new song

[jbach]

There are problems up ahead
you will find of these none are easy to shed
take account of whast been said
or will you will live a life of fear and dread
somedays u will feel down
pushed to the point of a breakdown
as the sun set to the west
one final question in which you guessed
why have you been so depressed?
your final secret you confessed
time to leave the cruel earth
and you discovered what you were worth
a painfull thought, there is nothing there
at this time you became aware
no one here really cares






we need crits and a title for the song. thanks

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Okay the ryhmes semm very forced and unnatural. Breakdown and down dont really go well together. Thr ryhme scheme is constantly changing. Ot also seems very short to be a song. But the idea seems good. Heres mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[emo=elmow/otheL]

It seems really forced to me too. Doesn't seem like a whole song to me. And come up with your own **** title. :angry:

Oh yeah :) please crit my song:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367871