crits??

[jade858907]

a long time comeing
i begin to be consumed by your flame
lit deep inside of me
i begin to play your game

you opened my vaulted heart
let me reroll the dice
and take me back to the start
had such pacients with my stubborn mind

the sky breaths in the ocean
the way you breath me in
the ocean cascades over the rocks
the way the tears cascaded your cheeks when you felt you couldnt win

i let you in the day we lost our innocents
we lost our selves in a world of mischief and bliss
the world out side of our own
is brushed away with just one kiss

a long time comeing
i begin to be consumed by you flame
lit deep inside of me
i begin to play your game



i tried to be happier and not so "acid drop" the way i was told so give me some feed back thanks guys!!

[robman304]

It's pretty good man. The only thing I have to really comment on is something that restricts a lot of writers, which is rhyming, you kept an ABCB scheme for the whole song. Shake it up bro, if you sit down and think too much about rhymes sometimes you lose the whole feel of the song. Keep it up. :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I'm going to fix your spelling and stuff, because I'm OCD like that.

A long time coming,
I begin to be consumed by your flame.
Lit deep inside of me,
I begin to play your game.

--A rather lackluster opener. It just doesn't have a real hook to it. I feel shorthanded after reading it, like there wasn't enough build up to form a proper base of a song. The words lack a certain tone or personality, almost like a computer came up with them. Try and stick some of your feelings into it, cause right now the words come across as hallow.

You opened my vaulted heart,
Let me reroll the dice
and take me back to the start,
Had such patience with my stubborn mind.

--Vaulted heart is a good term, very original, but I don't see where rolling the dice takes any part in this? It only has a very loose connection to a game, and falls short of any development of plot or buildup of emotions. The last line kills what you had going, it's very awkward. Perhaps the reason is because it is incoherant, I didn't understand it. If you know what you wanted behind this, try and phrase it so that it makes the plot advance rather than screech to a halt.

The sky breathes in the ocean,
The way you breathe me in.
The ocean cascades over the rocks,
The way the tears cascaded your cheeks when you felt you couldnt win.

--As you can tell, I've been fixing your spelling and added punctuation cause it looks better, but that is besides the point. This verse is actually quite good, though I think the repetition of verbs is making the verse seem a little too circular. Once again, your awkward last line kills it. Dont worry about rhyming so much as making sense out of the flow. That last line is just overly wordy and much too bulky compared to the rest of them. Try and cut it back.

I let you in the day we lost our innocence.
We lost ourselves in a world of mischief and bliss.
The world outside of our own
Is brushed away with just one kiss.

--This verse was decent, there was nothing horribly wrong with it. It just feels very slow though, when you put it into terms of how much it makes you think. Maybe a little too direct for my liking. If something is direct, it has to scream with emotion, this was just sort of reserved and plain. Experiment a little.

A long time coming,
I begin to be consumed by you flame.
Lit deep inside of me,
I begin to play your game.

--Indifferent on the repetition of your first verse, though I still hold the same complaints.

Well, you could work of this, just spice it up. Make it interesting, add plot through experiences, emotions, and ideas. Explore what you can do rather than accepting a dull rhyme scheme and building lines off of it. Practice, you'll get better.

[factor46]

Well I don't know if I can follow that critique. lol. Mine will probably look wimpy and retarded now, but I owe you one, so here goes. :D


It's a very good song coming from someone more on the unexperienced side of writing. You have some unique lyrics in here, and then you have some basic, plain stuff in it. Maybe you should try ditching some of the rhyming and adding some imagery-bringing words every here and there.

I do like how you repeat the first stanza at the very end, but I'd suggest changing at least one of the lines in it a little. To make it so the reader knows he's read this before, but it's obvious that there's new material in it.

The song overall, is good. I wish I could've been this good at writing when I first started. Your flow is right on the mark, and the rhyming, even though I personally don't like rhyming in songs, doesn't seem forced or nothing. Nice job. Keep writing, and work on using more explicit, descriptive words every once in awhile. :thumb:


And thanks again for critiquing my work.

[MindlessPickle]

a long time comeing
i begin to be consumed by your flame
lit deep inside of me
i begin to play your game

you opened my vaulted heart
let me reroll the dice
and take me back to the start
had such pacients with my stubborn mind

the sky breaths in the ocean
the way you breath me in
the ocean cascades over the rocks
the way the tears cascaded your cheeks when you felt you couldnt win

i let you in the day we lost our innocents
we lost our selves in a world of mischief and bliss
the world out side of our own
is brushed away with just one kiss

a long time comeing
i begin to be consumed by you flame
lit deep inside of me
i begin to play your game



i tried to be happier and not so "acid drop" the way i was told so give me some feed back thanks guys!!

To be honest I found most of the verses very clumsy and forced and you should work a bit on your spelling. The only thing that really stood out was "I let you in the day..."

Hmm, I know how hard it can be to put an idea, a feeling into words, I guess the only thing to do is to take any advice given by the "big shots" around here.