so cliche

[AnotherGuitarist]

Leave me alone while I dance with myself
Watch me move to the ways you once did with me
It was never this way until our song ended


We were like stars in the morning sky
Unlikely, but a miracle to human eyes
One in a million sounds so cliché
But who am I trying to impress anyway?


Throw your apologies at me like heartthrobs in movies
But this scene doesn’t end the way you planned it
Your name was scratched from the credits


We were like stars in the morning sky
Unlikely, but a miracle to human eyes
One in a million sounds so cliché
But who am I trying to impress anyway?


You can call me childish I could care less
All I know is I miss you to death
You can call me childish I could care less
All I know is I miss you to death


We were like stars in the morning sky
Unlikely, but a miracle to human eyes
One in a million sounds so cliché
But who am I trying to impress anyway?

[robman304]

I like it bro. It's really catchy and clever, do you have any music for it yet?

[AnotherGuitarist]

im workin on that right now, i kind of got something down for it

[Riding The Short Bus]

I like the Chorus alot. "We were like start in the morning sky" I like that line alot.
The only thing I would say is that maybe the verses need a little work, like maybe a little longer and it seems like a couple of the lines need to flow better, but that could fix itself when you have music with it.

Please crit mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361002

[VUbaru]

My suggestions in bold.

Leave me alone while I dance with myself
Watch me move to the ways you once did with me
It was never this way until our song ended

The second line seems a little awkward. Why not "Watch me move IN the ways.."? I don't know how I feel about the reptition of "way" in the third line. You may want to reconsider that.

We were like stars in the morning sky
Unlikely, but a miracle to human eyes
One in a million sounds so cliché
But who am I trying to impress anyway?

The first image is good, as a matter of fact, I had a similar one in something I was writing yesterday. Odd coincidence. "Unlikely" from the second line seems very out of place and would be difficult to sing well. The ending two lines are great.

Throw your apologies at me like heartthrobs in movies
But this scene doesn’t end the way you planned it
Your name was scratched from the credits

The first line has an original, albeit not very logical, analogy. Who throws heartthrobs in movies? I'm not sure that I like the pseudorhyme with "it/credits." Maybe just get rid of "it"? Otherwise, an interesting idea.

We were like stars in the morning sky
Unlikely, but a miracle to human eyes
One in a million sounds so cliché
But who am I trying to impress anyway?


You can call me childish I could care less
All I know is I miss you to death
You can call me childish I could care less
All I know is I miss you to death

I'm pretty undecided towards what seems to be your bridge here. It's nothing amazing but seems to fit the feel of the song OK.

We were like stars in the morning sky
Unlikely, but a miracle to human eyes
One in a million sounds so cliché
But who am I trying to impress anyway?

I will be posting some stuff up later tonight, most likely. Keep your eyes peeled. I'd like to see what you think.

[AnotherGuitarist]

i really appreciate all the crits i've gotten out of this one. when people i dont know break it down for me its a lot better cause you know how you have good friends read em and they're like "oh man this is so good" but when you read it you know there's something to be fixed...this thing really helps me a lot, thanks guys.

[Agrim]

Leave me alone while I dance with myself
Watch me move to the ways you once did with me
It was never this way until our song endedCould work on the flow a little more. There's no rhyming whatsoever here, which isn't necessaraly a bad thing.. but it does hurt the flow a little bit. I do like it though.


We were like stars in the morning sky
Unlikely, but a miracle to human eyes
One in a million sounds so cliché
But who am I trying to impress anyway?
"I'm not trying to impress anyone anyway"
That would be my suggestion, or something like it, for the last line there. As is, it seems bit too long and forced. That breaks up the flow.


Throw your apologies at me like heartthrobs in movies
But this scene doesn’t end the way you planned it
Your name was scratched from the credits
I love the first line. And the second. But it feels like you need another line after the 3rd one.. or maybe a line between the 2nd and 3rd.


You can call me childish I could care less
All I know is I miss you to death
You can call me childish I could care less
All I know is I miss you to death
Good. I like how the repetition makes it sound more important, like you have to say it twice to get it. I wouldn't change anything there.

All in all I'd say it's a great song. You might run into some snags putting it to music though, because of the small problems with flow in some of the parts. But if you quirk it I'm sure it will be great.

All in all good job :thumb:

[HitHardDrums55]

not bad but here's my suggestions:
1. verses should be a few lines longer, but they arent bad as they are if you already have music for them
2. i agree with Agrim about the last line of the chorus, but other than that it's great!
3. maybe change up the order, because the verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus is sorta cliche in my opinion, unless you're doing it to fit with your song title. if you're doing it to fit your title, it's good as is, but if your not here's some things you could try to do...
-verse1, verse2, chorus, bridge, chorus
-chorus, verse1, verse2, chorus, bridge, chorus
-verse1, chorus, verse2, bridge, chorus
just some ideas, your song do whatever u want whether you take my suggestions or not...

please check out my song: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360699 and dont crit the version at the top, crit the one on post 25 (bottom of first page) i edited parts and the new one is better than the first one

[AnotherGuitarist]

thanks for the crit guys, im still working on it, and its starting to sound a lot better