Lord of pain

[Blackhorizons]

Another black/viking metal type song that I wrote, one of my first songs, please crit.

I despise the silence, I feed off their cries
Just turn around, avoid my eyes
Anyone who crosses my path
Usually ****ing dies
Across the ramparts to my keep
The armies they flock like diseased sheep
Yet my kingdom stands strong, like the dark of pitch night

Into the forest I lead my men
The sunlight slowly fading through the humble land
As night strikes your death is at hand
Leading the legions of the dead towards the realm of the light
We have no end, forever we will fight

We reach the gates to the mortal’s lair
No one fights, they all just stare
Wouldn’t they care? Their soon to die
Wouldn’t they cry? Their soon to die
Up the walls we climb, through the gates we rush
Slaughtering all the living, lusting for their blood
Their screams awaken forgotten happiness in me
As do the gallons of blood that I just love to see
For I am the lord, the lord of pain
Lord of pain for all eternity

You hear me lurking in the shadows, trailing you back home
My blade becomes ready, I can’t wait for it to hit home
A knife in your back, I hear your cries
That was for all your ****ing lies

Through the moonlight field, the undead do ride
Through the blood red river, my men they ride
All across the country, the innocent they hide

I cant really think of anything to end it with so any suggestions are welcome.

[HitHardDrums55]

I despise the silence, I feed off their cries
Just turn around, avoid my eyes
Anyone who crosses my path
Usually ****ing dies
Across the ramparts to my keep
The armies they flock like diseased sheep
Yet my kingdom stands strong, like the dark of pitch night

doesn't really make sense to me...seems just kind of out there and forced rhymes...try not to swear it can destroy something brilliant, unless of course it sounds alright in the song...

Into the forest I lead my men
The sunlight slowly fading through the humble land
As night strikes your death is at hand
Leading the legions of the dead towards the realm of the light
We have no end, forever we will fight

a lot better. rhymes still seem kind of forced to me, but much better than the 1st section. flows a little better too.

We reach the gates to the mortal’s lair
No one fights, they all just stare
Wouldn’t they care? Their soon to die
Wouldn’t they cry? Their soon to die
Up the walls we climb, through the gates we rush
Slaughtering all the living, lusting for their blood
Their screams awaken forgotten happiness in me
As do the gallons of blood that I just love to see
For I am the lord, the lord of pain
Lord of pain for all eternity

just kind of....interesting i guess

You hear me lurking in the shadows, trailing you back home
My blade becomes ready, I can’t wait for it to hit home
A knife in your back, I hear your cries
That was for all your ****ing lies

if you can't make it rhyme, don't rhyme it. again it seems forced. the swearing fits in a little better there, but still no need for it.

Through the moonlight field, the undead do ride
Through the blood red river, my men they ride
All across the country, the innocent they hide

not bad. i say use this as an ending. but make it "the undead ride" or something.

overall: not too bad, not too great, but not too bad. needs some work, just seems a little forced in general except a few parts

also, it seems you got the idea from another song (i.e. The Police - King of Pain, or Alkaline Trio - Queen of Pain) am i right? or did it just come to you like that by coincidence?

my song is http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360699

[Solar]

I despise the silence, I feed off their cries
Just turn around, avoid my eyes
Anyone who crosses my path
Usually ****ing dies
Across the ramparts to my keep
The armies they flock like diseased sheep
Yet my kingdom stands strong, like the dark of pitch night

The first 3 lines flow well but the "Usually ****ing dies" sounds pretty average- the rhymes is blunt and forced, I would try to create something flowing a descriptive. The rest is good except the last part of the last line, which doesn't exactly make sense and I would prefer it "pitch dark of night".

Into the forest I lead my men
The sunlight slowly fading through the humble land
As night strikes your death is at hand
Leading the legions of the dead towards the realm of the light
We have no end, forever we will fight

Lines 2 and 4 go for too long, I would either shorten them or split them and make 7 lines. I like your last line though, it fits well with the songs mood.


We reach the gates to the mortal’s lair
No one fights, they all just stare
Wouldn’t they care? Their soon to die
Wouldn’t they cry? Their soon to die
Up the walls we climb, through the gates we rush
Slaughtering all the living, lusting for their blood
Their screams awaken forgotten happiness in me
As do the gallons of blood that I just love to see
For I am the lord, the lord of pain
Lord of pain for all eternity
The first 4 lines flow pretty well, but "Their soon to die" should be "They're soon to die". Slaughtering in the the 6th line has too many syllables. Also, "forgotten" and "happiness" shouldn't be used so close together, they are both clumsy words that really butcher the flow of the melody. The rest is okay but you could go over and make things fit better.

You hear me lurking in the shadows, trailing you back home
My blade becomes ready, I can’t wait for it to hit home
A knife in your back, I hear your cries
That was for all your ****ing lies

This is good, it works well though you have one syllable to many in the 2nd line. The swearing feels a little forced and is pretty pointless- I would recommend using something to help us picture the scene.

Through the moonlight field, the undead do ride
Through the blood red river, my men they ride
All across the country, the innocent they hide

Best stanza in the song, I would repeat this as an outro, nothing to change here, as close to perfect as you can get it without reverting to a different language :)

Overall: Pretty good but nothing to write home about. It has a lot of potential so tinker with different words and rhyme schemes and you could prove me wrong :thumb:

[Blackhorizons]

I despise the silence, I feed off their cries
Just turn around, avoid my eyes
Anyone who crosses my path
Usually ****ing dies
Across the ramparts to my keep
The armies they flock like diseased sheep
Yet my kingdom stands strong, like the dark of pitch night

doesn't really make sense to me...seems just kind of out there and forced rhymes...try not to swear it can destroy something brilliant, unless of course it sounds alright in the song...

Into the forest I lead my men
The sunlight slowly fading through the humble land
As night strikes your death is at hand
Leading the legions of the dead towards the realm of the light
We have no end, forever we will fight

a lot better. rhymes still seem kind of forced to me, but much better than the 1st section. flows a little better too.

We reach the gates to the mortal’s lair
No one fights, they all just stare
Wouldn’t they care? Their soon to die
Wouldn’t they cry? Their soon to die
Up the walls we climb, through the gates we rush
Slaughtering all the living, lusting for their blood
Their screams awaken forgotten happiness in me
As do the gallons of blood that I just love to see
For I am the lord, the lord of pain
Lord of pain for all eternity

just kind of....interesting i guess

You hear me lurking in the shadows, trailing you back home
My blade becomes ready, I can’t wait for it to hit home
A knife in your back, I hear your cries
That was for all your ****ing lies

if you can't make it rhyme, don't rhyme it. again it seems forced. the swearing fits in a little better there, but still no need for it.

Through the moonlight field, the undead do ride
Through the blood red river, my men they ride
All across the country, the innocent they hide

not bad. i say use this as an ending. but make it "the undead ride" or something.

overall: not too bad, not too great, but not too bad. needs some work, just seems a little forced in general except a few parts

also, it seems you got the idea from another song (i.e. The Police - King of Pain, or Alkaline Trio - Queen of Pain) am i right? or did it just come to you like that by coincidence?

my song is http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360699

No I've never even heard that song before, thanks for the crit.

[jade858907]

hey, i liked it no negative here. its great. kinda the way i could get things to sound!lol great job, id love for you to crit me some time, i guess being a newbie no one wants to read/crit me... ~jade

[Daystar]

Well, now. Normally, I have nothing to say about that stuff, but since it brought up memories of Warcraft 3, here I goes. (Grammatical error intentional, thanks.") Why not repeat the last stanza and then the first verse, only more intense and whispery the 2nd time. 8/10 Daystar

[Blackhorizons]

Well, now. Normally, I have nothing to say about that stuff, but since it brought up memories of Warcraft 3, here I goes. (Grammatical error intentional, thanks.") Why not repeat the last stanza and then the first verse, only more intense and whispery the 2nd time. 8/10 Daystar
Yeah man hahaha warcraft, exactly...seriously it was meant to be like that. Thanks for all the crit.

[crystalimage]

Hey, that was good, I enjoyed reading it. I especially liked the chorus, it's probably the best written part of the song. It's a little wordy at times, and that can make songs a little bit confusing.

Anyone who crosses my path
Usually ****ing dies

The first verse is really well written, and I don't really see those two lines fitting well. Besides that it was compelling. 8/10

[StrangelyBrewed13]

I really liked the chorus but some parts are a bit confusing. Just remember your audience. Please crit mine "conducted Around"

[Blackhorizons]

Anoyone else....please?