The Apologetic Theory

[DazedMountainTop]

I’ll listen to what you say
Get an idea of your head
Be sure of the time
To be able to sleep in your bed

I’ll wait for your words
To know the difference of what was said
I didn’t mean to be dead
It’s more than I’d like to know

Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories

So I’ll sit here and be captivated
By every sound that comes out
So long, pretty face, I’ll see you again
In my dreams, I’ll wait, and free you of your dad

I’ll wait for your words
To know the difference of what was said
I didn’t mean to be dead
It’s more than I’d like to know

Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories

It’s a contradiction
A slow and painful incision
Gliding into your empty heart
I don’t know where to start
How about the time when I gave you the gun
And you summoned up your pride
I know you didn’t mean it
I know you didn’t mean it

Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories
------------------------------
Tear it up.

[jade858907]

ok man, im not to experianced in poems and song writing and i havent quiet mastered it my self, but i read yours and to me its rather all over the place. i am sitting in the middle of chaos at the moment but it was undecisive maybe, i dont know. but thats an amature talking i could be wrong. sorry bud ~jade

come crit me some time tho please

[Popeye]

It was good, I kind of liked it. In my heirachy, kind of liking is about a six, so you might want to fix it up a bit. Jade was a little right, it did go in a million directions once or twice and that is really the only problem.

It had really good parts but it was just running circles around the main theme and not really hitting it. Oh, and fix the first paragraph it is very unleading.

Crit mine, it's SPQ.

[DoubtingVada]

First off, the title is half the project - and you got that part down. All righttt! Love the title.

Continuing on to the actual song part ...
I’ll listen to what you say
Get an idea of your head
Be sure of the time
To be able to sleep in your bed

Okay. Rhyming - okay. Okay. Head/bed? O .... kay. What I mean is ... actually sitting down and thinking of how to phrase a line to form a rhyme ... is just not cool. It really takes away from the song. I don't know if that's what you meant to do, but I would stay away from obvious rhymes like that.

I’ll wait for your words
To know the difference of what was said
I didn’t mean to be dead
It’s more than I’d like to know

I don't like the second line ... a little confusing and POSSIBLE grammatically incorrect (she says, misspelling gramatically? I don't know how to spell that. Sound it out yourselves) Again ... said/dead .... you can do better. You really can.

Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories

Last 2 lines here are the best in the piece. As I read more and more, I'm starting to think that maybe you should form complete sentences instead of the phrases you have all over.

So I’ll sit here and be captivated
By every sound that comes out
So long, pretty face, I’ll see you again
In my dreams, I’ll wait, and free you of your dad

So long, pretty face, I'll see you again .... I love that. SweeT! =)

I’ll wait for your words
To know the difference of what was said
I didn’t mean to be dead
It’s more than I’d like to know

Okay, repeating stuff is good. You know my thougts on this

Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories

And this.

It’s a contradiction
A slow and painful incision
Gliding into your empty heart
I don’t know where to start
How about the time when I gave you the gun
And you summoned up your pride
I know you didn’t mean it
I know you didn’t mean it

Gliding into your empty heard -- I did not like. Take 'when' out of the 5th line.


----------------------

I know, right .... I give mean crits. I focus on the things I DON'T like more than the things I do like .... but overall, this is not a bad piece! Anything would sound good with music put to it, really, so depending on how you wrote this it may be perfect already! Just sharing my thoughts. =)

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

I’ll listen to what you say
Get an idea of your head
Be sure of the time
To be able to sleep in your bed

I’ll wait for your words
To know the difference of what was said
I didn’t mean to be dead
It’s more than I’d like to know

nicely done, from the feel of it, its def showing the titles theme nicely
but you are a tad redundent in these verses so
work on them a little


Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories

i would of never thought of hyming theory with memory i gotta give ya that one
the opening is a tad cliche, i hate using the term "Morning Sun" cause its been written so many times
it just gives it a cheesy feel

So I’ll sit here and be captivated
By every sound that comes out
So long, pretty face, I’ll see you again
In my dreams, I’ll wait, and free you of your dad

nice verse but it loses all sense of validity
by saying "Free you of your dad"
thats when people will just laugh at you
i suggest doing something about it

I’ll wait for your words
To know the difference of what was said
I didn’t mean to be dead
It’s more than I’d like to know
now your just taking lines from other verses and made another one
which is pretty good when you just wan't to fill space
but you have to ask yourself whether you really need it...[/quote]


Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories

i take back what i said you could leave the first line in simply because its a chorus
and everyone knows chorus's are allowed to be cheezy

It’s a contradiction
A slow and painful incision
Gliding into your empty heart
I don’t know where to start
How about the time when I gave you the gun
And you summoned up your pride
I know you didn’t mean it
I know you didn’t mean it

Bring out the morning sun
Hold on to the things I’ve done wrong
It’s too late for the apologetic theory
So sing me a song to wash away the memories
------------------------------
Tear it up.

pretty **** good i'll give it a 8/10
i like the theme except for some minor crits,
its a pretty good peice of formidable work
i'm looking forward to hear you record this
good job