Whats So Wrong With Me? (crit 4 crit)

[HorrorBusiness78]

What's So Wrong With Me?

Is there a problem?
What's so wrong with me?
for some reason you can't see
I'm the only one who cares
You run to everyone else
and you don't understand
I’ve been here all along.


Maybe I said too much
Maybe I tried too hard
I've just been wondering
Why I'm the one you discard
(2x)

Is there a problem?
What's so wrong with me?
Why cant you see?
I'm the only one who cares
You run to every guy
And I don't qualify
And If I can't be with you
I think I'd rather die

Where are you going?
Why leave me behind?
All I ever wanted
You rejected and denied

All these other people
Are getting in my way
I always tried to tell you
You never hear what I say

Anytime you're near
Time is always short
And sometimes a fear
that I'll never find anyone else.

Maybe I said too much
Maybe I tried too hard
I've just been wondering
Why I'm the one you discard
(2x)

You can't stand me
You don't want my company
No one is avoiding love
But you don't want mine

What's so wrong with me?
All I wanted was for you
to comprehend that I wanted you
but now its turned in the wrong direction
and I hate what’s become of what little we had before
and so I ask you

What's so wrong with me?


This is another song written by my bandmate and i really like it. It isnt all that fast in fact its kinda slow but it picks up speed in certain parts. let me know what you think. crit 4 crit

[StrangelyBrewed13]

I like it. uhh theres nothing really to fix. Some more imagery could be used. Tell your bandmate nice job. That wasnt really a great crit but I ask if you would do my brand new song "using thier lives" http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[HorrorBusiness78]

thanks and i'll crit yours real soon

[emo=elmow/otheL]

I think this is okay...It just seems to have that whole thing with the rhymes that have been done before...It could use some work, but hes on the right track for sure. Here take a look at mine please:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367770

[HorrorBusiness78]

no problem thanks

[HorrorBusiness78]

bump

[HorrorBusiness78]

bump

[fingis]

i loved the song. it's perfect

[Iwannabearockstar08]

does any one else in your band write besides you and the tall boy? anyway i really like it, but did this just come to you or is it about a real girl?

[HorrorBusiness78]

i dont know ask micah, but then again i wrote a lot of it since i fixed it up so much. the original was nothing like this. i dont think its about a reall girl but it could be.

[Iwannabearockstar08]

i see, well it's really good and i think a lot of people can realy relate to feeling like this,
"You run to every guy
And I don't qualify
And If I can't be with you
I think I'd rather die"

that was my favorite part, so don't change it!

"And sometimes a fear
that I'll never find anyone else."
this is only part i would change, just because it seems to break the flow, maybe it sounds god with the music, but from just reading it that's the only part i would change.
:wave:

[HorrorBusiness78]

lol i doubt this song is gonna be changed much its almost perfect as it is, but thanks.