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Popeye
07-04-2005, 11:54 AM
Crit 4 Crit. THis one is one I have been working on for a while. It's called "Suicidal Prom Queen."

Why are you always so bitter?
just listen up, you're no better
than me and my boring middle-class life
drown her somewhere that'll fit her
she's the same as the rest of the litter
take away her home and I bet she dies

<chorus>
Inside the lollipop and candy-sh*t world of lies
there dwells a crying child curled up inside
she is wanting more than material and fame
wanting to end all of the suppressed pain
my suicidal prom queen/ suicidal prom queen
my suicidal prom queen/ more than what's seen
<end-chorus>

went to school the very next day
all her friends are hushed away
but still spreading rumors of the night before
I found out about her cut-up veins
behind her half-smile were hidden pains
her pale face smiles behind the coffin door

<chorus>

If only I had told you sooner how I felt about my suicidal prom queen
If only you knew before your wrists were cut and began to bleed

If only I had told you sooner how I felt about my suicidal prom queen
If only you knew before your wrists were cut and began to bleed

Wake up, stop chewing your silver spoon
Or you will soon be over and done
wake up, and come out of your room
see what your perfect little world becomes
wake up, and take off your crown
you can't think clearly with it on
wake up, stand up from your throne and step down
come down, you'll know where you belong

<chorus>

wake up... wake up...

HypnotiQSorcerer
07-04-2005, 05:25 PM
I dig it man!
i really like it man!
no comments about the structure
its pretty well written
rhymes seem a bit forced but hey, other than that its pretty sweet

8/10

Popeye
07-04-2005, 06:37 PM
Thanks, I'll find somethig of yours to crit.

Distance Distortion Factor
07-04-2005, 09:53 PM
not gonna do a line by liner, the only real thing i see wrong is some minor word changes to make it flow a bit better, otherwise really enjoy this.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360780

check mine out when you get time i would appricate the feedback

Blackhorizons
07-08-2005, 01:58 AM
This is really cool man, I like it alot. Especially since I'm one of those nerdy kids you know (well not nerdy just on friends). Awesome song, good job. Could you crit some of mine?