Harsh comments welcome!!!

[emo=elmow/otheL]

The last song I posted was viewed by one person who said he hated it because it was too weird. I don't blame him. But heres something maybe a little less strange.


Everything I touch dies
And wont go away
Reminders of what I couldve done
Follow everyday

But the plague hides the answer
Douses me in cancer
The guilt is just
One more cut
And Ive sold all my chances

It makes me wonder if Im blind
Are the colors an illusion
Just reminders of what I couldve had
After this delusion

But the plague hides the answer
Douses me in cancer
The guilt is just
One more cut
And Ive sold all my chances

I couldve given up
I wouldve given up
I shouldve given up
And made this the last cut
I couldve given up
I wouldve given up
I shouldve given up
And made this the last flood

But the plague hides the answer
Douses me in cancer
The guilt is just
One more cut
And Ive sold all my chances.


Well there it is. Please be honest about what you think. And give specifics so I can try to improve.

[andysmit]

is that song saying that you want to cut yourself and commit suicide, other than that the lyrics had very good rythm and ryhme,
7.5/10

im not one for songs like these, but it was still pretty good

[emo=elmow/otheL]

No its not about suicide, its more of a metaphor for making mistakes kinda, you know like that saying shoot yourself in the foot. Thank you for the crit.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Thats a really cool song. Its a great medaphor for mistakes. It has unforced ryhmes and a steady rythym which are pretty **** hard to write. I hate to do this but can you crit my BRAND new one. Heres the link http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

P.S. when you get into the main S&L page right click on your songs title and choose save short cut. Then when your writing a crit right click and paste and you make a link.

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Thats a really cool song. Its a great medaphor for mistakes. It has unforced ryhmes and a steady rythym which are pretty **** hard to write. I hate to do this but can you crit my BRAND new one. Heres the link http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

P.S. when you get into the main S&L page right click on your songs title and choose save short cut. Then when your writing a crit right click and paste and you make a link.

Thanks. I never expected anybody to like it this much, especially after I posted my first one. Oh and thanks for telling me how to make a link.

[VUbaru]

My critiques/suggestions in bold.


Everything I touch dies
And wont go away
Reminders of what I couldve done
Follow everyday

I think that this is the strongest verse you have written in this song. I especially like the third and forth lines. The flow is very good. If I had to make one suggestion here, I'd look at the second line and see if you can't put some more meaning or images in it. "Won't go away"-- keep "away" obviously, for the rhyme-- may be too simplistic. Just a minor gripe.

But the plague hides the answer
Douses me in cancer
The guilt is just
One more cut
And Ive sold all my chances

This is where it gets a little weird. Weird is fine and there's nothing wrong with weirdness yourself, but I think you would benefit from some different word choice in a few select spots and cleaning up a few extranneous words. "But" in the first line should go, seeing as it's the lead line of your chorus and you want that to be as pointed and focused as possible. I'm indifferent about "plague" in the first line, I see where you're going but I wonder if you can find a different metaphor there to express your frustration.

"Douses me in cancer" is where it all breaks down. "Douse" doesn't really fit here, and the entire phrase comes off as nonsensical. Honestly, the chorus is pretty good without it and I would just delete that second line. The third and forth lines flow well. I see where you were going with the cancer/chances pseudorhyme but I just really don't like the second line. Maybe you can salvage something from it.

It makes me wonder if Im blind
Are the colors an illusion
Just reminders of what I couldve had
After this delusion

It seems to me that the ideas you express in your verse are stronger and more interesting than those in your chorus. Just my opinion. This is another example of that. The idea is great. In the first line, "It makes me wonder" comes off as wishy-washy. I would just go with "I wonder if I'm blind." Second line is good. The third line could be trimmed a bit for flow, such as "Reminders of what I could've had," but I would suggest "Reminders of what could've been" to get the alliteration of the "b" in there from blind in the first line.

But the plague hides the answer
Douses me in cancer
The guilt is just
One more cut
And Ive sold all my chances

I couldve given up
I wouldve given up
I shouldve given up
And made this the last cut
I couldve given up
I wouldve given up
I shouldve given up
And made this the last flood
Here is where I can see people interpreting your song as being about suicide. I would take the ideas you've put in your verse about making mistakes, etc. and continue them here in an entirely new bridge. "Last cut" is an image I would keep, perhaps contrast that with wanting to take "a new cut," ie a new take on things, a new lease on life.


But the plague hides the answer
Douses me in cancer
The guilt is just
One more cut
And Ive sold all my chances.

I don't know if I'd repeat the chorus as much in the song's current form. If you could continue the good work you've done on the verses here for a third time, I think that would fit well. If you don't have the material to do so, take your first or second verse and change the words around, and make them mean something different. Give the song a resolution. Are you going to continue being frustrated, or are you going to learn something?

Well there it is. Please be honest about what you think. And give specifics so I can try to improve.

A solid effort. :thumb:

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Wow. I didnt think anyone would want to take the time to type that much. Thanks. The whole could have would have should have thing is more about being in denial about mistakes youve made and just making them worse when you couldve just walked away from it. The suicide thing, well, I think its possible to be alive but to not really live you know? Not like Terry Schiavo or anything, but to be so angry that you do nothing sit around and brood kinda...

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Here, if you liked this, its a stretch, but maybe youll like this too. I dunno though it is, quite frankly, ****ed up but oh well. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=366743

[HorrorBusiness78]

that was pretty good. it doesnt have any forced rhymes and it flows perfectly. the lyrics arent all that great but they arent bad either. id say about a 7/10

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Sweet.

[iainb]

pretty good. sounds really dark. only thing I can see wrong with it is that it could probably be a little longer. 8/10