Untitled

[Riding The Short Bus]

This song took like 5 minutes to write. and there aren't all that many words to it. It is a slower song, and I put some little notes of like how I think it should go, I haven't written music or anything for it.
But uhh, I guess just tell me what you think. And let me know if you have any ideas for a title.

Dang, so far 11 views and no comments. Someone at least tell me if it's good or bad.


UNTITLED:

I shot for the stars
and I hit the moon
I fell a little bit shot
just a moment too soon.
Cause sometimes
it seems like it's too much to take
Cause I don't know
what kind of life that I will make
BUT
I've tried and I've tried
I Don't think I'll make it
I've cried and I've cried
grit my teeth and I take it
And I find myself wondering
If this is what it means
To be alive
And I find myself wondering
If this is what God meant
When he gave us life

(music, no words for a little bit, maybe a slow guitar solo, than drums come in really soft, and then after a couple bars of that, Hit crash, and drums come in louder, and start of the next measure, that is where words come in again.)

I've cried and I've cried
I don't think I'll make it
I've tried and I've tried
Grit my teeth and I take it

(words stop for a tiny bit, more music)

I fell beneath the wind and the rain
I crawled untill I died
And I wonder
If that's what it means
To be alive



OTHER SONGS BY ME:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361172

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361545

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=361347

[robman304]

It looks good. I like the fact that you got this down quickly. I think that's how a good song goes. You write it quick, you play it, edit it as you play, and then it becomes a song.

The only thing I can say song-wise is not to force the rhymes. Lots of the song was ABAB or ABCB. Not saying you shouldn't rhyme, but if you want to make a rhyme scheme really interesting, rhyme it with something that someone wouldn't expect. But it's all kind of an interpretable thing, so do what you think will get your point across.

[Ilija]

Awesome song dude.

Cause sometimes
it seems like it's too much to take
Cause I don't know
what kind of life that I will make

These lines really kick a** man, its simple and people can relate...will I did anyway.

I've cried and I've cried
I don't think I'll make it
I've tried and I've tried
Grit my teeth and I take it

I also like this, cause its pretty catchy, I think it would work well with 2 vocalists one singing lines 1 and 3 the other 2 and 4.

The fact that you wrote this in 5 mins shows that you are a fine writer. :thumb: :thumb:

Good Job Dude.

[Distance Distortion Factor]

I shot for the stars
and I hit the moon
I fell a little bit shot
just a moment too soon.

absolutely beautiful, that is one of the best lines i have seen in awhile....

great job on this piece

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360780

check mine out when you get time....

[Shadowhawk109]

Well I like it...except for "I fell a little bit shot
just a moment too soon." um...need to change that first line there...maybe "I reopened scars just a moment too soon."

8/10 just because that one part really thoguht me off. Good job though.

[Leaves]

I've cried and I've cried
I don't think I'll make it
I've tried and I've tried
Grit my teeth and I take it

This is what makes the song right here. Excellent chorus, great hook.

I'm not a fan of the opening verse, though. The whole "shoot for the stars / hit the moon" bit means that if you set your sights high, even if you don't reach them, you'll still get far. Your meaning seems to be that the moon is a bad thing, which is not the meaning of the parable. So I didn't like that.

Otherwise, very good!

[Riding The Short Bus]

Well I like it...except for "I fell a little bit shot
just a moment too soon." um...need to change that first line there...maybe "I reopened scars just a moment too soon."

8/10 just because that one part really thoguht me off. Good job though.

huh, I really like that. I think I might have to do that. Dang, I really like that. Thanks

[Bub]

First of all, thanks for your crit :)
Like you I'm gonna crit this whilst reading, and before reading any other comments:

I shot for the stars
and I hit the moon
I fell a little bit short< this almost seems clumsy..the "little bit"...
just a moment too soon.
Cause sometimes
it seems like it's too much to take
Cause I don't know
what kind of life that I will make < Maybe you could lose the "that"
BUT
I've tried and I've tried
I Don't think I'll make it < I like this, how there's no conjunctive, good
I've cried and I've cried
grit my teeth and I take it < Now this is good, this line here fits so well
And I find myself wondering
If this is what it means
To be alive
And I find myself wondering
If this is what God meant
When he gave us life < Maybe a rethink of the last 6 lines...you sort of repeat your whole meaning which is unnecessary and unprogressive. Maybe if the lines were shorter, it would work, but I think you're better off writing this anew

(music, no words for a little bit, maybe a slow guitar solo, than drums come in really soft, and then after a couple bars of that, Hit crash, and drums come in louder, and start of the next measure, that is where words come in again.) <cool :P

I've cried and I've cried
I don't think I'll make it
I've tried and I've tried
Grit my teeth and I take it < Yep, gooood

(words stop for a tiny bit, more music)

I fell beneath the wind and the rain
I crawled untill I died
And I wonder
If that's what it means
To be alive < Good sum up...yep it is

Overall its a good song! I can see you take a lot of care with performance and SONGWRITING rather than writing lyrics, which is just what this song needed. Well done, hope to hear more from you

[jade858907]

I shot for the stars
and I hit the moon>>>i love the first two lines

i think the rhyme scheme works
i love "and i wonder if thats what it meaans to be alive" and "And I find myself wondering If this is what God meant When he gave us life"

a little repetitive in some parts but it works bud. good job. i like it. ~jade

[lilwing89]

tis good, and **** u write fast

[AnotherGuitarist]

man this is really good, i was completely pulled in when i read the first couple lines, very clever my friend. i have no complaints about it. and yeah ive done that before too, 5 minutes to write something, it happens. great job buddy. and thanks for the crit on mine

[MindlessPickle]

Thats a really cool song, everything that had to be said has already been said. I really like it, keep up the good work :thumb:

[HitHardDrums55]

not too shabby wrote it really fast for the quality of it...love the chorus no complaints..wanna hear it when it's recorded ;)

also, i can picture this being not necessarily a FAST song, but probably quite a bit faster than you make it out to be...bout the same tempo or maybe a little faster than like...i dunno fistful of steal by rage against the machine?

crit my song, http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360699 the version on post 25, not the first version...the new one is a lot better :)

[Music.is.Life]

That is awesome! I LOVE the first 2 lines, actually the whole thing, but especially the first two lines.

I really like lyrics/songs like this that aren't just "oh no she left me", this is so much deeper and more creative.

I have nothing else to say besides this is freakin awesome, and I can't wait to hear a finished recording.

I think the link in mine is working now, and thanks for your comments earlier
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8558583#post8558583

[Riding The Short Bus]

Bump