Rosewood

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
7/5/05

Rosewood

I painstakingly crafted you, my greatest design.
Every loving inch, burned out through my sweat.
For every splinter that graced my hands,
There were twenty more imbedded into your heart,

Twenty more lifted by my breath.

And I left you there to rot.
Rosewood, you are so delicate,
You feel so dry against my skin,
But Rosewood, you are mine.

After abandonment, do you feel closer to death?
It's so intriguing, how forgiving the soil can be.
Grasping your hand and pulling you out,
There were one hundred reasons why I should have let go.

My words are lost on chemistry.

And I left you there to rot.
Rosewood, you are so delicate,
You feel so dry against my skin,
But Rosewood, you are mine.

Torn between thorns and promises,
Goodbye.
Torn between thorns and promises,
Goodbye.

[BlindWriting]

There we go.

I liked everything a whole lot except for the second verse. Something about it, I don't know, just sort of felt like an interruption. Maybe it's just the wording.

But these:


Twenty more lifted by my breath.


My words are lost on chemistry.


Were perfect.

[jade858907]

i really like it! its good, good job keep them comeing ! thank for ur crits!! love ~jade

[Popeye]

there's not much to crit hre. It's great the way it is. One of the best so far. Great Job. :thumb:

[sopborste]

How cute... and cliche... and silly.

[DazedMountainTop]

Niiiice. Perfect the way it is.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

How cute... and cliche... and silly.

Not that I feel like arguing, but I fail to see you making great strides (if anything they are less than mine) in your songwriting either. You are basically a pot calling the kettle black.

[sopborste]

I just stated my opinion, if you cant take that. Dont post your songs here.
Atleast I dont write cute, silly cliche songs. Maybe some cliche but mostly not.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I've been around here much longer than you, and I am much more able to take this sort of idiotic criticism from people I respect. What I stated was I fail to see where you have any room to talk about songs being cliched when your writing is (by vast majority of opinion) worse than mine, and if anything more cliched also. Stop trying to throw around words that are trite and make you look like a little "hXc" kid who sits in his basement writing how cool he is on his arm all day. Describing things as cliche is the new cliche, and you are jumping right onto the bandwagon.

[sopborste]

Okey, first off. Im sick of these arrogant people like you using arguments like "Im better than you, now leave". You may think my songs are worse than yours and I may think the oppostite. Everyone has an opinion and they are not always the same.

And what does it matter if you have been here longer than I have? You dont earn respect, as many people think. You have respect from the beginning, but you sure can lose it. If you dont respect other people until you think they are worth it. You should reconsider.

Dont be such a whiny little kid about everything. I said your song was silly and cliche. Oh, dont forget cute. And you seem to be pissed off. Why? Take critism or dont post.

Edit: Oh, and about the bandwagon. I couldnt care less about a bandwagon.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Since English isn't your first language, I'll point out to you that I was questioning your grounds for calling my song silly and cliched when I've read most of yours and they are no better. The fact that you started an arguement out of it makes me think you have no idea what you are trying to express to me to begin with.
If you can't do anything but become defensive and angry over me questioning your anything but useful crit, you should probably look into some education (I hear it helps a lot). I've taken much harsher criticism, but it was from people who had reasons behind their arguements other than "I'M GRINDCORE AND YOUR SONG LOOKS SILLY CAUSE I LISTEN TO GRINDCORE."

You are also quite horrid at reading people's emotions. My reply was inquisitive, not whingy or angry. Is it due to the nature of the song that you'd assume my reply must have those two inflections in it? My "arrogance" is based on the opinion of the members here, not my own. I'm sure most would agree your songs lack direction, articulation, or any form of intelligence whatsoever. Don't come into someone's thread if you are going to make such a blatanly moronic statement, then keep using it because you can't think of any other reason why the song was bad. You should probably check into the pit now, there are a lot of your kind down there.

[sopborste]

My kind? You don't know me.

I never said your song was BAD. Sure it's good, but it's still silly in my opinion.
I've taken much harsher criticism
My crit wasnt even harsh.

So what if your arrogance is based on others opinion. You're still arrogance. You're arrogant because other people says your good. That's what MAKES you arrogant.

No intelligence in my songs? No? Hah.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

The point still escapes you.

[sopborste]

You'll be arrogant forever. Too bad, arrogance isnt a good peronality. Im not wasting anymore time on you.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I'm not even centering these replys on trying to look better than you.

[sopborste]

Wow, Im still wasting time. Sorry.

But hey, you posted that my songs was worse than yours in all of your posts so...

[just a statistic]

WOMEN!!!! calm down
Sopborste just accept the fact APS is a better writer, if you question that simply take part in the lyrical challenges and prove everyone wrong.

APS: i like your song, the first stanza strongly reminds me of a poem called 'on my first Sonne' by Ben Johnson. I'm not that familiar with songwriting and peotry, as i have only written 1 song so far, but familiar enough to recognise this as a good piece.

can you please have a look at my first piece and see what you think.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360263

[Riding The Short Bus]

Ok, first off this is a place for people to put their opinions on a song, so stop with the arguing. If someone feels it is "How cute... and cliche... and silly." than that's how he feels about and deal with it. Take it like a man. You put it up here to hear what people have to say, good and bad, and the whole point is to use it to work with, not argue about cause you don't like it.

Now for my crit of you song. I like it. Especialy the end and the two single lines that were there. It is a good song. on the first line of the chorus I might change rot to be, seems it might flow a little better, but with music it might flow great the way it is, plus changing it might take away from it's meaning. Overall good the way it is.

Here is one of mine if you'd crit

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361172

[fretfriend]

Hey I was just wondering what kind of music you are playing to these lyrics acustic elecrtic or what? thanks

[Nightvision]

How cute... and cliche... and silly.

The fact that you called APS arrogant after a post like this one is something that will amuse me for quite a while.

sopborste - I had no problem with you before reading this thread - but reading this right through, you are completely in the wrong here - the quoted post is an abysmal example of a 'critique' - it's only one step up from "good job 8/10 :thumb:" in the useless critique stakes.

The best part was that you then proceeded to dive straight into a personal attack in what I can only assume was a half-baked attempt to score 'cool points' with I don't know who. (Perhaps yourself? You seem to be your own number one fan...)

Ok, first off this is a place for people to put their opinions on a song, so stop with the arguing. If someone feels it is "How cute... and cliche... and silly." than that's how he feels about and deal with it. Take it like a man. You put it up here to hear what people have to say, good and bad, and the whole point is to use it to work with, not argue about cause you don't like it.

APS is more than capable of speaking for himself on this one, but I'll throw my 0.02 in by asking you how what sopborste posted was supposed to be in any way constructive?
I'm not sure if you've been on the receiving end of such comments before - they're not pleasant. More than anything, they simply irritate the hell out of you - with a lot of the better writers, the songs posted are the result of hours of work, and to see it dismissed so flippantly by someone who is, to be as honest as possible, not as good a writer is frustrating and annoying to say the very least. If sopborste had have offered a solid, detailed critique, and then included his line about cliche and silly, I wouldn't have a problem - it's his view, and his right to express it provided he explains the reasons for this. As it is, this simply looks like a case of sour grapes, and APS was right to challenge him on it.

[atabner]

I'd agree - people post their songs here to get USEFUL critique. That's the key, useful. Being told your song is "cliche and silly" will do nothing but piss you off. It in no way helps you to become a better writer. I'd say all the banter about who was a better writer was a bit pointless, as in this context it means nothing. All it comes down to is if you can't either be helpful or be nice, then why bother posting.

EDIT as far as the song goes, it was elegant, well writting, flowed fantastically, and totally failed to touch me at all. OI don't know why. I can empathise with crafting something out of wood, I got what you were getting at, but other than the two lines mentioned by somebody earlier, the entire piece just failed to move me. Sorry. Probably just me, cos objectively, it's a great piece of writing.

[fretfriend]

instead of arguing and bit**ing about all a perfect sonnet wanted it looks like is to have a reason that you think he needs to change that, he is fine with crit but he doesn't see why you said such a stupied thing with out backing it up with reasons.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Well aside from the fact this was idiotically bumped, I'll have to thank you for bringing to my attention a song I really wanted to put to music.

[theredwonder]

I don't have time to crit this song right now, but i'd just like to say -

APS - Just because someone's writing isn't "up to your standard", that doesn't make their opinion on your work invalid. Even if their opinion is hypocritical.

sopborste - If you're going to make sweeping comments like that about people's work, please have the decency to justify them.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

i think I'm just going to ask Burt to close this. The arguement is three months old.