"The Rarity", Crit For Crit

[Bub]

Hey all! Thanks for looking. This is my first song for a couple of months now.
Its a song about love, but not in a conventional way...really...
Nor is it in a way saying "love sucks" or anything like that...whatever, I'll stop talking now.

---The Rarity---

(verse a)
On the brightest of days
when an eclipse has less to say
you'll find meee, speaking so true,
behind the moon, thats hiding you

(verse b)
But when it begins its stay
(one or two too few)
Oh I can't stay awaaaay

(chorus)
Like the desert rose can live at sea
The evening star wont rise for me
Can you tell me why, we have to fly,
At the call of the rarity

(verse a2)
When the clouds part and darken,
with no sun to brighten the holes,
they'll be ripped apart by lightning,
But soon you'll be with me, by the poles

And it'll be okaaaaay

(verse b2)
But when it starts to raaiin
(three or four less more)
I know here you'll remaaiin

<Chorus>

(bridge)
Cos what if I have dampened wings,
So what if they wont rise,
But if you think you're seeing things
Why am I not surprised
And come the time your phantom's out
With the cunning to chastise
Well then you KNOW you'll see in vain
I'll bow and lend my eyes

Call it animal instinct, second nature
But its in my sixth sense,
Word from God - but I'm no preacher
Sure as its intense

<Chorus>
-------------

Voila. Remember, crit for crit, tell me whatever you feel about this knowing I'll take no offence, but critiscism. Just leave a link to your own song and I'll give it just as much effort as you give me.
Thanks!

[Riding The Short Bus]

Ok, first thing. I am doing this as I read the song, so far I have only read the first verse. And I think you should start out Just talking this verse. and maybe have music come in really quiet getting slightly louder.

I like the chorus. Only thing I would maybe change about the chorus MAYBE
would be make:

"Can you tell me why, we have to fly,"
into two lines, seems like it flows better with the last line of the chorus. But that also depends on the music, It might be fine the way it is.

now with verse b2 I like how verse b and b2 fit the same thing, 2 lines with () between. Now I assume () = background singer, but what I think would be cool is if () was a second singer who sang his line while raiin was being drug out.

I think all my suggestions were about how to preform it and not about the lyrics. I think the lyrics are awesome. Again a simple ryhme patteren AABB but
they don't feel forced, so I say go with it. My compliments.

Mine is: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

[Bub]

Only thing I would maybe change about the chorus MAYBE would be make:
"Can you tell me why, we have to fly,"
into two lines, seems like it flows better with the last line of the chorus.

Its sang like that anyway really :)

what I think would be cool is if () was a second singer who sang his line while raiin was being drug out..

I thought about that yeah and I agree with you...I think we'll come to deciding that when putting music to it.

Thanks for your comments! I've critted yours :)

[lilwing89]

nice flow. i think its good
but no crit for me, im just getting ideas for a love song i want to write.

[Daystar]

look, dearie, it's too surreal or I'm too concrete ( and I'm a surrealist painter) and the sounds of nature are very nice, and all, but it needs to make sense, like 'it's all so clear and natural that we should always be like stars' or something.

-Day-*
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=362022

[Music.is.Life]

Its really refreshing for me to for once not hear a love song that's not about how love sucks. Your choice of words, metaphors, symbolism, etc gives your song a more "sophisticated" sound, if you know what I mean. It's not the same dribble of "Oh no she left me", it's much more artistic and I love it. If you get a full recording I'd love to hear it.

Here's mine if you want to do it:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8558583#post8558583

[Bub]

lilwing - thanks, i guess
daystar - thanks for the advice but save it
Master - thanks :D thats what I aim to do cos I'm just as tired as you are of the old "why did you leave" "make the pain go away" whining crap. :)

So no-one has any suggestions? Its hard to believe this is the best I can make it after the first draft, please be critical in your posts :)

[Music.is.Life]

lilwing - thanks, i guess
daystar - thanks for the advice but save it
Master - thanks :D thats what I aim to do cos I'm just as tired as you are of the old "why did you leave" "make the pain go away" whining crap. :)

So no-one has any suggestions? Its hard to believe this is the best I can make it after the first draft, please be critical in your posts :)

From just reading it I can't find anything I would change, but I'm sure I could find a few things if I could hear a recording. I think it's perfect the way it is, the only thing left to do is tweak the music and how it's performed.

Could you please critique mine? The link is in my above post.

[HorrorBusiness78]

---The Rarity---

(verse a)
On the brightest of days
when an eclipse has less to say very good intro lines
you'll find meee, speaking so true,
behind the moon, thats hiding you great verse on whole

(verse b)
But when it begins its stay
(one or two too few)
Oh I can't stay awaaaay dont have any real complaints on this part

(chorus)
Like the desert rose can live at sea
The evening star wont rise for me
Can you tell me why, we have to fly,
At the call of the rarity i really like this chorus it flows perfectly

(verse a2)
When the clouds part and darken,
with no sun to brighten the holes, when singing it seems awkward going into this line from the first
they'll be ripped apart by lightning, same thing
But soon you'll be with me, by the poles
And it'll be okaaaaay to me this whole verse didnt seem to flow right

(verse b2)
But when it starts to raaiin
(three or four less more)
I know here you'll remaaiin nothing wrong here

<Chorus>

(bridge)
Cos what if I have dampened wings,
So what if they wont rise,
But if you think you're seeing things
Why am I not surprised
And come the time your phantom's out
With the cunning to chastise
Well then you KNOW you'll see in vain
I'll bow and lend my eyes

Call it animal instinct, second nature
But its in my sixth sense,
Word from God - but I'm no preacher
Sure as its intense great bridge no problems i see here either.

now this is a very well written song the first verse, chorus, and bridge are fine how they are. Now the second verse doesnt seem to flow when i read it, you can make the choice whether or not you want to change it or not but thats just my feeling. Still that was an awesome song overall considering i could only find one thing wrong which may just be me anyway. good job

[PunkyMcEmo]

On the brightest of days
when an eclipse has less to say
you'll find meee, speaking so true,
behind the moon, thats hiding you
i like how youre not getting all cryptic. its short, sweet, to the point, its got imagery and it makes sense

But when it begins its stay
(one or two too few)
Oh I can't stay awaaaay
pretty sweet. i dont like the rhyme THAT much, but it gets the job and done, and who knows, with good music, thsi could be kick butt

Like the desert rose can live at sea
The evening star wont rise for me
Can you tell me why, we have to fly,
At the call of the rarity
... i dont get it.... maybe im not smart, but i cant see what youre getting at.

When the clouds part and darken,
with no sun to brighten the holes,
they'll be ripped apart by lightning,
But soon you'll be with me, by the poles
awesome, but by the poles doesnt sound good. id definitely change the last line, but not the other 3. they sound good

And it'll be okaaaaay
nice

But when it starts to raaiin
(three or four less more)
I know here you'll remaaiin

<Chorus>


Cos what if I have dampened wings,
So what if they wont rise,
But if you think you're seeing things
Why am I not surprised
And come the time your phantom's out
With the cunning to chastise
Well then you KNOW you'll see in vain
I'll bow and lend my eyes
i think this is the coolest part. haha its sweet. maybe work on making it a little more like youre speaking. choruses, ive noticed, always sound better when they sound like you could speak them

Call it animal instinct, second nature
But its in my sixth sense,
Word from God - but I'm no preacher
Sure as its intense
i dont get this really, but it sounds cool. haha
over all not bad, but a little confusing 6.5/10. if you make it clear, itd get a 7.5 or 8. good job

[Muggsy]

I's really good and uplifting. Its makes me think about love and that's what you wantred right? 7/10 mine is: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=367307

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

On the brightest of days
when an eclipse has less to say
you'll find meee, speaking so true,
behind the moon, thats hiding you

--This whole me/you thing is very childish way to open the song. Well not that this verse made any sense to begin with. I can't even try and fathom the logic behind an eclipse when it's bright outside and someone can hide when you are in the same place as them (behind the moon, you know you said that didn't you?). It's unbelievably incohierent, and your rhyme leaves much to be desired.

But when it begins its stay
(one or two too few)
Oh I can't stay awaaaay

--The moon? Totally disconnected thoughts made this verse.

(chorus)
Like the desert rose can live at sea
The evening star wont rise for me
Can you tell me why, we have to fly,
At the call of the rarity

--You obviously just write down lines in your spare time and when you go to put together a song, you take ones that rhyme and construct them into stanza that make NO sense. Really, you'd have to completely **** something's meaning up for me not to get it, but you manage to do just that... ten fold. I see no connection of the imagery or the meaning, just random lines that aren't even that powerful on their own. For example, why would a desert rose be in the sea, and how does it have any connection to stars APPEARING (they don't rise, because during the daytime you just cant see their light; the sun blocks it out.)

When the clouds part and darken,
with no sun to brighten the holes,
they'll be ripped apart by lightning,
But soon you'll be with me, by the poles

--When clouds part, it usually means that it's going to get lighter out, and there will be no storm. At least this verse tried to connect your total lack of logical ideas.

And it'll be okaaaaay

--No, no it wont.

(verse b2)
But when it starts to raaiin
(three or four less more)
I know here you'll remaaiin

--...... I'm sorry but this is very lame.

<Chorus>

(bridge)
Cos what if I have dampened wings,
So what if they wont rise,
But if you think you're seeing things
Why am I not surprised
And come the time your phantom's out
With the cunning to chastise
Well then you KNOW you'll see in vain
I'll bow and lend my eyes

Call it animal instinct, second nature
But its in my sixth sense,
Word from God - but I'm no preacher
Sure as its intense

--Suddenly your song includes angels and God. Why mix in religious ideas when your song has nothing to do with it?

<Chorus>
-------------

Okay, to be honest, this was awful. To be nice, I can't. Your imagery and ideas lack any common sense whatsoever, while still attempting to make intelligent and witty verses (which don't go so well for you). You shift focus, and I never really think you had any idea what your central theme was. Since people on these forums seem to be more obsessed with number scores than actually criticism...

1/10

[Bub]

I admit I love to play on different meanings, and a lot of these meanings are personal to me and me alone, (like the inclusion of God, but there's no angels, Dampened Wings is another of my songs and the theme is very closely tied in to this)
Its unfortunate you didn't understand, but you've made me realise I shouldn't have expected you to, after reading through
I could try and assure you that I am well aware that the metaphors don't always appear to make sense and follow reason, but they do. Uh for example, "like the desert rose can live at sea", thats an example from nature - the desert rose is also found underwater, but was named before this was discovered - and its a metaphor to say things aren't as they appear.

Anyway, I'm not gonna carry on because it'll seem like I don't appreciate you not agreeing with what I've said
Thanks for your critiscism :) I'll keep in mind to write a bit more concretely in future
Kudos for being harsh

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

What I've found, is if you go beyond one concrete meaning and one underlying meaning, your song becomes a mess of scattered ideas. When I write, my lines all center around the idea that I'm trying to get across, and it's never only personal to me. Like if I were to tell you that my last song you critiqued that you didn't quite follow was about an avalanche, you'd have gotten all my lines right away. I just don't think being overly blunt when you have so many meanings was the best choice to go about writing this particular lyric.

[Bub]

Yeah I guess you're right about that. It was one of those I had to say a few things in...it may even be one I end up chucking (or not turn into a song anyway, cos I can't see it being "metal enough" :p )
Thanks