Back from a 6 month writer's block!

[drummerben]

Not sure if anyone remembers me, but I'm back with a new piece thats based upon one of my older lyrics. I rewrote, and added. Anywho, Enjoy!

"Phobia"

I. Disillusion

I’m addicted to the pain I feel with you
In your eyes, I can’t succumb to truth
Alter ego, you’ve haunted in my dreams
Breaking silence, it’s just as it seems
It’s just as it seems

Living Nightmare, tomorrow seems to fade
Silent comfort, numbering my days
Lighted darkness, a silhouette remains
Hailing crowned heads, but only when it rains
Only when it rains

It’s just as it seems
but only when it rains
it’s just as it seems
Drowning in your pain

II. Foreign Virtue

Everything that I
Thought I knew
Resonates mockingly
Speaking through you

Dying Within
Going Without
Blind, I follow
I’m trying but I can’t get out

Losing religion
Finding conviction
A Waking Dream
Everything is just as it seems

Faith is lost in a frozen race
A Foreign virtue with a lack of grace
Though a haze, mankind we seek
When conviction is lost, I belong
I belong



III. Withdrawing

Wait for sounds
Crawling, anxious
Turning ‘round
He can’t bear this
He can’t sleep
Though he tries
He loudly weeps
But they can’t even hear these cries

His voice, but a fading echo
Though weakened, he’s desperate to hold on
Fears subside, he clenches his hands
Fears subside, and arise again

[DazedMountainTop]

The first and the last two are just awesome. The 2nd one is great, too, but I find two things that could be worked on a little bit. When you get to the 3rd stanza, the flow starts to take a turn for the worse...I think it's the last two lines that do it. And for the 4th stanza, each line is too long and doesn't really go with the rest...unless you in the song you slow down the tempo a little bit...then it would work. But just as lyrics, it just doesn't fit for me.

[drummerben]

thanks for the crit...anyone else?

[drummerben]

...Please?

[XLax]

Wish I could write like that. Really awsome. Although I really can't figure out "Withdrawing", I still think it's excellent

[drummerben]

Thank you very much!

[stoneyardprophet]

Very good. Only problem that I noticed was that the words didn't seem to flow together very well. But I still thought that it was awsome. Good job. :thumb:

[drummerben]

Any particular area of the poem that I should focus my efforts on?

[stoneyardprophet]

Any particular area of the poem that I should focus my efforts on?

I think that you should try to fix the second song but that's just my opinion. Do whatever you wanna do. It's pretty good antway. :cool:

[drummerben]

thanks, I'll see what I can do to make it flow more easily.

[red_fox]

"Phobia"

I. Disillusion

I’m addicted to the pain I feel with you
In your eyes, I can’t succumb to truth
Alter ego, you’ve haunted in my dreams
Breaking silence, it’s just as it seems
It’s just as it seems
(with the current wording, it’s unclear whether she is haunting your alter ego or your alter ego is haunting you. The inclusion of the phrase “breaking silence” disrupts the plot flow.)

Living Nightmare, tomorrow seems to fade
Silent comfort, numbering my days
Lighted darkness, a silhouette remains
Hailing crowned heads, but only when it rains
Only when it rains
(The first 3 lines begin with two trochees but “hailing crowned heads” breaks the pattern. I can put meanings to the first two lines even though they’re dense and pretty vague. Actually, the whole song uses abstract terms which make it difficult to read. I’d cut down on how many of these clichés you use. Ex. living nightmares, a waking dream, drowning in your pain.)

It’s just as it seems
but only when it rains
it’s just as it seems
Drowning in your pain
(The incorporation of the final lines of the previous stanzas make a good chorus. Even though “drowning in your pain” is a cliché, I’d keep this one. I think it adds to the movement of the song and tells us how sad the singer is over the girl.)

II. Foreign Virtue

Everything that I
Thought I knew
Resonates mockingly
Speaking through you
(the word speaking isn’t needed. “Resonates mockingly through you” sounds better.)

Dying Within
Going Without
Blind, I follow
I’m trying but I can’t get out
(the 4th line breaks the rhythm of the stanza. I suggest cutting it down to 4 syllables like the previous lines unless you intentionally made it this long to fit your music.)

Losing religion
Finding conviction
A Waking Dream
Everything is just as it seems
(not as good as the first chorus. I suggest scrapping and rewriting it.)

Faith is lost in a frozen race
A Foreign virtue with a lack of grace
Though a haze, mankind we seek
When conviction is lost, I belong
I belong
(Frozen races? Where did that come from? Honestly, did you put it there to rhyme with lack of grace?)



III. Withdrawing

Wait for sounds
Crawling, anxious
Turning ‘round
He can’t bear this
He can’t sleep
Though he tries
He loudly weeps
But they can’t even hear these cries
(I like the interrupted thoughts and actions in this stanza. I would shorten the last line.)

His voice, but a fading echo
Though weakened, he’s desperate to hold on
Fears subside, he clenches his hands
Fears subside, and arise again
(The concluding two lines are strong. I would revise the first two.

The song would be a lot better if you made it flow better but that's been said before. The main idea of the song has potential to go places.

What’s the foreign virtue I wonder.

[drummerben]

I honestly appreciate your crit, sir, but it seems like you've made quite the mess of my work. I'll try to explain myself a bit here.

The first 3 lines begin with two trochees but “hailing crowned heads” breaks the pattern.

I was going by syllables, not number of words "Hailing Crowned heads" is 4 syllables, as are "I'm addicted", "Alter Ego" and "Breaking Silence".
Indeed, I was trying to say that my alter ego is haunting my dreams. I'm really wondering what makes you think this song is about a girl, I doubt you could be further from the truth.

tells us how sad the singer is over the girl
Again, this song is not about a girl. I guess I could see how one would assume that it is about a girl, but you are wrong in that assumption

the 4th line breaks the rhythm of the stanza. I suggest cutting it down to 4 syllables like the previous lines unless you intentionally made it this long to fit your music

I know what you're saying here, but I've intentionally made the 4th line longer than the rest to fit the music.

not as good as the first chorus. I suggest scrapping and rewriting it

I'm about 2 steps ahead of you on that one...After consulting a few members of my band, we all agreed that this was to be scrapped. I substituted it for a better stanza.

Frozen races? Where did that come from? Honestly, did you put it there to rhyme with lack of grace

No, sorry...Wrong again. The Lack of Grace line came to mind after the frozen race line. Frozen race refers to the apparent lack of forward movement of humanity, therefore I feel that "Frozen race" would be appropriate. But to each his own, I suppose.


*I respect your opinion, but it frustrates me when when people misread my work. I'm not some preteen emo kid who writes about girls and gives birth to random rhymes to fit the lyrical criteria. I admit, however, that parts of this poem need to be cleaned up, and I DO need to work on being less abstract in my themes and ideas. Thank you.

[drummerben]

All venting aside, any more critiques?

[drummerben]

...at all?