I Held An Angel

[Sloth]

I haven't been writing a lot lately ... But here's a piece for you guys to chew on for a while. I'm rather fond of this piece myself, but I would LOVE your comments.. :thumb:


"I Held An Angel"

-_-
I'm sure I've known you forever
or at least it feels that way
teeter-totter feelings
jumping up, down, even around
more than often, even by day

as the years went by
through my lows
and your highs
I grew to love
The things I hate
But all of a sudden
My love’s far too late

You just said
You are leaving soon
so let me love you
just the way I want to
don’t listen to them
choose for yourself
what you can or can’t do

but no one likes loves songs anymore
so I'll whistle a tune
nameless only to you
while I hand you a note
and say
“this isn't what you think it is”
but then I just walk away

I wish I could love you
just the way I want to
so give me a remedy
for my vivid memory
although I want it
I’d hate hearing you love me

it’s like life’s a god **** jokes that I don’t get
comedian Jesus pick a path and stop laughing
in defeat, I sit in front of a TV without reception
simply staring, not caring, numb and staring

so at least hug me goodbye
and please squeeze me tight
so in the morning light
I can finally say,
I held an angel last night

and now only a goodbye outweighing the world can close my eyes
-_-


thanks for the read.. cheers :chug:

[Aaron_Of_Oz]

I liked it i think it was clever but everyone these days seems to be writing about girls so maybe you should try other things as well

[factor46]

This was a nice piece my man. The wording was awesome all throughout the song, and the structure held tight. I loved this stanza:

"but no one likes loves songs anymore
so I'll whistle a tune
nameless only to you
while I hand you a note
and say
“this isn't what you think it is”
but then I just walk away"

...That was very nice. But then you go and put in this stanza:

"it’s like life’s a god **** jokes that I don’t get
comedian Jesus pick a path and stop laughing
in defeat, I sit in front of a TV without reception
simply staring, not caring, numb and staring"

...I don't know if that even fits in this piece. Maybe so. But it doesn't hold the same tone and feeling as the rest. So my suggestion would be to either just get rid of this part, or change it up alot. But that's my opinion. Other than that part, this was an excellently written work. I wasn't bored reading through it, and it has a nice meaning. Great job sloth. :thumb:



Could you crit my newest?
http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367309
Thanks.

[Sloth]

withoutacause-- thanks.. Yeah, I know everyone writes about that, but I just had to get this idea down instead of just dropping it..

factor-- cool cool... yeah, I meant for that stanza to change/alter the feeling of the piece. But I so agree with you that it changes things too drastically, so I will end up changing that. Thanks for the crit :thumb:

[guitarist/songwriter100]

this song was awsome my man it has wicked flow and structure it reminds me of my first song but mine wasn't as perfectly written. good job man

[Sloth]

thanks man


bump

[lord of darkness]

well at first I didn't want to crit this because honestly it's so good that I can,t be of any help on what to change and on how to do it, but I will tell you which part is my favorite and which is the one I find less good, but still pretty good:P

best part in my opinion:

so at least hug me goodbye
and please squeeze me tight
so in the morning light
I can finally say,
I held an angel last night

and now only a goodbye outweighing the world can close my eyes

I just love this ending I think it's great

the one I liked the least:

it’s like life’s a god **** jokes that I don’t get
comedian Jesus pick a path and stop laughing
in defeat, I sit in front of a TV without reception
simply staring, not caring, numb and staring

also the rhyme with things such as you, to, do sounds a little cheesy taken "alone" but this piece was so nice that I'd rather just tell you to let everything like this

I don,t like to talk about perfection, cause perfection is unatainable, but I shouldn't take of marks just for the sake of it, so 10/10 for me, even thought the subject is often used, no one can argue about the fact it was greatly written. congratulation for this piece

of course this crit was useless, but I thought you should know how great this piece is in my opinion

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Very well written. THe flow is constant and doesnt have gaps. The imagery adds to the piece. And youve managed to make an old topic new again. Good Job. Heres Mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367799

[AnAlienOfNothing]

It was well-constructed, and flowed nicely, but it seemed to be unbalanced, and in a few places a tad bit silly. Still very, very good though. I would give it a solid 6/10. Keep writing!
:thumb:

[Sloth]

haha.. thanks for the comments guys..

I'll try to get to your pieces a.s.a.p.


anyone else?

[Sloth]

*cough cough* bump

[TheOpeningAct101]

Verse 1
i like this alot. only the teeter-totter thing bugs me a little bit. its kinda weak wording for a strong subject. also i think the fourth line can be worded diffrently. it just dosent seem to fit .


Verse 2
i love how your tryin to apraoch this subject in a diffrent way, but this verse dosent have the same tone as the rest of the song, which as all fine and dandy, but here it sounds weird.

verse 3
i really like this verse. wouldnt change a thing except the last two lines. especially the last 1. i think maybe,"what you want for yourself", or somethin llike thst.


verse 4
i think this 1 is fine the way it is. its deep in its own way and i just really like it alot


verse 5
leave it... i love it


verse 6
i dont know whats goin on here. maybe you want this to be the climax of the song with a powerful bass drivin theme? i dont know, but its good to see more than 1 emotion in a song. i like it.

verse 7
once agin i love it



overview
i appreciate how you tried to approach this subject in a diffrent way the your normal sad love song. it is very inderect to the "love" and more on the raw emotion of the situation, and for that i appluade you. in some spots it almost sounds like you wrote this in npieces and then later put them all together. if this is so, and if its not, i believe witha litlle revision here and there this can be a very powerful and emotion filled piece that we all can say,"Wow", after reading.
6/10


plz check mine out (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368732)

[Sloth]

cool.. thanks for the crit. Seems like everyone has the same opinions on what needs more work... I'll get you back asap



Anyone else?

[bowl of oranges]

I'm sure I've known you forever
or at least it feels that way
teeter-totter feelings
jumping up, down, even around
more than often, even by day
Not a great start, the first line sets the scene but from there it goes off course, in a bad way. I mean "teeter-totter feelings" you can do alot better than this.

as the years went by
through my lows
and your highs
I grew to love
The things I hate
But all of a sudden
My love’s far too late
This is better, it has a bit of a weird rhythm, but it's good. The actual content isn't all that great though, again i know you can do better.

You just said
You are leaving soon
so let me love you
just the way I want to
don’t listen to them
choose for yourself
what you can or can’t do
About the same applies here as the last stanza, perhaps this is a little better content wise.

but no one likes loves songs anymore
so I'll whistle a tune
nameless only to you
while I hand you a note
and say
“this isn't what you think it is”
but then I just walk away
This is more like it, by far the best bit of the song so far. I love the way you take something ordinary and simple, a love song, twist it completely and leave us on the edge with the handing of the note. Good work here.

I wish I could love you
just the way I want to
so give me a remedy
for my vivid memory
although I want it
I’d hate hearing you love me
You've gone backwards a bit here. But this is better than the other stanzas i wasn't a fan of. The pairing of remedy and memory is an unusual one and seems to work. The last two lines are fairly good.

it’s like life’s a god **** jokes that I don’t get
comedian Jesus pick a path and stop laughing
in defeat, I sit in front of a TV without reception
simply staring, not caring, numb and staring
Ok i really disliked the first two lines here, i think it was way too much of an agressive jump. The last two are more suited to this peice and i like the use of staring at a tv without reception, but yeah first two lines, not good.

so at least hug me goodbye
and please squeeze me tight
so in the morning light
I can finally say,
I held an angel last night
Did somebody say mush? This is pretty overkill i think, well the please squeeze me tight bit atleast, it's the kind of thing a child would say to it's mother.

and now only a goodbye outweighing the world can close my eyes
I'm not sure on whether i like this line or not. I think i like what you're getting at but the way you've worded it doesn't pull it off too well.

Overall - This peice is really hit and miss the 4th stanza is by far and away the best part of the song. The rest is all pretty average really, especially considering some peices of yours i've read. I'd like to see this reworked though as some of it is worthy of a better song.

Thanks for your words on my work.

[Sloth]

awesome.. thanks for the help :thumb:

[morrissey]

Does this remind anyone else of Silly Love songs by good old Pauly Mac and Wings? Yeah probably not.

I suck at pretending so I'll come out straight. I'm not really into the critiquing thing any more mostly because I can't think of anything helpful to say. Like right now. Uh nice to see you're still writing. I like it but certain lines feel very amateur especially things like "the things I hate/[...]My love's far too late". That's a tough line to appreciate or respect, it's very weak. And there are others that are just as bad. But overall it's an above average piece, it's just missing a special touch that would make me appreciate it. Lose the weak lines, at least maintain the meaning but lose the 9th grade poetry.

I might look at this again to try to be more helpful, but yuo know how unreliable I am.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Good job, as per usual, Sloth. I particularly like "No-one likes love songs any more..." Very true, especially around here. Peace.

[Sloth]

Holy crap.. I never thought I see you two critting my stuff again.. Good to see you BOTH again.
Haha, I liked the 9th grade poetry comment Mozza... thanks for the comments..

Cheers so mozza and Blacklight :chug: