La ti da, Di da dee da (Lack of Title....)

[masada]

Rectrospect in the falling night.
Drowziness becoming apparent.
Eyes starting to narrow.
Warm lights glowing.
In the falling night.

The falling night.
Sleeping in silence.
Disturbances few and far between.
The falling night.
Awakening is sudden.
Startled from a dream.

Dreaming of the dreams so foggy in memory.
Yet so clear at the time.
Abstract as they are they seem rather familiar.
But they never suffice a rhyme.
In the thesaurus of insomnia.
Dancing throughout your brain.
Straining to decipher the moment.
When everything became the same....

When life became the ordinary, hung crooked on the wall in a tacky frame.
When life became the ordinary, nothing mattered but the next breath.
When life became the ordinary, when we all gave up on ourselves.
The road to an inevitable death...
The same fate as all the rest...

Living became the syringe in which I needed a fix...
You are my heroin

Crit for crit, eh. (God... I hate sayign "Crit for Crit"). I really don't know what to think of the song, so I guess I'll leave that up to you guys/girls.

[Solar]

Rectrospect in the falling night.
Drowziness becoming apparent.
Eyes starting to narrow.
Warm lights glowing.
In the falling night.

Nice start, though I'm not sure about 'retrospect' as an opening, it feels clumsy to sing but that could be different with the melody you have in mind. Apparent, narrow and glowing are good finishing words. I'm not super keen on you keeping your opening and close lines the same...

The falling night.
Sleeping in silence.
Disturbances few and far between.
The falling night.
Awakening is sudden.
Startled from a dream.

You're using 'the falling night' too much, try changing 'falling' around with different words or your song will become repetitive and boring. The rest of the stanza is very good though, I like your poetic style of writing.

Dreaming of the dreams so foggy in memory.
Yet so clear at the time.
Abstract as they are they seem rather familiar.
But they never suffice a rhyme.
In the thesaurus of insomnia.
Dancing throughout your brain.
Straining to decipher the moment.
When everything became the same....

Apart from the opening line this is a great stanza, don't use a word twice in the same line, it never works. Though great stanza, "In the thesaurus of insomnia" and "Dancing throughout your brain" are very nice lines.


When life became the ordinary, hung crooked on the wall in a tacky frame.
When life became the ordinary, nothing mattered but the next breath.
When life became the ordinary, when we all gave up on ourselves.
The road to an inevitable death...
The same fate as all the rest...

Very good, flows well and fits in with the rest of the song, nothing to really mention.

Living became the syringe in which I needed a fix...
You are my heroin

Good analogy, nice closing.

Overall: Well written and poetic, make some minor changes and you could really turn this into something.

[masada]

Hm.. how about...

Looking back on the falling night.
Drowziness becoming apparent.
Eyes starting to narrow.
The warm lights glow, like incasescant candles.

Sleeping in silence.
Disturbances few and far between.
When it finally comes.
Awakening is sudden.
Startled from a dream.

So foggy in memory.
Yet so clear at the time.
Abstract as they are they seem rather familiar.
But they never suffice a rhyme.
In the thesaurus of insomnia.
Dancing throughout your brain.
Straining to decipher the moment.
When everything became the same....

[Solar]

Much better :thumb:

[masada]

Thanks for the help :)

[Solar]

It's okay- now you can crit mine ;)

[Popeye]

the second version was definitely better than the original. I really like it, it sounds like something I wold listen to again and again and maybe never get tired of it, great job.

[masada]

Thank you. :)

[Riding The Short Bus]

Hmm, I like it. There isn't really anything I would change, if sung the way I did, it all flows really good. Even retrospect at the begining. Only thing I would change would be like one here and there, like "awakening is sudden" I would jsut change is to so, and little things like that. I thought the first was it was good, good use of words and all that. I couldn't give you anyother tips except how I think it should be sung and things like that. Good job

Mine is:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361172

[just a statistic]

i'm not that familiar with songwriting (yet), have to agree that the second version is a lot better

In the thesaurus of insomnia.
Dancing throughout your brain.
Straining to decipher the moment.
When everything became the same

i really like this bit, there is nothing really for me to comment on i like the piece it has good bits and even better bits in it.
feel free to have a look at my first piece, crit it and crap on it
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360263