1st song. crit for crit

[Muggsy]

ok this is my first song, but i didn't want to post it because its soo long. This was written before TRUTH. If you have the patience to read it all please crit it and post your song for me to crit. this song has no name atm.

Day by day I live my life and all the time people fck with my head.
Sometimes I wish that the world would end and sometimes I never want to leave it....

----chorus1-Fck them. Fck me. all of this is inside of me. Fck them. Fck me.
Fck them.Fck me. I ant to get this out of me.


You don't want to fck with me becuz I'll fck you up. When you touch them you are touching me and I dont want to be touched.

-------chorus1

You fcking suck you muther fckers always telling me what to do, If it were up to me I would kill you. You keep me contained in a small box that I can not escape from. You make me feel like sht.

------chorus1

When I try to do something right or prove someone wrong you just push me away. Fck you. I hate it when I wanna do oone thing but you force me into another. I don't wanna listen to you cuz you took my life from me.

-------chorus1

I wanna spend my life how it was meant to be, but you took it all away from me. I just hope you die and all ill do is laugh bcuz thats how i feel.


--SOLO--

One of these days I'm gonna fckin burst and everyone will be sorry. All you bastards will die by my hand. And i will get the last laugh.


---Chorus2---
I have no choice. I have no power in this domestic prison. I can't express myself, so you think you can for me. I have my own individuality you aren't my mind so face reality.

Someone says that i have a choice and a right to be free but all you muther fckers take it from me. this aint a free polace with all these rules and all this disgrace. You just push me around and say i should listen and if i dont im a bad person.

---Chorus2----

When we commit a crime you don't really care if they get locked up all you care about is the money. I don't give a sht wat you say, i nt needs to be changed.

---Chorus2---

How would you like it if something you thought was truly right was cosidered by society terribly wrong. fck society they think they are perfect but they are far from it.

----Chorus2---


----------------------------
Well thats it, enjoy and plz crit or at least give me a numbr grade.

[andysmit]

wat ur problem with the world, and fck made it kinda horrible, but uhh good try

[Bub]

"If you really think that I will find your song funny, you can go ahead and post it, but I'm warning you now, I will probably not, and you will be dealing with the consequences."

From the official rules.

[Iwannabearockstar08]

umm you sem very angry, and you contradict yourself a couple of times, like first you say "f*** me" and then you say "dont f**** with me" not alot of it made sinse really, maybe you should try some differen't verbs in place of the "f bomb" that word just makes it more like a trailer park argument than a song.

[bowl of oranges]

This is terrible. Please never write anything like it again.

[Muggsy]

thanx all. this wasnt meant as a joke...

[islamicbob5342]

way too many f-bombs in there man. if u use f-bombs too much they start to lose their point.

[emo=elmow/otheL]

I agree with mr Islamic bob. Too many F words. You see, once upon a time, in a place called South Park Colorado, sh*t was allowed to be said on TV, and then it became an everyday word, and a giant dragon out of the Earth after use #160 or so and started killing people. Anyway yeah, it used to have all kinds of meaning, but you need dynamics in a song, not just fck fck fck fck etc. It becomes monotone you know? Other than that, the flow was a bit shaky, but I might be reading it the wrong way or something. The lenghth doesnt bother me at all, I think its good when people decide to challenge themselves to write long stuff but you were like, I dunno just on the same level of pissed the whole time.
6.5/10

Please read mine. I need serious help too.

[HorrorBusiness78]

this one cant be helped just throw it away for the good of the world...or at least this message board

[Muggsy]

if i super- refine it-take out f-bomb- other profaity and tune it more coould it have any potential?

[StrangelyBrewed13]

You can write an angry song without using ****. Try getting your point across in a less hostile way. I give this a 5/10 please crit my brand new one http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[sportsfan4427]

umm... swearing in a song isn't bad... but what you did is BAD

[Bub]

Sorry, I genuinely thought this was a joke.
That doesn't say much.
It f-bombs a lot - yes - we get it - you're not afraid to say it.
It has no flow, rhythm, structure...anything
Nothing is said throughout the whole song other than practically "leave me alone"

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Because if you're old enough to say "fck" you should be old enough to know how songs work. Study the ones you listen to, or some on here.