Hey Hey! crits here!

[jade858907]

Ok before you tear this up, let me explain the situation behind this so it kinda makes sense. This song or what ever you may wish to call it, is based on all the **** people go through day after day with dumb *** people that talk **** and are full of ****. this is a moto that i've lived by most of my life it may not be right or what ever but this song is 'live for your self and **** the rest'


The words of the world
Chiming in my defenseless mind
live for your self and **** the rest
Such words to live by?

I told you i live for myself
i need no one
i need no man
Does this hurt you?

After you told me those three empty words
Did you expect me to bow?
After you shed those few tears
did you expect me to change?

live for your self, **** the rest>x2

i bow for no one
i live for my self
i change for no one
**** the rest

those empty words you say
mean **** to me
i am not yours to keep
no one owns me



so this is it, not so much a good one, i know, it needs some help so if you could, or if its just unhelpable lol, thanks guys ~jade :D

[Riding The Short Bus]

Heh, I started living by that motto a couple years ago.
I don't really see all that much that should be changed, but you seem to want to see how someone else would do it so here it goes.

I would save all the "**** the rest" for the chorus and then make a specific chorus. I can't think of anything right now. Actually you should just use

i bow for no one
i live for my self
i change for no one
**** the rest

as the chorus. and maybe make the verses a little longer, not nesecerily more lines, but maybe longer ones, this also depends on the music.

I would also change the lines that are questions. The first one fits in and flows fine.

I told you i live for myself
i need no one
i need no man
Does this hurt you?

but that one seems to not flow, although with the right music you could probably make it work, but I would think just changing it would work best.

I think the tittle should be "motto" And I really like the message, and this could really be a good song, and I think it is already pretty good the way it was, but maybe think about a few changes.

It'd be cool if you Crit one of mine, although I remeber you already have, but this is a different one.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

leave me a link if you want me to crit any others.