need help first time

[Fender324]

I decided that I will work on my writing skills with poetry. I doubt I have it, but Ill give it a try. I started out but Im not sure if it sounds good. Its a love poem. Its supposed to be simple. Here is what I have.

Looking into your beautiful eyes
Like the stars in the sky they never stop to mesmorize
Praising every moment I spend with you
You can never understand the love that I have for you

I think what I have so far sucks but id just like someone to crit it. Im trying to get a technique. I have always been able to write, but this is by far very different to me. Thanks

[DazedMountainTop]

It's pretty good, except the 2nd line is wayyy too long for the rest of the poem. Other than that, it's perty good. I'd like to see your other stuff.

If you could critique mine, http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361349
called "The Apologetic Theory", I would greatly appreciate it.

Good job, fellow.

[anjalii]

I decided that I will work on my writing skills with poetry. I doubt I have it, but Ill give it a try. I started out but Im not sure if it sounds good. Its a love poem. Its supposed to be simple. Here is what I have.

Looking into your beautiful eyes
Like the stars in the sky they never stop to mesmorize
Praising every moment I spend with you
You can never understand the love that I have for you

I think what I have so far sucks but id just like someone to crit it. Im trying to get a technique. I have always been able to write, but this is by far very different to me. Thanks

I think that sounds good! :) Just work out a melody and ur set.

[Fender324]

I thought it was kind of long. I think I can just break it in half. I just wanted some input before I went on.

[Fender324]

I meant the verse. Thanks anjalii and Dazed. I would crit Dazed, but is a little to advanced for me. I did think it was very good though.

[SMOK3]

I don't think beautiful fits right like it should... Maybe take that out, because you talk about how her eyes mesmorize, showing that they are beautifu

It sounds good for a song though, like a chorus or something....

If you would, crit mine.... Champions Are Born

[Fender324]

Ya it was intended to be a song later. It actually was going to be a chorus. I thought that it rymed oo much to be a verse. Thanks! Ill look at yours.

[SMOK3]

Verses and choruses can both rhyme, or they can both not rhyme.... It all depends on you, the writer. I dont believe that songs sound bad when they dont rhyme, but some people do. It seems like a lot of people now a days think that songs are intended to rhyme to make it meaningful and good.... Do whatever you want, make your own style, and take criticism, and if you want to rhyme go ahead.... If you don't you are fine either way