just a poem that i started please crit

[jmusic4every]

Should i stop right there and stop writing cuz it sucks or should i keep on and try to make a song out of it??????


I read your to do list
And I’m just sad to see you’re not waking
I looked at all those wishes
When I carried you all the way up
To the tower of your dreams
I sat on the sandy beach
While you laid there unconsciously
As your mother passed on by
I’m was glad you didn’t see me cry
That one day I slow danced with you
You asked on that full bright moon
We saw the sunset together
But I think you missed it
I’m glad you weren’t annoyed
When I told you 100 times you were beautiful

[epihasi]

Huh, some lines are very pretty.. Some of them are a bit..umm, how should I say, not that poetic, compared to the rest. For instance " I'm glad you were'nt annoyed'.
That doesn't fit in my opinion...
The rest is ok, I guess.. :)

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Its very pretty and emotional without falling within my definition of *gasp*...EMO!!! (step one. See screen name. step two. nod understandingly)

Yeah, so thats good. Oh and never throw anything away. Hide it from yourself for a really really long time and then you can laugh at yourself and move on later. Other than that I cant really say anything else since it isn't finished. Just remember, flow is everything.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367871

[jmusic4every]

thanks for the crit you guys.
yeah some parts kind aren't that poetic I was just thinking and came up with this idea. And good thought about not throwing away stupid lyrics so you can look at it and laugh at yourself.

[epihasi]

Oh and never throw anything away. Hide it from yourself for a really really long time and then you can laugh at yourself and move on later. \

Haha yeah, that's cool.. I used to write rap songs!! :upset:
Now, like three years later, I found 'em and it's foicking hilarious!!
It's incredible how "cool" you are when you're like 12. :naughty:
So yeah, never ever, never ever throw away your lyrics!