Untitled song, please critique

[Music.is.Life]

This is a song me and a friend wrote for a gig the day before after our drummer and bass player dropped out. We had the music pretty much down, but we were running out of time for the lyrics. All the singer/other guitarist could do was write depressing lyrics, which I really don't like. So basically he said "I'll be right back, when I'm back I wanna see what you got for lyrics." So I just looked out his window and wrote about what I saw, and we took it from there.

We've already performed this song at an outdoor "festival" type thing (we had to cut it short to fit the time slot), went well and all, but I'm looking to see what people think of they lyrics. And what do you think it should be called?

Also, what do you think of the singer? I keep telling him to sing "happier" and varry his voice more, but then again what do I know? I don't think hes really that great, but he does. Sometimes he sings better than this recording, somethimes not.

Here's a recording: (Note: he stuffed up the lyrics some times), its an average take, but the only ne i have on my comp right now.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/9/bainer_music.htm
It's called "untitled again"



Lyrics:

Theres a song upon the air
there is music everywhere

Bees are buzzing in their hives
watch the woods come alive

See the song birds fly
hear their heartfelt cry

Theres a rustle in the trees
spirits playing on the breeeze

Chorus:

The sky so blue, the clouds so white
to me it just seems so right
(background)so right
Its so lonely without a friend,
this doesn't have to end

Mountain tall reaching high (he thought this line worked, I didn't)
touching the sky

Hear an echo in the night
as the lone wolf takes his flight

So many stars up so high
shining diamonds in the sky

Lookin up at the moon
where is the dish, and where is the spoon?

Chorus

This was my first shot at writing lyrics so I'm open to all intelligent opinions and advice.

[Riding The Short Bus]

Pretty good. The rhyming pattern is really simple and obvious, but that is only bad if the rhymes seemes forced and yours don't seem forced at all. I couldn't listen to it because the link didn't work, But I really liked the lyrics.

Mountain tall reaching high
touching the sky

now I am not sure why they are all the lines in twos, like I said I didn't get to hear the song but if I am right than that has something to do with how they sung. and I think with these lyrics, that way of singing would sound pretty cool. With that line up there you said you didn't think it worked. Now I myself didn't think it flowed as good as the others and maybe if you changed it to:

Mountain tall reaching high
touching up in the sky

and for a title I think I day of the week would be good.

it seems to flow a little better, at least to me.

Overall I thought the lyrics were great, and I would like to hear the music too, so let me know if you can get the link fixed or something.

Crit mine if you would like
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

[Music.is.Life]

Thanks,

Hmm, the link seems to be working? Try it again and if it doesn't work I'll upload it to yousendit. Also "I day of the week"? Did you mean 1 or a?

[Riding The Short Bus]

lol, yea did mean a day of the week. Like "Tuesday" or something like that. I don't know, seems like you are singing about a specific day, and seemed like it would be cool for a title. Yea the music works now. It sounded pretty good, I pictured a little bit faster but it works good at that speed. are there no drums at all or were there just none in this song? heh, I like the phone that rings. Good job, I like the song.

[Music.is.Life]

lol, yea did mean a day of the week. Like "Tuesday" or something like that. I don't know, seems like you are singing about a specific day, and seemed like it would be cool for a title. Yea the music works now. It sounded pretty good, I pictured a little bit faster but it works good at that speed. are there no drums at all or were there just none in this song? heh, I like the phone that rings. Good job, I like the song.

lol ya that was just us practising about 1 hour before the show(I wrote it that day too), recording ourselfs so we can see how it sounds. There weren't any drums becasue it was just an acoustic duo. Eventually I think we'll lengthen it slightly, and add some nice laidback drums to it.

I think the day of the week thing is cool, "Saturday" or "Scenes of (a) Saturday" or something like that.

What did you think of the singer?

BTW: Your song is amazing

[Riding The Short Bus]

I like "scenes of (a) saturday" with or without the "a" is up to you, I think it is a good title either way. I thought the singer was alright. I am not a good judge of singers at all, maybe sounded a little not quiet but maybe sing a little higher notes, although I gotta say on the "so right" for the background, that was sung perfect, for how I pictured that line. I thought it sounded good, I liked the guitar playing . heh, I guess if I woulda read at the top it said your drummer and bass left, guess I didn't ask if it was just you two. You guys have a band name?

hey I got three other songs up if you wanna check em out. You don't have to crit. them or anything, but if you want to that's cool. The first two are about suicide, one is emo one isn't, and the third is my attempt at a love song.

1. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361172

2. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361347

3. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361545

[Music.is.Life]

Ya, our band name is "Edge of Sanity". Our sound would be described as "NuMetal", but with more balls and solos. This song is the kind of music I'm getting more into now, and I'm thinking of launching a side project based around this kind of stuff with a some other guys me and the singer play with from time to time. I gotta write more lyrics though, I have at least 5 songs laying around that need lyrics. I can churn out guitar parts like nothing, but lyrics I actually have to sit down and think. The band/song/album would probably be called Scenes of a Saturday.

Actually I think I'm going to redo this one with an electic guitar, just for that real mellow, laidback tone and feel.

I read your other stuff and I gotta say, you're a pretty talented song writer.

[Music.is.Life]

bump

[Bub]

Hey :) Overall I think its a good shot at a happy song (something we need a lot more of in the world). The only bit that got me was "its so lonely without a friend"...its quite a sudden turn, especially after "it all seems so right". Maybe you should review what you're trying to say in the song, and have a look at that line again :) Good work and good luck in the future!

[Music.is.Life]

Hey :) Overall I think its a good shot at a happy song (something we need a lot more of in the world). The only bit that got me was "its so lonely without a friend"...its quite a sudden turn, especially after "it all seems so right". Maybe you should review what you're trying to say in the song, and have a look at that line again :) Good work and good luck in the future!

Yeah I thought that too. That's a line the singer came up with and he just said "It's awesome, I'm usuing it." I'll have to get it changed.