finish this verse soon)

honestly you better have a catchy *** sound if you wan't this to stick
i like alot of punk music
but this is just real bad, no disrespect

but this can be a whole lot better...
their are much better ways to make a dark angry song

but i think you might have an attachment with the title "Sh*t Town"
fine
keep that, but i suggest change the rest if you want to be serious about it