Colors In The Sky

[islamicbob5342]

Colors In The Sky

the colors in the sky they don’t feel half as vibrant as they did before- before
like the colors in your eyes reminding me of what i won’t see anymore- anymore
now that you’re gone i’m holding on to memories of times i spent with you- with you
a new day dawns and life goes on but i don’t want to live it without you- i need you

‘cus i can’t forget you, how could you leave me soon
we can never go back, we can never go back
you left me alone in a meaningless world
we can never go back, we can never go back

the pictures on my wall they don’t do justice to the person i once knew- once knew
they watch me wait here for your call so they can mock me when that call never comes through- never comes through
the days are long, the nights drag on, and sunday mornings will never be the same- the same
my friend is gone, my rock is gone, i lost a part of me when you went away- just one more day

‘cus i can’t forget you, how could you leave me soon
we can never go back, we can never go back
you left me alone in a meaningless world
we can never go back, we can never go back

take another pill, sleep through another day
‘cus i’ve got time to kill and we’ve all got bills to pay
the walls are closing in as the TV calls me names
but i saw you in a dream and you told me that everything would be okay

take another pill, sleep through another day
you told me we’d be one forever
‘cus i’ve got time to kill and we’ve all got bills to pay
i hope you didn’t lie
the walls are closing in as the TV calls me names
so here it is my last endeavor
but i saw you in a dream and you told me that everything would be okay
it’s time i make things right
this pain ends here tonight

‘cus i can’t forget you, how could you leave me soon
we can never go back, we can never go back
you left me alone in a meaningless world
we can never go back, we can never go back
we can never go back
we can never go back
i want to go back

[Muggsy]

pretty good. for the red part you should get a back up vocalist to do em while the lead is still going. flows pretty good, no complaints, 6/10

plz crit mine: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367307

[islamicbob5342]

well the red was actually the lines I didn't like that I want to change. But thanks.

[islamicbob5342]

although if u give me a 6 you should probably give me a reason

[Muggsy]

well it really depends on what music is going with it. the verses are a litlle wird but pretty good not great tho. and here:They watch me wait here for your call so they can mock me when that call never comes through- never comes through
--use .....that call never comes throught-comes through not ....-never comes through.

[islamicbob5342]

well really what it should be based on the 1st verse's 2nd line (anymore) and my actual scheme is "-ver comes through". But that would be stupid. So it's "never comes through". And let's not forget that I can't say "comes through", because it doesn't actually come through.

[Muggsy]

wait.. is it a back-up person doing the parts after the dashes?

[islamicbob5342]

ideally- even though I haven't actually recorded it.

[Muggsy]

ok thats good.

[umbilical_mind]

i like it, i'd be interested in hearing the finished thing. you should have a girl doing the backing.

[Iwannabearockstar08]

i like it, i'm a sucker for break up songs, i've written a lot of poetry and short stories about breakups so i know how you feel if this for real, so because i can realate i really like it, so 8/10 because it's not completed yet, i don't really know what you could do about the red lines, do they all have to be there?

[islamicbob5342]

Not really a breakup song. It's actually about death. If it was a breakup song it would be really overdramatic and I'm not a big fan of whiney songwriters that act like life is over because some girl/guy doesn't like them. This song is definitely dramatic especially when it gets to the bridge and hints at suicide (in case nobody caught that) but only because the character truly lost the person he loves. The red lines have to be there for the flow, but right now they are just filler lines that add nothing lyrically to the song. I can live with them though I guess, just hoping somebody could think of something. But thanks for the good rating :thumb:

[emo=elmow/otheL]

It isnt that badly done but it just doesnt seem to jump out at me. The verse lines...well I dont know what to do about the red lines, but overall the verse lines seem...poorly managed? They seem kinda out of control; could use little clips here and there...7/10

I think youve seen my other 2songs, but I just posted this one:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367871

[islamicbob5342]

It isnt that badly done but it just doesnt seem to jump out at me. The verse lines...well I dont know what to do about the red lines, but overall the verse lines seem...poorly managed? They seem kinda out of control; could use little clips here and there...7/10

I think youve seen my other 2songs, but I just posted this one:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367871

Thanks but what do you mean by clips? Cutting stuff out? Because if you notice there's a real flow to the lines that would be ruined if I took out lines.

[PunkSkater163]

I have to be honest, I was expecting something crap. because most of the time when people comment mine a little negateive and I read thiers I personally don't like it. But this was a really good song. The only part I thought wasn't that great was the rock part. But other then that Its really well written.

[islamicbob5342]

Hey thanks man that means a lot. And like I said that rock line is only filler until I think of something with some more substance.

[bassfreak01]

that song reminds me alot about...... another song. i can't remember what the name is tho... especially the chorus "we can never go back" what is the name?! god thats gonna bug me. back to ur song. other than reminding me of something thats been done i still think it is a good song with very awsome rhyming. its good that u managed to right a death song very um.. peacefully most of them i hear are really frantic and it just sounds wrong overall i give a 7.5/10

[EmoMagnum]

I dunno about this. I like it, but I cant really get into it. The verses dont really appeal to me much, but I love the chorus. Even though the words are generic, it hooks you into the song, because you said the song is meant to be soft and simple and overly poetic phrases and imagery dont need to be used as much.

As for you saying it was about death, Im getting more of a "Youre gone, My life is over type deal."; this is made even more apparant with the suicide hint you left in the bridge. Its still kind of about death, but it really seems more specialized into the type of song you said you hated. I cant really critique it any more, but Ill give it a 7/10.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368601

[forgotton fire]

good song. you could juice it up a bit, though. i don't like making suggestions for other's songs so i wont. i will give you a 7.5/10 though. good job

[islamicbob5342]

I dunno about this. I like it, but I cant really get into it. The verses dont really appeal to me much, but I love the chorus. Even though the words are generic, it hooks you into the song, because you said the song is meant to be soft and simple and overly poetic phrases and imagery dont need to be used as much.

As for you saying it was about death, Im getting more of a "Youre gone, My life is over type deal."; this is made even more apparant with the suicide hint you left in the bridge. Its still kind of about death, but it really seems more specialized into the type of song you said you hated. I cant really critique it any more, but Ill give it a 7/10.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=368601

What you're saying is true- the guy in the song really is kind of whiney and over the top- but I guess that's what I wanted, for him to really take it too hard. The songs I hate are the over the top songs about something that isn't actually such a big deal. But thanks for the crits everybody.

[TMA]

Nicely done. It really reminds me of something I was feeling a few months back, and I think that really may add to it on my point of veiw because of that.
And I have to say, while the red lines may not add that much to it in your opinion, in my mind, they'd make great backing vocals.
Very nice job. :thumb:

[islamicbob5342]

Anybody else?

[Bub]

Verse 1
The colors in the sky they dont feel half as vibrant as they did before- before
Like the colors in your eyes reminding me of what I won't see anymore- anymore Beautiful. Simply.
Now that you're gone I'm holding on to memories of times I spent with you- with you
A new day dawns and life goes on but I don't want to live life without you- I need you Maybe "live it" instead of "live life".. because "life" is a word that stands out, and when saying it twice in the same line, it seems too full
Chorus
Because I can't forget you and how you left me so soon This bit in red..."and how you left me so soon"....is it even necessary? Is space there even necessary? "Because I can't forget you" on its own would would, IMO
We can never go back, we can never go back
You left me alone in a meaningless world Simple, nice
We can never go back, we can never go back

Verse 2
The pictures on my wall they don't do justice to the person I once knew- once knew
They watch me wait here for your call so they can mock me when that call never comes through- never comes through Good idea, quite poorly executed..not great flow, too many syllables...and "mock" doesn't seem the right word
The days are long, the nights drag on, and Sunday mornings will never be the same- the same
My friend is gone, my rock is gone, I lost a part of me when you went away- just one more day You're right about this line...hmm..."My friend is gone, my rock is gone, and in your space a cloud of pain" maybe? ALong those lines mayybe...

Chorus
Because I can't forget you and how you left me so soon
We can never go back, we can never go back
You left me alone in a meaningless world
We can never go back, we can never go back

Bridge
You told me we'd be one forever
I hope you didn't lie
So here it is, my last endeavor
It's time to make things right Great! Fantastic bridge
This pain ends here tonight This line is a bit of a downer...but depending on how its sung, it may also be really good

Chorus
Because I can't forget you and how you left me so soon
We can never go back, we can never go back
You left me alone in a meaningless world
We can never go back, I want to go back
I want to go back
I want to go back Sweet.

Overall, well done on pulling off sensitivity. You did it well, and you've got a good song here. A good title to it too, and the imagery you wove in was impressive and inspirational.

[islamicbob5342]

Thanks a lot man. It's funny you should say "live it" instead of "live life" because I keep ging in between the two and also "live mine". It's a small desicion but a tough one. And that "mock me" line- trust me it flows really well and it is probably my favorite line I've ever written. But thanks for the good crit and the line suggestion :thumb:

[islamicbob5342]

Hmmm, something very similar and based on your suggestion...and in your place I feel eternal pain. Would that be better than what I have?

[bowl of oranges]

This isn't too bad. There isn't anything that is glaringly wrong. The only thing i think it lacks is a little vivid imagery to accompany how straightfoward it is. If you could intertwine a little imagery it could make this peice alot better.

For the parts in red.

I don't want to live it without you
I think that works better.

and how you left me so soon
I don't like the "so soon" on the end. Try and rework that.

My friend is gone, my rock is gone, I lost a part of me when you went away
Similarly i don't like the "my rock is gone" in this bit. Find something else to go there.

As i said this has potential, reminds me a little of a taking back sunday or brand new song, which is a compliment of sorts. Anyway keep writing it's the only way to get better.

Thanks for your crit on my peice.

[islamicbob5342]

Thanks man. I love Brand New so that is a definite compliment. :thumb:

[islamicbob5342]

I got rid of the red parts (and changed the chorus a little bit) because I'm ready to try to record it (with Windows Movie Maker and a microphone I ordered off a cereal box) and I think those lines are good enough for now. If I can manage a decent recording and figure out how to get it online I will put it up here. By the way I critted a lot of people (quality crits too) and some do still owe me a crit.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

Verse 1
The colors in the sky they dont feel half as vibrant as they did before- before
Like the colors in your eyes reminding me of what I won't see anymore- anymore
Now that you're gone I'm holding on to memories of times I spent with you- with you
A new day dawns and life goes on but I don't want to live it without you- I need you

kinda sappy, but hey, its good sap lol
im a little puzzled about the flowing of the song,
im tryng to envision a melody with it, but because of the long lines i can't really but, hey thats your problem...
everything seems to go right except the last line
tad cliche, but songs are allowed to be cliche i suppose

Chorus
Because I can't forget you, how could you leave me so soon
We can never go back, we can never go back
You left me alone in a meaningless world
We can never go back, we can never go back
you might have a catchy chorus but i suggest getting the third line to rhyme with the first...


Verse 2
The pictures on my wall they don't do justice to the person I once knew- once knew
They watch me wait here for your call so they can mock me when that call never comes through- never comes through
The days are long, the nights drag on, and Sunday mornings will never be the same- the same
My friend is gone, my rock is gone, I lost a part of me when you went away- just one more day

this is a strong verse, but it needs to structured a little bit better
the verse can hold all the meat in it
you have great lines though


Bridge
You told me we'd be one forever
I hope you didn't lie
So here it is, my last endeavor
It's time to make things right
This pain ends here tonight
not bad...
its a tad bit of a filler, you have to have a nice break to make this work
but its pretty good


needs work but i believe you got ther verses pretty much down pack...
the chorus needs work and the bridge
but so far its pretty solid
im looking forward to hearing it
good job

[islamicbob5342]

Thanks a lot. I recorded it and I'm going to put it up on purevolume in a couple days. It's really rough and surprisingly long but even though it needs work I think it's pretty decent for a first draft. And the roughness kind of works within the song. Just wish I'd hit a few notes better. :thumb:

[Electric Riley]

Colors In The Sky

Verse 1
The colors in the sky they dont feel half as vibrant as they did before- before
Like the colors in your eyes reminding me of what I won't see anymore- anymore
Now that you're gone I'm holding on to memories of times I spent with you- with you
A new day dawns and life goes on but I don't want to live it without you- I need you

I like the repetition. It sings to me. I don't like the rhymes much. You rhyme you with you too much for my liking. It flows well, but its a bit wordy

Chorus
Because I can't forget you, how could you leave me so soon
We can never go back, we can never go back
You left me alone in a meaningless world
We can never go back, we can never go back

This is cliché. I don't like the repetition and I don't like the 3rd line. The metaphor is stupid. Okay, its not that bad, but it could use alot of work.

Verse 2
The pictures on my wall they don't do justice to the person I once knew- once knew
They watch me wait here for your call so they can mock me when that call never comes through- never comes through
The days are long, the nights drag on, and Sunday mornings will never be the same- the same
My friend is gone, my rock is gone, I lost a part of me when you went away- just one more day
This is awesome. How come your chorus is so crap, but this is so sweet and beautiful? I love it all.

Bridge
You told me we'd be one forever
I hope you didn't lie
So here it is, my last endeavor
It's time to make things right
This pain ends here tonight

This is alright. Sort of. It could just finish here. It would make a good ending.

Overall: Sorry about the extremely late crit. This is good, keep it up. The chorus needs work though. Verses: 9/10 Chorus: 5/10 Bridge: 7/10

Thanks for critting my... old... one.