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View Full Version : First set of works in nearly 7 months...would like some input..will crit in return


Distance Distortion Factor
07-04-2005, 02:03 AM
I'm back again
I have three new ones that I want to share....
Haven't been around in awhile, working 60 hours a week just to afford new equipment can kill all aspects of your social life, anyways check them out...tell me what you think...

It's a set of three that I wrote based around one ongoing situation
__________________________________________________ __________

Blue, Red, and Black
Chris Brickwedde (distance distortion factor)
2005

I stare in hatered of the world around me
watching it spin in out of translucent obscurity
percieving each lie spun with another half truth
as it orbits the space between hear and nowhere
each revolution a tear for another fallen memory
another point where shore lines erode
caving the shell that protects the land below
stripped from the soul of the life inside

Each passing moment another cycle of grief
another piece of life taken from the core
A moment of molten joy in a cerrulean prision
reaching for nimbus that slips through my fingers
every failure a scar in the rock
explosure of sadness and lava pours
streaming from the heart of a beaten land
Dust fills the sky and cerrulean turns to fire

Tears of vermillion pour down on scorched earth
entrenching everything in fire melting carbon to liquid
heat distortion steals the illusion of security
soot are the lies once beheld so sacred
a wasteland sits in the wake of my verity
a river of liquid fire turns to rock and burries the pain
emotion wraped in a duvet of fire
as I stare in disgust for the world around me

__________________________________________________ _____

Beautiful moments
By Chris Brickwedde (Distance Distortion Factor)
copyright 2005

Open your mind she said
Just let your thoughts go and spill
Don't try to think, to organize your thoughts
Speak them from your heart rather than your mind

Say these things you feel
I don't know is not an answer
Speak to me without fear
If nothing else I have this to offer

You don't need to speak with eloquents
The coarse nature of your thoughts is enough
You can threaten to leave this all behind
But it'll never be enough to hide

I can't hide my fear, she said
This moment to precious to let go
I know I'm loosing you
Because I want time to stand still

How can you not see the obvious?
The writings been on the wall
Can't you tell by my contradiction of thought?
I feel the same as you, but to afraid to fall

__________________________________________________ ___

K-5
By Chris Brickwedde (Distance Distortion Factor)
Copyright 2005

What a tragedy to watch you fall down
Your heartland covered in snow
Feet sinking through the powder like a scar
Your face tinged with freezer burn

In the space between a blink and a tear
A space where only truth is known
Intention becomes iron clad
And you struggle to climb again to the top

But the ice leaves you slipping
As you search for your escape
Finding comfort in the cold
And you pass to the bottom

Comfortable in the net of powder below
Crisp air stings your eyes
Dust yourself off and look at the top
Turn your back and run away

Tear filled eyes frail like a child
Waves of confusion pass
Like the cold air in your lungs
Dreaming of warmth in a diffrent place

Each direction you turn this cold path awaits
Ice become your heart
As you flee a new direction
But you see the top and regret becomes sin

Your life lays wanting
Feet sinking in the snow
In the space between a blink and a tear
You pass to the bottom

__________________________________________________ ____

Hate to do these all in one post....but i didnt want to do three diffrent ones...anyways...ill be getting around to yours in the next few days, so look at mine :=)

HitHardDrums55
07-04-2005, 02:54 AM
i liked that first one...a lot of the ones on here i kinda have to stop for lines like "let me read that again.." but i kinda just read straight through it...nice work...didnt have time for the other 2 i will get to them later and a more in-depth crit on the first one...thanks for the crit. on mine :)

Spiked
07-04-2005, 05:51 PM
I'm gonna do your middle one. I like the line "I feel the same as you, but to afraid to fall", also, "I don't know is not an answer". Those ones stuck out for me. Good job overall, interesting to see how this would go to music. sry, I know this is kinda a useless review but this isn't the kind of stuff I'd normally listen to....

HitHardDrums55
07-04-2005, 06:07 PM
well then i'll do number 3...i liked it i like that line "in the space between a blink and a tear" for some reason...dont know why but i thought it sounded good...by any chance about someone who has been hurt so many times that they in the end become hurtful to other people? particularly someone close to them? well its good i'd like to hear it when its got some music to it for sure.

Distance Distortion Factor
07-04-2005, 07:13 PM
well then i'll do number 3...i liked it i like that line "in the space between a blink and a tear" for some reason...dont know why but i thought it sounded good...by any chance about someone who has been hurt so many times that they in the end become hurtful to other people? particularly someone close to them? well its good i'd like to hear it when its got some music to it for sure.

yeah you nailed the theme. The first piece is kind of a double edge sword, the whole story is something that transpired recently with a situation between myself and my roomate, which later became a love interest and a very close friend. Obviously because of the last two pieces things didn't go to hot.

At the same time it looks at how i've come to know that person, how sweet she could be, and at the same time how destructive she could be in the face of the lies and walls that became her life. At the same time, she helped me through one of the hardest things in my life as shown in the center piece, really letting go and admitting that i loved her, and sadly still do despite the fact she walked away. The only saving grace to these pieces is the fact that she read them, and based on the fact that she broke down into tears I think they made her view herself from my eyes, a truly amazing person in many aspects.

So it deals with me trying to reject my feelings toward her, then having to admit them, and when things really started to look up she got scared and ran away because of who she was and how she had to live, it makes it so hard to truly let someone inside when all you have ever had has been yourself. Now as for the first piece being double edge, it could also be dealing with either person dealing with rejecting feelings they don't want and becomming angry when they don't go away.Anyways end long winded speech here.

If they were to become songs I would seriously re-work them to fit music, these are more free versed poetry based on a situation that is still on going its been my outlet *i know how original* anyways glad you liked them, and hope to see more works from you guys as well. The MX boards have really gotten talented in the last few years, alot of the same writers have matured quite nicely as have I. PM me when you get new stuff posted.

Popeye
07-04-2005, 10:26 PM
"Pick number three, mah lord!"- guy was holding up two fingers...

I liked all of them all. The one that poked out more than the others was the third one. It has posture and was a bit tragetic ( i have no idea if that's a word, but it still sounds good )

The scond was kind of short and If was a bit longer I'd like it a lot more. I liked the line "I feel the same as you, but too afraid to fall" It sounds really cool.

The first was really wordy and I noticed you used a bunch of adjectives. "Vermillion" "Cerrulean" and "Translucent Obscurity" were a few big words that I didn't quite comprehend right away. Other than the useage of the dictionary, it was far better than the second.

Overall I liked them all, the second less than the first, the first less than the third. Good job on all.

P.s. thanks for commenting on mine.

Ilija
07-05-2005, 01:12 AM
I decided to crit the first one.

I stare in hatered of the world around me
watching it spin in out of translucent obscurity
percieving each lie spun with another half truth
as it orbits the space between hear and nowhere
each revolution a tear for another fallen memory
another point where shore lines erode
caving the shell that protects the land below
stripped from the soul of the life inside

This is one fine verse man. All the lines work well together. Some good metaphors used aswell. The opening two lines i feel are the best it does really set up the song.

Onto Verse two.

Each passing moment another cycle of grief
another piece of life taken from the core
A moment of molten joy in a cerrulean prision
reaching for nimbus that slips through my fingers
every failure a scar in the rock
explosure of sadness and lava pours
streaming from the heart of a beaten land
Dust fills the sky and cerrulean turns to fire

Great imagery in this verse man. The way you used the Earth's core in a song, is really cool. Stand out lines are:-

every failure a scar in the rock
explosure of sadness and lava pours

They are just really good to me...

Verse Three

Tears of vermillion pour down on scorched earth
entrenching everything in fire melting carbon to liquid
heat distortion steals the illusion of security
soot are the lies once beheld so sacred
a wasteland sits in the wake of my verity
a river of liquid fire turns to rock and burries the pain
emotion wraped in a duvet of fire
as I stare in disgust for the world around me

Once again another fine verse, used great imagery to discribe it all.

a river of liquid fire turns to rock and burries the pain

Is probally the best line in the verse just very well discribed.

Overall man this is one kick a** song, does it have any music to it?

Also thanks for the crit on my song, much appreciated

FRUGiHOYi
07-05-2005, 02:43 AM
Right on, I wish I could write like that.

Distance Distortion Factor
07-05-2005, 10:27 AM
Overall man this is one kick a** song, does it have any music to it?

Also thanks for the crit on my song, much appreciated

as of yet there is no music written for any of this, im hoping that will change soon, and your welcome for the crit it was a good piece

nofxNOFXNoFXnOfx
07-07-2005, 09:46 PM
i am a ******
WoOT! being a ****** is cool! wOoT!

HitHardDrums55
07-07-2005, 10:11 PM
what the hell? are you on crack? that is 150% irrelevant to anything in this whole thread

Ilija
07-07-2005, 10:33 PM
what the hell? are you on crack? that is 150% irrelevant to anything in this whole thread

I totally agree, and yes i do think he is on crack