Secure an Identity

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
7/6/05

Secure an Identity

Down an alley,
The hidden crevice,
And I'm anything but a device,
I'm nothing without a trite piece of paper that says I'm alive,
And you took it.
A blindsided but brilliant snatch.
Yeah, I love some slight of hand.
Indecisive you can see how I pace the room,
You mock my footsteps,
And I am nothing but moving out.
Shackled binded spindles of legs,
Catatonic.
I bit off my tongue to taste fear.
The inability to express thought in speech,
Just a touch of mute,
To know what it's like to be disabled.
A lack of identification is my disability,
But it's only temporary,
And this is for good.
It was the parting of the clouds that finally revealed darkness for what it is,
A hallow vacuum,
A pit of light.
Now I'm reading through page after page,
A director's cut of the script.
Unabridged, we seem to have misplaced the final scene.
Incomplete and bittersweet.
It's not a sharp knife you need,
But a letter opener.
I've enclosed your ransom and dropped it off on the pier,
Just like you told me.
I followed your instructions to the very last scratch of the red ink you used to break into security.
Now return to me that which I have been stripped of:
Identity,
And a face,
That you now own.

[jade858907]

Ben Stivers
7/6/05

Secure an Identity

Down an alley,
The hidden crevice,
And I'm anything but a device,
I'm nothing without a trite piece of paper that says I'm alive,
And you took it.
A blindsided but brilliant snatch.
Yeah, I love some slight of hand.
Indecisive you can see how I pace the room,
You mock my footsteps,
And I am nothing but moving out.
Shackled binded spindles of legs,
Catatonic.
I bit off my tongue to taste fear.
The inability to express thought in speech,
Just a touch of mute,
To know what it's like to be disabled.
A lack of identification is my disability,
But it's only temporary,
And this is for good.
It was the parting of the clouds that finally revealed darkness for what it is,
A hallow vacuum,
A pit of light.
Now I'm reading through page after page,
A director's cut of the script.
Unabridged, we seem to have misplaced the final scene.
Incomplete and bittersweet.
It's not a sharp knife you need,
But a letter opener.
I've enclosed your ransom and dropped it off on the pier,
Just like you told me.
I followed your instructions to the very last scratch of the red ink you used to break into security.
Now return to me that which I have been stripped of:
Identity,
And a face,
That you now own.


well, this is good, ive read over it two or three times, and i cant see any flaws that catch my eye. it keeps my attention, i love the line "i bit off my toung to taste fear". i swear one day im going to read one of your works and find something wrong! lol , love ~ jade

[Riding The Short Bus]

I don't think I would know how to sing with this is, although it seems to flow alright. I didn't see a chorus, and this is I think the first song I've ever read or heard without one. If I were writting it I woulda changed it a little and add a chorus into it, cause I tend to like songs with a chorus, but if you don't want one and this song sounds with music and no chorus than good work.

you can crit mine if you want. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

[VUbaru]

What is this, a stream-of-consciousness free verse poem? A monologue to go over an instrumental? Some context would be nice.

I assume that the "crevice/device" pseudorhyme wasn't intentional; in which case, I would remove it because it sounds awkward.

The images and language are wonderful. However, the way you separate the lines into fragments mars what would otherwise be a near-perfect piece. Where is the flow? Why not separate lines and add spaces in order to increase readability, if this is a poem?