Just To Try And Remember

[IOWNU200]

I'll crit back, just leave a link. This is meant to be a slow down acoustic piece with very vibrant vocals.

Just To Try And Remember

Walking back from the moonlit pier
With an empty bottle and a frozen tear
You used to walk the shores at night
But there’s broken glass, the remnants of a fight

And it’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, and 17 days since I’ve known you
And we’ve both been learning how to see with our eyes closed
It’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, 17 days since you’ve called me
And we’ve both been learning how to cope with the stars

A cool breeze blows you into my thoughts
Sitting in the car where we once faught
Regretting all the words that I’d never wanted to say

Now your friends they often disappear
But when they come back you lose your ears
I cleaned my mouth for days and days
But a memory from a stupid phase will haunt me

And it’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, and 17 days since I’ve known you
And we’ve both been learning how to see with our eyes closed
It’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, 17 days since you’ve called me
And we’ve both been learning how to cope with the stars

So I’ll sit outside your bedroom window
Strap on my guitar and sing drunken songs
Until I come to my senses

I’ll scream your name aloud at 2 am
Just to try and drown myself in this pain

This night is pathetic and so am I
It’s the late night show when you’re not around to tame me

And it’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, and 17 days since I’ve known you
And we’ve both been learning how to see with our eyes closed
It’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, 17 days since you’ve called me
And we’ve both been learning how to cope with the stars

I’ll scream your name aloud at 2 am
Just to try and remember…

Thanks in advance

[Distance Distortion Factor]

All remarks in the quote below and marked by ()


I'll crit back, just leave a link. This is meant to be a slow down acoustic piece with very vibrant vocals.

Just To Try And Remember

Walking back from the moonlit pier
With an empty bottle and a frozen tear
You used to walk the shores at night
But there’s broken glass, the remnants of a fight

(consider changing the fourth line, it breaks the flow slightly)

And it’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, and 17 days since I’ve known you
And we’ve both been learning how to see with our eyes closed
It’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, 17 days since you’ve called me
And we’ve both been learning how to cope with the stars

(cope with the stars doesnt say very much, consider something diffrent, reverse eyes closed to closed eyes and remove our, it sounds better)

A cool breeze blows you into my thoughts
Sitting in the car where we once faught
Regretting all the words that I’d never wanted to say

(last line drags on too long here, try something like
Regretting words I never wanted to say, to keep consistent)

Now your friends they often disappear
But when they come back you lose your ears
I cleaned my mouth for days and days
But a memory from a stupid phase will haunt me

(Fourth line is too long detracts from the anger of the passage, you have a thing about draggin that fourth dont you :=P)

And it’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, and 17 days since I’ve known you
And we’ve both been learning how to see with our eyes closed
It’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, 17 days since you’ve called me
And we’ve both been learning how to cope with the stars

So I’ll sit outside your bedroom window
Strap on my guitar and sing drunken songs
Until I come to my senses

(try something diffrent, use the same concept but new wording)

I’ll scream your name aloud at 2 am
Just to try and drown myself in this pain

(Work on the second line)

This night is pathetic and so am I
It’s the late night show when you’re not around to tame me

(work on this also, its not bad but could be better)

And it’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, and 17 days since I’ve known you
And we’ve both been learning how to see with our eyes closed
It’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, 17 days since you’ve called me
And we’ve both been learning how to cope with the stars

I’ll scream your name aloud at 2 am
Just to try and remember…

(good ending)

Thanks in advance

check mine out when you get time

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360780

[Popeye]

you drag the last lines in your verses too long, you really need to fix up your chorus and bridges,and once that is done I can really see myself at some bar doing a cover of this song in some sort of drunken rage. Good though.

[Corupt2057]

first off this is just a bump until I get around to fully critiqueing this but the songs chorus is alot like I think it's an andy griggs country song that uses the same line 'it’s been 4 months, 3 weeks, and 17 days since I’ve known you' but with a different amount of time of course and honestly there are two other songs that come to mind that do it too one is a brian mcknight and the other I can't remember, anyways just wanted to say that all thought it may be semi-cliche to me since I've heard the device used so many times before it is a very good way to emphasize and express the time you've spent in whatever frame of mind you've been trapped in anyways like everyone else said your 4th lines need work the cope with stars line I liked, the 'you lose your ears' line was lame and forced other than that it's all good and I can see it working well as acoustic song
suggestion:
"You used to walk the shores at night
In broken glass, through the remnants of our fight"