Calling in all crits: Lucid

[VUbaru]

I've done a bunch of crits before posting my first song, so I'm calling in all favors. Please take some time to read through it and give a thorough review. "It's good, 8/10" or "It sucks, 4/10" are comments that really don't help me much. The music is pretty much finished and I'm just looking to polish things up a bit.

Title suggestions welcomed.

Thanks in advance!
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(Verse 1)
Shut my eyes and the world is gone
Screen the movie of my life
Watch the film flicker through my mind
Golden silence screams goodbye

Quiet lasts until the day breaks in
Sunlight creeping through the blinds
Exhale the dust from my lungs
Leave this shell of me behind

(Chorus)
Where will I go when the theatre’s closed
And how long will the credits roll?
When I wake up, you’ll never believe
What happened years ago

(Verse 2)

Lock the doors and board up the windows
Good things come for those who wait
I’ll shake with cold apprehension
Til the shadows fly away

[vocals key change/screaming]
I’ll take refuge in my head
And leave nothing unsaid
Sleep here in my bed
Promise I'm not dead

(Chorus)
Where will I go if the churches close
How much does the preacher know
When I wake up, you’ll never believe
What happened years ago
What happened years ago
What happened years ago—

[epihasi]

That was beautiful.. Really I liked it. I wouldn't make any major changes.
Except maybe the line "promise I'm not dead".. Maybe change that.
Overall I love it.
If the music fits well, this is a very decent song.
Overall a definite 10/10 :thumb:

[VUbaru]

That was beautiful.. Really I liked it. I wouldn't make any major changes.
Except maybe the line "promise I'm not dead".. Maybe change that.
Overall I love it.
If the music fits well, this is a very decent song.
Overall a definite 10/10 :thumb:

Yeah, you're right, that's clearly the weakest line. I'm still thinking on that one and would welcome any suggestions. Thanks for the compliments man. Link a song of yours if you want me to look it over.

[andysmit]

it was kinda weird the way i was singing it in my head, but then the words themself were good, if you record yourself that would give me a clearer idea, but from what i read you can have a 9, 10 is perfect, perfection is so close but so far

pat yourself on the back

[emo=elmow/otheL]

This was cool. I liked the movie theatre thing, thats pretty neat. 9/10. That all that needs to be said I think.
Can you take a look at one of mine? I'd give you a link but I dont know how.
Search under "Harsh comments welcome" thats my newest one.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

that was good the imagery had a lot to it. I wouldnt mind hearing that song with music behind cause im already singing the lyrics myself. Some of the lines seem a bit forced but only one or two. 9.5/10. Heres my new one.

[VUbaru]

that was good the imagery had a lot to it. I wouldnt mind hearing that song with music behind cause im already singing the lyrics myself. Some of the lines seem a bit forced but only one or two. 9.5/10. Heres my new one.

Which lines seem forced? I'd be happy to change them. Where's the link to your song.

Everyone else who posted, you have some crits incoming. I'd definitely welcome more suggestions, especially regarding the title...

My band has a really rough take of this recorded with just drums, lead guitar, and vocals. I'd be too embarassed to post it right now but hopefully in the next few weeks we'll have a better recording of it.

[VUbaru]

I’ll take refuge in my head
And leave nothing unsaid
Sleep here in my bed
Promise I'm not dead

Changed to...

I’ll take refuge in my head
And leave nothing unsaid
Sleeping in my bed
Everything is dead

Fits the song better, flow is slightly improved. What do you guys think?

Last chance for crits on this one.