New Song Please crit

[intuendogroup]

new sog by my band (intuendo) please crit

Unseen Identity
I gotta see you again
I gotta see you again
I gotta see you again

I want to talk with you
I wanna know you
you walked in I took notice

I was thrown out of reality
my mouth was on mute,
my limbs could'nt move
all i did was breathe

You said something and it took
a long time to register

ok you may not feel the same way
thas fine
I just have to unload all this
so i can start thinking clear again

I handed you over something
I was shaking and
heart pounding overtime

I will probably see you again
well i hope i do
just so i can ride the rollercoaster of emotions again

Yeah this may sound crazy
but thats just how i feel
your living in me know
and i dont know you.




Please crit and i'll crit your songs Please

[umbilical_mind]

yeah thats nice. I like it anyways, but my opinion doesnt really mean much here i dont feel, my songs arent all that great apparently. anyhow, I do really relate to what you're writing about and you do put it forward pretty well :)

[intuendogroup]

thanks im new to this and havnt got many replies to my songs and its nice to hear from people i'd like to read your songs no matter what other people think thanks

[umbilical_mind]

it's cool, i've just started posting my songs up here and people seem to care more about rhyme scheme and crap like that than the point your trying to bring across. don't let 'em getcha down! im on this: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367034

glad to help :D

[Electric Riley]

[I][B]Unseen Identity
I gotta see you again
I gotta see you again
I gotta see you again

I want to talk with you
I wanna know you
you walked in I took notice

Meh. Pretty average opening. You could have made it interesting, but now, you have a repetitive and boring hook, and a mediocre first verse. Scrap it all.

I was thrown out of reality
my mouth was on mute,
my limbs could'nt move
all i did was breathe

This is pretty cool. Not complex, but nice. Seriously, change the start, this is so much better.

You said something and it took
a long time to register

Honest and bold, well done.

ok you may not feel the same way
thas fine
I just have to unload all this
so i can start thinking clear again

Unload is a bad choice in wording. But the rest of this is ok, its brutally raw. That's a bit of a trend recently.

I handed you over something
I was shaking and
heart pounding overtime

My heart is pounding overtime. The lyrics aren't great mate, but I'm lovin the story.

I will probably see you again
well i hope i do
just so i can ride the rollercoaster of emotions again

I'm undecided on this verse. Well, mainly the last line. Throughout the whole thing you haven't used a sigle metaphor and now you've got a really clichéd one. I say drop it.

Yeah this may sound crazy
but thats just how i feel
your living in me now
and i dont know you.

Meh, not that great. Could be better.


Great story, good emotions and all that jazz, but really simple. I like it. It's fresh and bold.

8/10

Can you crit this please? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8765620#post8765620

[Oleg]

I aint got any message out of this song. I'm afraid I'm not impressed. Sorry.

[jkghimp]

Id like to here da melodt first, otherwaise awesome

[jkghimp]

soz dats moelody