Fade Please Crit

[WaNt2rOcK!]

Fade

why is she so hard on herself?
her pain doubles within me
it hurts to see her
in this state of being

torturous love is what it is
but i'm prepared for it
i know she'd do the same
this is driving me insane
even as i'm sitting here
in my room thinkin' of her
the embers still smoulder
from that blazing Fire


Even as these feelings fade
i dont want it to end
why was i dragged
into this mess?
it's only a heartbreak and a half
but the scars are many
what's one more on the rack?
who know's maybe i'll make it?
who knows? maybe she'll take it?

[mikethecoug]

Right well, hope you don't mind me saying this but I really didn't like the way this was flowing, it really didn't work. The rhyming was forced and the other parts just didn't work at all.


torturous love is what it is
but i'm prepared for it
i know she'd do the same
this is driving me insane
even as i'm sitting here
in my room thinkin' of her
the embers still smoulder
from that blazing Fire

These two lines seem very forced which I really don't like. I think you should consider rewriting alot of this song, hope I've helped.

5/10

Please crit my song. "My Insignigicance".
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361758