Navigate Us: Distribute the Rest Accordingly.

[factor46]

I've posted this one before, but I didn't get any crits on it. Please help me out here. :thumb:



Navigate Us: Distribute the Rest Accordingly

The princess is in harm!
Can we get past out stench? We have a task to fulfill.
Over the chimneys and under the bridges,
Mission ahead: flailing pretenses,
Champion is how I shall be depicted.
But you, unharmed is almost unfeasible.
Yes, I said almost.
Now’s not the time to boast; we have a task to fulfill.
Retribution,
That’s our destination.
We can’t penetrate miracles, we can’t sustain our fortress.
Comfort is constant, but not now.
Calamity is compromise, let us heal.
Our dream, watching it dive into oceans of failure,
And we call ourselves content.
As if the wind could sing a song to the clouds:
“Move to left, avoid the right. No entry until sunset.”
A harmony so subtle.
Now herd your cattle somewhere far from here,
The princess still awaits her rescue,
We have a task to fulfill.

[SMOK3]

This is just a thought, but maybe nobody critted on it, cause it was hard to follow... I didn't know whether it was a song or not, I thought somewhere along the lines of a story. One thing I did like about this work, is that it doesn't involve dying or anything like that, as a lot of songs fall under these days. I also liked some of your choice of words.... Especially, "We can't penetrate miracles."

Please Crit my song, Champions Are Born

[factor46]

Thanks alot for the crit SMOK. Greatly appreciated. If I can find your song, I will critique it. :thumb:

[jade858907]

i like it, im no help because i have no changes to be made, lol, but i thought it was cool. um if you could crit me, ive got two songs and no one wants to help me out. im some what of an amature, so its not so good, but if you could help me out id really like it. ~jade

[factor46]

Thank you. :D

I will crit your stuff tomorrow. It's 4 in the morning right now and I'm tired. lol.