Living Under My Stone

[MindlessPickle]

Ok, I'm not a skilled Songwriter thats why I really could need som constructive criticism.

Living Under My Stone

Verse 1

I am gone
I am gone
Off to where I belong

I'm an Irish junkey
Among Scotish hunks
I've just never been a big fan of
haggis and guns

Chorus

Living under my stone
Just me
All alone

This world has way too many bones
I'm just so tired of bein' a mindless drone

Verse 2

I'm moving out
I'm moving out
of this world where Death's become a friend you can rely on

Living under my stone
Together with a senile ol' leprechaun
He might not be an innocent soul
But he wont kill you in your sleep for a bag of gold

Chorus

Living under my stone
Just me
All alone

This world has way too much bones
I'm so tired of bein' a mindless drone

Living under my stone
Just me
All alone


Naturally its crit 4 crit, although Im not that good (as you can see) with lyrics, Ill do my best :thumb:

[DazedMountainTop]

Some lines are too long and don't fit in with the rest of the poem/song...whichever it is. Other than that, it wasn't bad. Flow was nice...good job.

[MindlessPickle]

Yeah thanks for the comment, yeah the one about Death is too long but the rest of them fits in to the song pretty nicely... Id really appreciate some more. Cause it feels like Ive failed pretty much with this song, at least the lyrics. But I just dont know how to improve it I could really use some more comments. Be as harsh as you want just as long its constructive.

Thanks in advance :)

[MindlessPickle]

bump

[MindlessPickle]

bump

[MindlessPickle]

bump

EDIT: Oh, c'mon, I at least deserve more than one comment

[MindlessPickle]

geez...

[masada]

You need some patience.

[MindlessPickle]

Yeah, I probably do, but you know how it is...

By the way like your songs.

[do_dear_do_kill_me_do]

I'm an Irish junkey among
Scotish hunks
I've just never been a big fan of haggis and guns


hehe
just come back from Ireland

I do agree that some of the lines are a tad too long, but i like them. A bit short so ther isn't much to crit. Keep going though

This world is covered in bones,...
Don't see how this fits in though

[Popeye]

Some lines are way too long and others are completely out of line. Fix it, make it longer and I'll come back someday.

[MindlessPickle]

hehe
just come back from Ireland

I do agree that some of the lines are a tad too long, but i like them. A bit short so ther isn't much to crit. Keep going though


Don't see how this fits in though

What I was thinking of the imagery of death but yeah I guess I should ahve made that clearer.

Thanks a lot for all the comments, I'll fix it as soon as possible.

[MindlessPickle]

Uhm, made a few changes, I know it's not a good song but that's why I'm posting it here. A few other comments would be appreciated and if you want me to crit one of yours just post a link.

[do_dear_do_kill_me_do]

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=330444

not very promising would appreciate a crit tho
tha

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Though not prefect by any means, I like it. And if, in the melody of the song, a kinda balance is acheived between the long and short lines, its not bad. I like the "He might not be an innocent soul/But he wont kill you in your sleep for a bag of gold" part.

[Snak3]

IMO some lines dont fit to the flow. It has a very nice pase, but some long lines just dont fit in. I do like the way it is structured. imnot good at crit'in peoples work but still it should be longer.
plz check mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=372648

[VanitysNewGun]

i agree with what other people have said, some of it just doesn't quite fit the flow..but a little work here and there and this could be good :thumb: