A Flowering Succubus

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Okay, people have liked the last couple of songs Ive posted so Im gonna take a big chance here...
This song is pretty long. It is in fact a(counts)6 part punk song kinda like Jesus of Suburbia or Homecoming. Stylistically its very different from those, but I just wanted you to know why its SO...****...LOOOONG!

Well here it is...

A FLOWERING SUCCUBUS
I.Rotten Candy

Broken candy machine
Just turned sweet sixteen
She gives him what he wants
When all she wants is to be wanted more

She dont know where to draw the line
But he thinks that is just fine
Self destruct on overdrive
9 months left to live her life

She walked up to him
Asked what he was doing after school
He said nothin 'cept for you
He aint nothing but her tool

She dont know where to draw the line
But he thinks that is just fine
Self destruct on overdrive
9 months left to live her life

(Geetar solo here)

She dont know where to draw the line
But all the guys think thats just fine
Bugs eating the family jewels :)
Nothing but rusted tools.

II. Cherry Wine Vinegar

Lets all get together and dress up
Lets all get together and wear toy make up
Lets all get in line, the candy machines broken
Lets all get in line to see what everyones smokin'

Drown yourself in the oil
While your slaves toil
Homebase has been spoiled
Welcome to Sixth Grade America
Endless experimentation
Lick up your perspiration
Smoke yourself to emaciation
Welcome to Sixth Grade America

Freelove aint free no more
Water the orchids they're feeling sore
Turn the wine into water
But calamine lotion wont make you smarter
Mrs.Beauty Queen is really obnoxious
The smells on her are kind of toxic
Theyll all die in the winter
And the buzzards will eat their innards

Drown yourself in the oil
While your slaves toil
Home base has been spoiled
Welcome to Sixth Grade America

III. A Flowering Succubus

To the back room she took me by surprise
Entranced me with those bright green eyes
Taking control, she took a toll, then took hold of hand and said...(she doesnt say anything yet)

To the end of the night she shook me unrequited
Swallowed me with those big doe eyes
Taking hold of me in her vitriolic viscera, she smiled and said...

No longer a wallflower
Out of the woodwork she sprang
Like a venus flytrap meant just for me
Meant to hold me in the flame she said:

"You are my Pariah! You are my silent one!
You will,
be still as I,
Kill the desire
to run from the fire!"

IV. Your Friendly Neighborhood Stalker

Help me help you
Let me touch you
Hide but dont run
It'll make it more fun
You think I'm a loser
But I'm just an abuser
Same old same old
Your just as cold

Your pretty
Your pretty
Your pretty
ANNOYING!

Help me help you
Help me kill you
Hide but dont run
It'll make it more fun
I might not know you
But Ive got the manual
All is well that
Never begins

Your pretty
Your pretty
Your pretty
ANNOYING!

Stalk, stalk,
alls I wanna do
Is stalk you

Your pretty
Your pretty
Your pretty
ANNOYING!

V. Cupid, Buzzards, and Hookers

I know now what I have become in your eyes and then I wonder how
How could I be so dumb when oppurtunity lurked waiting for me
I guess it must all be a game to you game over push restart again
Disposable I am thrown away so the buzzards can eat my broken heart again

You know now what I have become in my mind now that you see the damage
Its always been, other minds that make choices and decisions for you
Dont you hear the inner child that says there just might be something more there
Why cant we tear down these walls of postmortem premature and live without a care

You dont know
I dont either
Love bites
Why bother
Out of style
Out of time
Out of sight
Out of mind

VI. Itchy

I'm not addicted Im just hooked
Im not a stoner its just the way I look
I wont OD thats just a myth
Im not a junkie I just itch

I just hate it
Your overrated
Im so jaded
You are serated
But I'll keep you anyway

Oh no what if Im addicted
Oh no what if Im a stoner
Oh no what if I OD
Oh no what if I scratch till I bleed

I just hate it
Your overrated
Im so jaded
You are serated
But I'll keep you anyway
You hypodermic hypocrite

Oh well Im addicted
Oh well Im a stoner
Oh well I am bleeding
OOPS! I JUST OD'D!!! :)


Well thats it. My fingers hurt. You can look at this like 6 seperate songs or one bigass one with a lovely plot. Either way...

[Electric Riley]

A FLOWERING SUCCUBUS
I.Rotten Candy

Broken candy machine
Just turned sweet sixteen
She gives him what he wants
When all she wants is to be wanted more

She dont know where to draw the line
But he thinks that is just fine
Self destruct on overdrive
9 months left to live her life

She walked up to him
Asked what he was doing after school
He said nothin 'cept for you
He aint nothing but her tool

She dont know where to draw the line
But he thinks that is just fine
Self destruct on overdrive
9 months left to live her life

(Geetar solo here)

She dont know where to draw the line
But all the guys think thats just fine
Bugs eating the family jewels :)
Nothing but rusted tools.

Hmm... An interesting start. Pretty good. Very punky feel, particularly the chorus. Last 2 lines are really bad and don't fit. 2nd verse is good. 7/10 for this one.

II. Cherry Wine Vinegar

Lets all get together and dress up
Lets all get together and wear toy make up
Lets all get in line, the candy machines broken
Lets all get in line to see what everyones smokin'

Drown yourself in the oil
While your slaves toil
Homebase has been spoiled
Welcome to Sixth Grade America
Endless experimentation
Lick up your perspiration
Smoke yourself to emaciation
Welcome to Sixth Grade America

Freelove aint free no more
Water the orchids they're feeling sore
Turn the wine into water
But calamine lotion wont make you smarter
Mrs.Beauty Queen is really obnoxious
The smells on her are kind of toxic
Theyll all die in the winter
And the buzzards will eat their innards

Drown yourself in the oil
While your slaves toil
Home base has been spoiled
Welcome to Sixth Grade America

Well, this is a bit different. I don't think I like it as much as the first verse. It's much more complex, but at the same time more detatched. Some lines really don't fit, and the chorus is pretty average. I like the rhyming scheme. 6.5/10 for this one.

III. A Flowering Succubus

To the back room she took me by surprise
Entranced me with those bright green eyes
Taking control, she took a toll, then took hold of hand and said...(she doesnt say anything yet)

To the end of the night she shook me unrequited
Swallowed me with those big doe eyes
Taking hold of me in her vitriolic viscera, she smiled and said...

No longer a wallflower
Out of the woodwork she sprang
Like a venus flytrap meant just for me
Meant to hold me in the flame she said:

"You are my Pariah! You are my silent one!
You will,
be still as I,
Kill the desire
to run from the fire!"

Woo hoo! I love it. Truly, this is so different, and so good. There is nothing wrong with this. GO! GO! GO! GO!

10/10

IV. Your Friendly Neighborhood Stalker

Help me help you
Let me touch you
Hide but dont run
It'll make it more fun
You think I'm a loser
But I'm just an abuser
Same old same old
Your just as cold

Your pretty
Your pretty
Your pretty
ANNOYING!

Help me help you
Help me kill you
Hide but dont run
It'll make it more fun
I might not know you
But Ive got the manual
All is well that
Never begins

Your pretty
Your pretty
Your pretty
ANNOYING!

Stalk, stalk,
alls I wanna do
Is stalk you

Your pretty
Your pretty
Your pretty
ANNOYING!

Not so good. Its good in a really simple, punky way. Maybe it sounds better with music, but really this is simple and odd.

6/10

V. Cupid, Buzzards, and Hookers

I know now what I have become in your eyes and then I wonder how
How could I be so dumb when oppurtunity lurked waiting for me
I guess it must all be a game to you game over push restart again
Disposable I am thrown away so the buzzards can eat my broken heart again

You know now what I have become in my mind now that you see the damage
Its always been, other minds that make choices and decisions for you
Dont you hear the inner child that says there just might be something more there
Why cant we tear down these walls of postmortem premature and live without a care

You dont know
I dont either
Love bites
Why bother
Out of style
Out of time
Out of sight
Out of mind

YAY! Back to your old tricks. Not as good as number 3, but still really good. Last verse thingy/outro is catchy and cool. The rest is wordy, but the message is clear and it still flows pretty well. 9/10

VI. Itchy

I'm not addicted Im just hooked
Im not a stoner its just the way I look
I wont OD thats just a myth
Im not a junkie I just itch

I just hate it
Your overrated
Im so jaded
You are serated
But I'll keep you anyway

Oh no what if Im addicted
Oh no what if Im a stoner
Oh no what if I OD
Oh no what if I scratch till I bleed

I just hate it
Your overrated
Im so jaded
You are serated
But I'll keep you anyway
You hypodermic hypocrite

Oh well Im addicted
Oh well Im a stoner
Oh well I am bleeding
OOPS! I JUST OD'D!!! :)

Hey, this is alright. Simple and fun. Last line sounds silly, but maybe that's a good thing. 8/10


So there you go. Should be good in all one recording. Well done.

Now I want a detailed crit cause that took ages.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8780263#post8780263

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Okay then. Thank you for taking the time for that, I thought people would ignore because of its length but cool, I guess not.

[Electric Riley]

Okay then. Thank you for taking the time for that, I thought people would ignore because of its length but cool, I guess not.
Yeah, I like to do that cause -

1) It makes me sound intelligent, instead of saying "Gud work 8/10"

2) It makes people feel special, and they know exactly what to fix

3) It gives me a good repuation around here... hopefully

4) Other people will reply to mine with a good crit. But that doesn't usually happen.


BTW, your style is really mixed, and this shows just how diverse your taste and talent is. I like to dabble in a few different things too, so maybe I should try this.

Only if you promise to read it.

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Okey dokey. Ill even pinky swear. :thumb: Yeah I listen to lots of different stuff and just throw it all in.

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Wow. I dont know what to say. Ive posted 4 songs now and all of them have done fairly well. Im surprised. :)

[SubtleDagger]

This is essentially more than one song.