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PuddleOfEmotion
07-19-2005, 02:46 AM
Inside My Head.
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I'm trapped inside and endless lie;
a life of trying to buy some time.
Can't get out I'm too far in;
procrastination, deadly sin.
On tangled strings attached I fall;
if I had the knife I'd cut them all.
There's two sides when you see my life;
one seems wrong, the other right.

The choice is easy but I've made it hard;
I grasp and reach, the truth is far.
When I get there I'll be forever true,
but right now theres nothing I can do.
Wish you'd accept my other side;
but you can't and I understand why.
And if I could start from scratch I would,
I'd take back all the pain I've put.

My pride dies as my thoughts unwind,
as I lay here still and hope to find,
a way to change deceitful ways,
to go back to those better days.
When problems just faded away,
when candy took away the pain.
Now my days just ain't the same,
lifes innocence sees slow decay.

I'd take away the stress I've caused;
I'm empty now, your trust I've lost.
But I can't go back, I must accept;
from this day on until my death,
I'll work to regain your respect,
your trust and love, how much it meant.
You'll never know it's hard to show,
emotions hide inside my soul.

My pride dies as my thoughts unwind,
as I lay here still and hope to find,
a way to change deceitful ways,
to go back to those better days.
When problems just faded away,
when candy took away the pain.
Now my days just ain't the same,
lifes innocence sees slow decay.

As I think of what you've given me,
I cry inside, I watch you grieve.
The tears build up inside my eyes,
I fight to keep them all disguised.
The lies I tell become my life;
I tripped and fell I start to slide.
And everythings downhill from here,
far from the start, theres no end near.

My pride dies as my thoughts unwind,
as I lay here still and hope to find,
a way to change deceitful ways,
to go back to those better days.
When problems just faded away,
when candy took away the pain.
Now my days just ain't the same,
lifes innocence sees slow decay.

islamicbob5342
07-19-2005, 02:56 AM
Well written and smooth. Main problem is that the rhyme structure is incredibly predictable. The rhyming gets kind of annoying with every two lines rhyming with each other and every single line being the same length. The verse and chorus are pretty much the same. I think it could be real good if you corrected the generic rhyming and structure problem.

PuddleOfEmotion
07-19-2005, 03:11 AM
thank you very much...after reading your crit then reading the song over again i totally see where your coming from, but it cant think of how to get rid of the generic structure...any tips you have that could help me do this would be greatly appreciated.

also if theres a song of yours you'd like me to crit just give me the title and its as good as done.

thanks again bro

islamicbob5342
07-22-2005, 06:27 PM
Hmm... well it's kind of hard to change the structure a lot once you've already written it. Just next time you write a song keep the generic rhyme song problem in your mind I guess.

Here's my song for you to crit. Thanks.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367383