Love hits harder in smaller amounts

[Violent_Bill]

Hey, I'm sure most of you can work out the meaning behind this one, any crits are much appreciated. Crit for crit also.

I love you
And I love to hold you close
I love to burn you down
Cause I’m never whole

I love you
And I love to hold you down
You can burn me swift
You can tap my crown

I’m only half the man
That I deserve to be
But when you fill me
You fulfill me

I love you
But love is so slow
As I wait for you
To make me whole

I’m only half the man
That I deserve to be
But when you fill me
You fulfill me

[StrangelyBrewed13]

I like it but you chnage ryme schemes on the last line which isnt a big problem but is a bit annoying. It seems like it would be a pretty short song what with no chorus. unless its a poem. 8/10 heres mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Hmm...Almost seems like a short kinda punk song. Cool. I like the rhymes, they dont seem forced at all, which is great. I like the When you fill me you fulfill me part. Nice wordplay.
And heres my piece of crap:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367770

[Violent_Bill]

Thanks will crit yours shortly

[Violent_Bill]

bump

[Iron_Weed]

I quite like this, anything that can take the line "I love you" and not make it feel cliche kicks *** in my books. Nothing really wrong in this piece but some lines (i.e. you can tap my crown) just didn't interest me or draw me in. Try rephrasing this a bit but otherwise good work.

8/10

[nonamemadox]

cool song. i like the line:
"Im only half the man i deserve to be"
or how ever it goes. It remindes me of something but im not sure what.

heres my song:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368586

[forgotton fire]

cool song. very nice wording. i would like to see it with a chorus, but that may take away some of it overall. 8/10
you can crit mine at
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8806967#post8806967

[Violent_Bill]

Thanks everyone. Wow, quite a few pieces I'll have to get round to critting, I'm a tad busy at the moment but will get round to them soon as possible.

[Murder Sheep]

I liked it mostly. You used very simple language throughout it but I thought that was effective.