"Using their Lives" CRIT 4 CRIT

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Okay, this ones more or less about redemption. I just wrote some random stuff and tried to bring it together. The last one had split opinion and i expect the same on this. Its slow upbeat acoustic. This basically meant as and indie song. Leave a link for Yours. Why dont you guys say what you think its about.

Good lies,seen through your eyes
Dont try the seeing through their lives
Got nothing of what was deemed "mine"
Try on your costume and see if it dries

"Use speed", I say to your need
You may be rich but only in greed
Happiness, only if the times will tell
I'd rather be dead than give up your lead

Chorus
Blinded, I cursed you and fell
Grabing the branch on my way to hell
Lifted by fog, encased by road
The impact of summer was quite a load
Following a path, light by a torch
Walking in the sun, not afraid of the scorch

Future may hold its own misgivings
Away from the kings and thier way of livin
Watch the lines that youve been setting
Lord of kings and unforgiving

Chorus

Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second

Just pretty random things. But it would be cool if you guys told me what you though it was about as well as critiqueing. Thanks guys.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

bump

[emo=elmow/otheL]

This is pretty neat. I havent seen many like this since I started critiquing songs on here. I give it 9/10. The one line not afraid of a scorch though... I dunno. But for random stuff it came together pretty good. Ive tried that before, but I dont think it worked, good job.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

thanks a lot. Im trying to think of an alternative to that.

[HorrorBusiness78]

that was pretty good and original, the first part of the verse doesnt flow as well as the second part. i would make some changes in there. the chorus is fine, and the bridge makes sense with the song so its ok. id give it a 7.5/10 as it stands right now

[StrangelyBrewed13]

I made some changes what did you think it was about?

[Muggsy]

The rhyme scheme is very good, i like it a lot, has good flow to it. I don't like it wehere it says "Following a path, lighted by torch
Walking in the sun, not afraid of a scorch" try lit not lighted, and not afraid of scorch sounds a little funny. change that and its very good. 9/10

[VUbaru]

You know the drill. My comments in bold.



Good lies,seen through your eyes
Dont try the seeing [????] of their lives
Got nothing of what was deemed "mine"
Try on your costume and see if it dries

First line is good. Second line needs to be revised for grammar and clarity. As it stands now, it makes no sense whatsoever. Third line flows poorly and could use some trimming down. I would change the wording around. Fourth line is allright but "dries" seems out of place. I don't quite catch the imagery you're going for there.

I don't know how I feel about the rhyme scheme you're using in this verse. The two rhyming couplets are pseudorhymes with each other so you're really getting the same sound 4 times. If you intend to have that kind of repitition, more power to you, I guess.

"Gods speed", I say to your need
You may be rich but only in greed
Happiness, only if the times will tell
I'd rather be dead than give up your lead

In the first line, do you mean "Godspeed"? If not, I really don't know what this line is supposed to mean. I don't quite understand why "Gods speed" is there in the first place, because it doesn't fit very well, logically-speaking. It's kind of corny.

The speed/need/greed rhyme fits well with the pattern you set forth in the first verse. Second line is clever; I like it. Third line is passable, might want to revise for flow. The fourth line, however, is where it all breaks down. The rhyme is forced and the imagery isn't quite in line with the rest of your song. "Lead" in this case means dead weight, right? Wouldn't the singer of the song want to give up the other persons' dead weight and baggage?

Chorus
Blinded, I cursed you and fell
Grabing the branch on my way to hell
Lifted by fog, encased by road
The impact of summer was quite a load
Following a path, lighted by torch
Walking in the sun, not afraid of a scorch

Not a fan of the AA/BB/CC rhyme scheme, but I guess it fits in with the simple rhyming of the rest of the song. First two lines have some interesting imagery and flow OK. "Blinded" may not be the word you're looking for, though, and may present some flow/singability issues.

The third and fourth lines are interesting. Good imagery in the third line, although "encased by road" sounds a little awkward. The road/load rhyme looks very forced and "quite a load" does not fit the flow of the song. Definitely revise it.

The final two lines seem a little contrived and forced. Torch/scorch rhyme is very unnatural in the context of this song, and "not afraid of a scorch" looks a little ridiculous. I would delete these two lines entirely and come up with a different ending for the chorus.

Future may hold its own misgivings
Away from the kings and thier way of livin
Watch the lines that youve been setting
Your love have its own way of giving

-ing rhyme X 4. I don't like it. The repitition of "mis(givings)" and "giving" doesn't work at all. The imagery here is pretty nice, but there are still some obvious word choice issues here-- "setting" lines, etc. The fourth line here is a total mystery to me: nowhere else do you mention love. "have" should be "has." I guess I see where you're going with that, though, so you might want to keep the fourth line as it is.


Chorus

Loose yourself that i second
Loose yourself that i second
Loose yourself that i second
Loose yourself that i second
Loose yourself that i second

[b]"Loose" should read "lose." That bridge makes no sense whatsoever. Do you mean, "Lose yourself, THAT I second" (second, as in, agree with)? If so, you should definitely change the wording here. It is very confusing and doesn't make for an effective ending.


I couldn't figure out what the song was about. What few clear images you present are muddled by poor word choice and a lack of a greater cohesive meaning. If I had to guess, I would think that you wrote this in a fairly short amount of time in a stream-of-consciousness fashion. It probably doesn't mean anything, but I could definitely be wrong.

Is English your first language? Either way, good effort.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Thanks a lot guys. There are a loot of grammar problems because im only a kid. On the forth line I know I was thinking about redemption. Sorry about my horrible grammar :upset:. Maybe ill even give it a point.

[PunkSkater163]

I think it came out preatty good. I love the chorus. For critisicum I would say that its not really clear what the point of the song is. But you explained that in the beggining. and if i had to say anohter thing it would be that, i love metaphors and you use them really well, its just thier were a lot in thier! excellent job thoue! keep up the good work!

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368053
please comment mine

[StrangelyBrewed13]

bump

[bassfreak01]

i like this one alot... the only part that bugs me is the first verse.... i don't feel like doin quotes so ill write it out

good lies, seen through your eyes
don't thry the seeing of their lives (odd but still works)
got nothing of what was deemed mine ( i really like that line)
try on your costume and see if it dries (i have no idea what the hell that supposed to mean)

its just a little to...... random. but still a great song i give it 8/10

[StrangelyBrewed13]

I tried to write a totally random song this time. Its actually pretty hard to do it well. Thanks for taking the time to critique

[sc0tt0]

I really like it but you might want to change the "that i second" into something that means the same thing but is worded differently.

[Crimsonpunk]

I think this is pretty cool.
Some of the lines confusing, but they make sense within themselves.
'The impact of summer was quite a load'
This line could be changed mabye, i don't know the rythm, it just broke it in my head, mabye even just ' the impact of summer, quite a load' would go better.

I feckin love the outro, nuff said.

I don't know how to use links, or i can't be arsed to try, but if you can find
' ever get the feeling youv'e been had' crit it if you could.

Chrz
Demus

[Byron]

Overall it is good, however I don't love the look of that lose yourself (eminem used it already) but it is pretty good
8.5/10

[StrangelyBrewed13]

ya cool ill find that. You only have seventeen posts so itll be easy.Ohh okay well god knows I dont want to sound like a rapper.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

from what i read its pretty good
but im planning to give this a formal crit,
im just a tad busy now

[andysmit]

some of the rhymes seemed forced, but the chorus i liked, i actually like the "Walking in the sun, not afraid of the scorch" part
8/10

[StrangelyBrewed13]

thankyou

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

Good lies,seen through your eyes
Dont try the seeing through their lives
Got nothing of what was deemed "mine"
Try on your costume and see if it dries

the singular rhyme progression is alright
as for the content i think the third line is pretty much unecessary
(however that's spelt)
i think this can be improved

"Use speed", I say to your need
You may be rich but only in greed
Happiness, only if the times will tell
I'd rather be dead than give up your lead
the rhyme progression isn't gonna work it disturbs the flow
you start out with AAAA, now its AABA
this will burn u in the end cause its gonna sound funny witha steady chord progression
as for the content, im totally confused, i know this is suppose to be one of those my ex is a bytch song
but i don't understand it


Chorus
Blinded, I cursed you and fell
Grabing the branch on my way to hell
Lifted by fog, encased by road
The impact of summer was quite a load
Following a path, light by a torch
Walking in the sun, not afraid of the scorch
FINALLY!
now we got something
this is a good chorus,
im not diggin the last line
but hey thats your choice
good chorus



Future may hold its own misgivings
Away from the kings and thier way of livin
Watch the lines that youve been setting
Lord of kings and unforgiving
we're back at the aaba rhyme scheme
i suggest change your first verse so it could match the rest
i like this verse
it flows nicely i can almost sing it
i think you should take this verse and throw out the rest


Chorus

Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second
Lose yourself, that i second

your leaning toward something with this song
like i said if i were you i'd keep the chorus
and the third verse and start aknew
acause the rest sounds really uninspired
keep the AAbA rhyme progression

churn out two more awesome verses and you have a complete song

i'll give you 6/10

[factor46]

it was alright. i'm not sure it was the best indie song i've ever read, but it's decent. i liked the wording. there wasnt anything in particular that made me go "oh wow, that kicked ***" but it still stood out as above average. nice work.


and thanks for the crit on mine. :D

[StrangelyBrewed13]

I pretty dissatisfied with only a six or seven so wacth out for a revised version in a week or so.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

bump

[ozzfest05]

pretty good i like the main concept of the song, it flows good also....