Song in Progress-Same old story

[Shadowhawk109]

Hey all

This is the same theme I've put in a couple of songs I've written: love lost, and the question of being better without said love or not.
If you don't like the theme, please do not post.
Any rewriting would be greatly apreciated. TEAR THIS THING APART, PLEASE!!
Anyways, here goes-I only have 1 full verse and the chorus done, but I am also working on the score. The second verse is missing 4 lines, and I am not sure if it needs a third verse.

ALRIGHTY ALL: I had written this song a while ago and had hoped to have yall fix it up, but responses are slow so I did that. Heres the new version-the numbers are the number of sylables per line-a star means that the line has to be edited. Blank lines allow for new phrases and edits. Also, a LOT of words were changed. THIS IS A MAJOR THING: I NEED MUSIC!!! Can someone write some Vocal note-I suck with that part...use guitar notes plz-that I can understand and translate. Something like Astring5thfret and then the number of beats to hold it as well as a tempo would help me IMMENSLY and thus would be repaid.


MY HEART'S BROKEN DREAM

INTRO

VERSE ONE
Reminiscing of my future 8
Searching through my past 5
Following the winds sweet lure 8
Wanting this dream to last *
Now I see that when around you 8
I sold myself shy 5
I was creating weaknesses 8
That I can’t deny 5
My new realities crashed dream 8
Created more pain 5
Insanities only requiem 8
Found in my hearts stain 5

CHORUS
Lightning rips me apart 6
Thunder sounds its dark roll 6
Rain now comes crashing down 6
Tearing apart my soul 6
Storms in my broken heart 6
Leaves me in pain to drown 6
Ever since I’ve let you go 6
I have let myself down. 6

LEAD

VERSE TWO
The depression deep in my skin 8
Creates new tears to cry 5
__________________________ 8
Pain I can’t deny 5
The storms that now rage outside 8
Matches storms in my heart 5
The pain forever held inside 8
Rips my life apart 5
As the tears trickle down my face 8
Tears open up my soul 5
Infinity’s sweet illusion 8
Now becomes my own 5
_________________________ 8
_________________________ 5

CHORUS X2
OUTRO



Crits will also be returned, but not as enthusiasticly. I really just need rewriting.


THNKS ALL!!
Shadowhawk

[Riding The Short Bus]

Wow, I thought that was pretty good. Honestly I don't know if I could take that and rewrite it. I tend to write simpler stuff, and nothing that really has to be thought about. But I thought it was really good, same with the chorus.

You no have to crit mine if you don't want, it's cool. but it's http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

[Shadowhawk109]

Wow, I thought that was pretty good. Honestly I don't know if I could take that and rewrite it. I tend to write simpler stuff, and nothing that really has to be thought about. But I thought it was really good, same with the chorus.

You no have to crit mine if you don't want, it's cool. but it's http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

I crited yours....it was pretty good. But this honestly needs rewriting...Ill never be able to sing this at this rate

[VUbaru]

The first verse is a little long. The way that you have divided the lines gives you a lot to say in a shorter amount of time. Perhaps you might want to condense things a little to make your point more sharp and concise.

Another reason you might have a hard time singing this is because the syllable count per line is random. If you equalize things out a bit and distribute the syllables more evenly, your song will flow a little better. In order to improve the flow even more, think about the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in each line. They don't have to match up exactly; just sound good.

The rhyme scheme in the first verse is very confusing. ABABCCDCECF...etc. Perhaps it will sound better set to music. Regardless, some of the rhymes are very forced and not very good-- see "Pain/dark heart's stain," I really don't think that's a good ending to the verse at all.

The chorus is allright and gets your point across. You're still forcing rhymes here but I guess the couplets serve their purpose. I would really work on making things flow a little bit better...lines like "shrouded in doubt" tend to stick out (rhyme not intended, lol) and detract from the overall smoothness of your piece.

The second verse should be rewritten entirely. The wording is awkward ("depression seeping through my skin") and a little on the contrived side. I would find another theme to pursue in your writing and start it in your second verse.

The overall subject matter is very common. As I've said before in other crits, that doesn't matter as long as you have something new to say or an interesting way to say it. There is nothing new under the sun, but everyday we marvel at the mysterious or unknown.

[kiros_music]

That was cool, good flow. I liked the chorus I think there's like a line or two that you need to fix but it's realy good. 9/10

[Popeye]

I really liked it, there are definately a few lines you need to tweak but other than that, I would like to see the finished product.

[Shadowhawk109]

That was cool, good flow. I liked the chorus I think there's like a line or two that you need to fix but it's realy good. 9/10

What lines?

I really liked it, there are definately a few lines you need to tweak but other than that, I would like to see the finished product.

What lines?

The first verse is a little long. The way that you have divided the lines gives you a lot to say in a shorter amount of time. Perhaps you might want to condense things a little to make your point more sharp and concise.

Another reason you might have a hard time singing this is because the syllable count per line is random. If you equalize things out a bit and distribute the syllables more evenly, your song will flow a little better. In order to improve the flow even more, think about the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in each line. They don't have to match up exactly; just sound good.

The rhyme scheme in the first verse is very confusing. ABABCCDCECF...etc. Perhaps it will sound better set to music. Regardless, some of the rhymes are very forced and not very good-- see "Pain/dark heart's stain," I really don't think that's a good ending to the verse at all.

The chorus is allright and gets your point across. You're still forcing rhymes here but I guess the couplets serve their purpose. I would really work on making things flow a little bit better...lines like "shrouded in doubt" tend to stick out (rhyme not intended, lol) and detract from the overall smoothness of your piece.

The second verse should be rewritten entirely. The wording is awkward ("depression seeping through my skin") and a little on the contrived side. I would find another theme to pursue in your writing and start it in your second verse.

The overall subject matter is very common. As I've said before in other crits, that doesn't matter as long as you have something new to say or an interesting way to say it. There is nothing new under the sun, but everyday we marvel at the mysterious or unknown.

I fixed it up---I know it's not new but i love writing about this so whatever.


Any otehr comments? Again, I need music for vocal....i can write guitar fine but vocal is my weak point :upset: . Also, the lines are blnk so that YOU PEOPLE can write new stuff.

THx all
Shadowhawk

[Shadowhawk109]

bumpity-bump

[Shadowhawk109]

bumpity-bump again

[Shadowhawk109]

again and again