could you please rate my songs

[darkfairy666]

hi could you please rate these 2 songs, i am a beginner to writing songs so go easy on me, any comments will help thanks:)
:thumb:
Death of a broken heart

Cupid has been slain he is no more
You’re destined to wander this planet alone
A life full of misery
A life full of pain
Your heart is broken
Never to love again
This is the end

The corpses of a thousand men
Lives all shattered by the curse of love
Deep inside going down
Blackness fills the air
Close you eyes
Say your goodbyes
Death of a broken heart

This is the end of an era
The times you shared the times you cared
Are now just painful memories
Wandering into the distance to a city in hell
Hypnotized by the living dead
This is the end

The corpses of a thousand men
Lives all shattered by the curse of love
Deep inside going down
Blackness fills the air
Close you eyes
Say your goodbyes
Death of a broken heart

The magic of love was in your heart
You felt it there right from the start
You felt rejected and stabbed in the back
The stench of death the stain of blood
Awakened by the knock on your coffin door

Here I come
You can’t escape
The blackness of the night
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
From the feelings deep inside
Death of a broken heart
Death of a broken heart
Death of a broken


Sweet revenge

The smell of new fresh hot bread
The comfort of my nice warm bed
The evil thoughts inside my head
What you did and what you said
Revenge is sweet and I can’t wait
Il make sure I don’t leave it to late

My twisted dreams and evil plan
Will soon one day come to hand
Watch your back I’m after you
The reapers at your door

Cute little kittens and pink fluffy clouds
The scraping sound of a mole mound
The savage growl of a beastly hound
Your lost then found, choked then bound

My twisted dreams and evil plan
Will soon one day come to hand
Watch your back I’m after you
The reapers at your door

Revenge is sweet and I can’t wait
Ill make sure I don’t leave it to late

Watch a little sculling bug
Drink your tea from an orange mug
Go and buy a royal blue rug
I’m in your head and beneath your skin
You can’t escape me

My twisted dreams and evil plan
Will soon one day come to hand
Watch your back I’m after you
The reapers at your door

My twisted dreams and evil plan
Is now at hand
Watch your back I’m near you
The reapers at your door

[Popeye]

"Death of broken dream" soounds like death metal song. Very angry dramatic. You must not like this person. Great though.

"Sweet Revenge" was a little poorly put together. The second verse was kind of choppy. I got something about a mole and a mound of some kind. Then strangling someone. I didn't it as much as the first.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

first one was just a bit of a cliche hate song,
but hey songs can be cliche, its pretty good

sweet revenge
just sloppy,
your new so i won't go into details

[Ilija]

Your first song is way better than the second. Like HypnotiQSorcerer said the first is very cliche but it still works fine. What sort of style of music to you plan to have to the lyrics?

Second song. No offence but it was terrible no where near as good as your first. It seemed like it was just put together by putting a bunch of random rhymes together, I didn't like at all.
If you plan to keep your second song at least take out the first line...Though hot bread is nice and tasty it's never written about and theres a reason for that.

My final thoughts are keep working on the first song make it better, and just chuck out the second.

If you don't mind could you check out my song and give it a crit.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360460

[darkfairy666]

lol well i woz board so wrote the first thing that came 2my head n your right i probs wil just chuck it lol. i will probs have punk rock music to the first one

[stoneyardprophet]

I liked them. The first one was better than the second one but the second one actually reminded me of me. kinda scary. Clean up "Sweet Revenge" and it'll probably do pretty good. :thumb:

[ReesesMelody]

I liked them. The first one was better than the second one but the second one actually reminded me of me. kinda scary. Clean up "Sweet Revenge" and it'll probably do pretty good. :thumb:


I Agree there, Sweet Revenge wasnt the best of the 2 but rework it and it could be cool