Ice Preserves

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Crit for crit.

Ben Stivers
7/20/05

Ice Preserves

Who would've ever imagined us, trapped?
The bait was so deceiving this time,
No one uses the comfort and security of a place to call home.
We went inside, and the floor brandished it's unrest.
Sent the perched peak chain reacting towards our nest.
The cold is a catalyst for deception.

Progress is development, and development is exploration.
But circulation of discovery is a chore when you're breaking the ice,
And numbness is only half of what a frozen frame will do for you.
You'll congeal from the inside,
This life promotes dissolution.

The last threads break,
And this quilted cage can no longer support the weight.
It's been black in this cottage for days,
And now we're finally part of our mistakes.

Home is where your heart is.

[Bub]

I'm gonna crit this as I read it -

Who would've ever imagined us, trapped? Already liking the well placed comma
The bait was so deceiving this time, is "so" really necessary? I think it sounds better without, but it DOES alter the meaning a little bit
No one uses the comfort and security of a place to call home.
We went inside, and the floor brandished it's unrest. Ooh nice imagery
Sent the perched peak chain reacting towards our nest.preeetty preeetty imagery
The cold is a catalyst for deception. great, love the meaning, if I've interpreted it correctly

Nice stanza, can't tell what it is you've written though (poem?)

Progress is development, and development is exploration.
But circulation of discovery is a chore when you're breaking the ice,
And numbness is only half of what a frozen frame will do for you.
You'll congeal from the inside,
This life promotes dissolution.

Haha I aint gonna pretend I understood this, after the 4th read I gave up. I still can't see what the structure is...I guess freeverse...
Otherwise this stanza is just good imagery and wording.

The last threads break,
And this quilted cage can no longer support the weight.
It's been black in this cottage for days,
And now we're finally part of our mistakes.

Home is where your heart is.

Ahhh thats goood :D Seems a lot more like a song/poem to me now, and I can truly appreciate what you've done in this stanza. Each line is perfect. Consider this stanza perfect.

Overall - as I've repeatedly said - I really like your imagery and wordings.

But I can't understand your structure...I guess I'm not too qualified to crit this with what it deserves then, but I've tried my best.
I'm gonna have to check out a few more of your lyrics :)

Oh, mine if you want to crit is The Rarity (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8563909#post8563909)
Cheers!

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Another great poem. I like the imagery. The medaphors used are without flaw. THe structre is odd. It is constantly changing but still has a constant flow. So I guess that goes toward you favour. You manage to be wordy without bein pretentious witch is awsome. If you crit this thad be cool. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[AnAlienOfNothing]

This was amazing, my friend! Very vivid imagery, well-constructed, it flowed beautifully, and amazing word choices. I love your metaphors, as well! A truley great piece my friend! I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff! 8/10! :thumb:

[StrangelyBrewed13]

If it was an 8/10 that means theres something wrong with it.

[islamicbob5342]

Not on this site it doesn't. Apparently anything great deserves a 6 while anything truly amazing deserves an 8. :confused: Last time I checked a B- didn't stand for amazing.

[Bub]

Dude it depends who gives it...its not as if everyone here is a qualified grader, like teacher sin schools.
How many times have you gone to crit a piece of work, thought it to be absolute CRAP, and then see loads of "10/10s" because it cusses?

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Ive never seen people give 10/10 only because they cuss. If anything they usually get marked down.

[morrissey]

I'm divided. Part of feels like you've lost your magic touch - I don't really feel any emotion when I read your pieces any more. There is nothing wrong with your piece, I just personally lack a connection to it. Which doesn't matter.

Last line sucks Benny boy.

6/10 crit me plz omg