My Insignificance

[mikethecoug]

Intro
The way you treat me is killing me inside
The days come back of when I tried
I waited for you, with some flowers
And you left me there for hours and hours

Chorus
And you walk past me like i'm not there
I reach my hand out into thin air
The things I said, yes they were true
How can I mean so little to you

Verse One
I hear you laugh every time I fall
Your dirty looks just say it all
What can I do to make you see
That you mean the world to me

[chorus]

Verse Two
Nobody cares now, I'm all alone
Im uncared for, i'm on my own
[instruments for 5-10 secs]
You cheat, you lie you made me cry..
And all I can do to stop this is to do the same to you.. <echo>

[chorus]

Interlude/Bridge
But you cheat, you lie, you made me cry..
[intruments for 5 secs]
Together we stay here, together we lie
[intrsuments for 5 secs]

[chorus]

[mikethecoug]

Bump :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Forgive me for seeming rude, but you bumped a song that was like 5 down on the list. It's only been a half hour and patience is a virtue.

[mikethecoug]

Yeah I know it's just i've been critting alot of other songs and I'd really like to get a crit on my song and see what people think.

[VUbaru]

Subject material aside, I think that this song may have some potential. While there are no original images or language, I think that some of the lines are catchy and "sing-able." Some points:

1) AABB rhyme scheme is fairly simplistic. I guess it works in this case, but in several lines the rhymes seem forced and out of place. See the second verse with "Alone/own."

2) Repetition of the verb "cares" and "uncared for" makes the second verse look awkward. Overall, the second verse is the weaker of the two and could use a complete rewrite.

3) The repetition of "lie" in the bridge seems a little awkward. If you meant to have that double-meaning, kudos to you. I'm just not a fan.

4) Overall, the piece lacks anything particularly new or original. Even the most contrived love song/break up song can be redeemed to some degree in my eyes if it offers me something I haven't seen before. A new image, idea, or "take" on the subject of love and loss would really spice things up in my opinion.

[jade858907]

well, im some what of an amature so you can over look what ive got to say if you wish. but in my eyes it lacks a lot. ive been crited by a perfect sonnet and a few other really good guys here and ive learned a lot. and wording is important. the rhyming dont focus on it, it is not important. and even in verse two the last two lines do not rhyme "cry" and "you". sorry. it could be very good, but this is my opinion and i could be very much so wrong. lol , ~jade :D

[Riding The Short Bus]

Pretty much most of what I have got to say is what everyone has said on here already. The rhyming aabb (I know what that means now :lol:)

The chorus is pretty good, but for some reason I would change it to

You walk past me, I'm not there
Reach my hand out to thin air

it seems like it flows a little better to me, but that is probably just the way I am sining it which may or may not be the same as you. Don't get me wrong I liked it, and for some reason I like the chorus alot too.

You can crit mine if you want (i've done four so far, and this one is already on the second page) http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

[mikethecoug]

Bump?