No Title, It's a love song, please crit

[Riding The Short Bus]

This is my first try ever writting a love song. I tried hard. Let me know what you think and all that.

I spent the last 5 minutes
Thinking of you
Of things I could say
And Things I should do
And I wonder as I fall asleep
If I am not the one
For you

Cross My heart and hope to die
I'll Stick a neddle in my eye
If I ever Break one Promise
To You

Close my eyes and go to sleep
Hope I dream the same dream
The one where you are here with me
And there's nothing else I'd rather do
Than spend another day
With you

Cross my heart and hope to die
I'd stick a neddle Through my eye
If I Break one single promise
To you

I'd go so far
and I'd try so hard
I'd give it all I've got
Just for a hope
And Just for a chance
that someday I might be
With you

Cross my heart and hope to die
I'd stick a neddle Through my eye
If I Break one single promise
To you



Other 3 songs I have done so far.

1. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361347

2. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

3. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361172

[mikethecoug]

Okay firstly, I think your song title should be "Cross My Heart".. just an idea there :)

Okay, first verse, it flows very well and is like most other emotional songs and flows easily and would go well with music, nothing special but it doesn't need to be.

Now onto the chorus, very nice, but I believe you meant 'needle' :). Anyway I like the chorus, but I think you should consider making a little longer because the last two lines don't work aswell as the first two, so I think you should try re-writing atleast the last line to make it flow a little better.

The second verse, very much the same as the first, it flows easily and isn't too complex, again not bad, and then the chorus again at the end. Nice song layout, but the lyrics need a little work.

Overall I give it a 6/10.

Crit my song. "My Insignificance".
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361758

[Riding The Short Bus]

Bumb!

[Disturbed]

i think its awesome because its one of those songs that i can totally relate to and im sure a lot of ppl can... great job man!

[SMOK3]

It's a good job, I just didn't dig the chorus that much. It was different, but I just didn't like it. Everything else checks out though

[Mr Magic]

Good song, the chourse "Cross My Heart And Hope To Die" has already been used by sentenced:P but still great song:)

[VivaLaSam461]

Okay dude, I know weve had some arguments in the past, and your a really good song writer, and I especially loved this song, so can we settle our differences and say truce? Oh and your song was really cool. :chug: :thumb:

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Its a really great song and has a lot of flow in it. Great Job! If you havent please crit m new one.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=363660

[White_Orchid]

[QUOTE]Bumb!

[tygy]

i think the title should be "you"

[Shoot2thrill]

why not call it cliche then?

[Riding The Short Bus]

Not sure if your seriously suggesting cliche as a title or saying this song cliche. If your suggesting it as a title, maybe, but probably not. Doesn't seem right for a title. If your calling it cliche, I am not saying it is or it isn't. Just wrote down how I felt, cliche or not.