We Promise, It’s All For the Thrill

[factor46]

I know some of you didn't like my last piece. Maybe I'll redeem myself with this one. Please crit. :D


We Promise, It’s All For the Thrill

Pretend you’re a tree, sway your branches.
Now listen to the wind, she’ll give you advice, she will.
But don’t get your hopes up if you were wishing for betrayal,
Anything she says is pure, everything revealed is genuine.
Give it up.
You know she heard us.
Who is there left to fool?
She is gone, and I certainly don’t know a thing.
I’m immensely sorry.
There’s nothing left of you but skin, you’re in need of repair,
And on that note, I bid you farewell.

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Okay, the word immensely doesnt work in this piece at all. The third line doesnt really make any sense as well as the 2nd to last. Some good imager though. 5/10

Heres mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=366455

[Leaves]

Dangit....I don't get it. I know you're a good writer so it should be safe to assume it's not just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Unfortunately I can't find the meaning.

As far as how it's put together, I like it. I like the words, the phrases. It's interesting, if impenetrable.

[Muggsy]

its pretty good 5/10 plz crit mine. mine is http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367307

[factor46]

Thanks Leaves. As for you other guys....you can't just leave a sentence and expect me to be completely appreciative and crit back. "It's pretty good 5/10" What kind of help did that give me? None. Sorry for being harsh or whatever, but that's how it is.

Btw, "immensely" works perfectly fine in this piece. That was one of my favorite lines in fact. And just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean it doesn't make sense. :thumb:

[Sloth]

"it's pretty good, 5/10" haha

sometimes you have a really good idea and a great piece, but they're too short. This feels like one of those.. I don't know if this is one for the band, but it would good to add another stanza to expand and put more meaning to the story.
But I like how this piece moves along.. nice job as usual :thumb:

[factor46]

Thanks man. I would add more to it, but it's good with the music that the band put to it as of now. :D


Anymore?

[emo=elmow/otheL]

Hmm...Well I dont see how it would fit into a song, but its pretty cool. This would definitely be one to sit around and ponder. It reminds me of Tool not because of style but because it almost seems nonsensical. Very nice. 8/10 :)

Have you read my other two songs?

[factor46]

Yes, I have read one of them. It was okay, not as original as the other. Thanks for the crit. :D

[rudie]

i really liked this alot.
but i think it would need a chours and maybe another verse but thats not essitnal.
maybe shorten the lines a little too

[factor46]

what would be the chorus and verses are all included in the piece. i purposely dont separate them because of the guitar styles put to the song. it's kinda hard to explain, so i won't try. plus, in my opinion, when read, the flow of the song is better when it's structured this way. thanks for the crit. :D

[PunkSkater163]

Hey, uhhm I am sure you are a good writer...but to be honest... I thought this one peice was really bad. I have absolutely no idea what you were talking about, or why thier was tree, and who the tree wanted to be betrayed bye. And a lot of times it doesnt have to ryhme, but this had almost no rythem, and made no sense. I thought it was reaaly pointless.
Sorry man, please don't get mad. Keep trying, this is all only my opinion.
(thier is absolutely no reason to put in the word immensley, it makes it sound worse.)

I can't think of much good to say, but for my suggestions, I would just say to put some more rythem or ryme in it, and make what you are speaking about a little more obious. like i have no idea what your point was, all I knew was you were useing similes for yourself or some one with a tree....thats it. i dont even know why.

[factor46]

Alright, your input is appreciated, but to be honest, your opinion isn't. Who are you to call my piece of work pointless? And how are you to know if there was no rhythm? You can't even spell rhythm. You've never heard the song, so there's no way you could have heard the music that it goes to, to determine whether it has rhythm or not. And also, I NEVER rhyme in my songs. It's just not something I do. My lyrics are imagery & metaphorically-driven and don't need rhyme. Read lyrics from Norma Jean and then listen to their music instead of whatever punk crap you let run through your ears. Then you'll know what I'm talking about. You can't tell me not to get mad when your criticizing my work and you don't even know what you're talking about. Just because you don't understand my work, doesn't mean its "really bad". Think outside of the box. Once again, I appreciate your input, and I thank you for reading my song, but maybe next time you should think before you criticize. :thumb:

[Sloth]

Punk - Have you ever taken ANY poetry/writing/literature classes? Ever?
If you have, you'd learn how to interpret songs/poems/short-stories/imagery/metaphor/etc ... even if you haven't taken classes like that, you SHOULD be able to see and appreciate imagery and metaphor. You should be able to think.
By what you said, adding such limitations as rhyme, rhythm, etc... you do severe damage to creativity possibilties. Basically, you're telling Factor to be unoriginal. "Don't try to be different. Just write how everyone else does. Don't be creative, that's taking a risk you don't want to take."
Think through some things before you say them

[factor46]

Well alright, I got some help. Thanks Sloth. :D