Bad night last night, Please crit

[WaNt2rOcK!]

Rejections

why did i even bother
to even try you
you say, yeah sure
when you mean no way
make up your d*** mind
so i dont waste time on you
what's with this other guy?
another playtoy ?

i dont need this
why do i even try
when i know i'll be pissed
and feel like i wanna die
shouldve listened to my instincts
and gave up before i tried
would've been better off
have fun with your guy

the only reason i kissed you
was cuz the bottle was at me
if you could read me better
you'dve realized i'dve rather cut myself
then kiss you,
you'd know the reason i showed up
was to see you
guess it wasnt worth it


As you can tell, I had a bit of a bad night last night, what do you guys think?

[HitHardDrums55]

last section didnt flow as well as the rest, but it was alright i liked the first 2 pretty well..just work on flow of the last one...check mine out http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360699

[WaNt2rOcK!]

ok. i'll check out the last verse, keep 'em coming guys

[FRUGiHOYi]

I didn't like it. I have no constructive criticism because I'm no expert, I just didn't like it.

[WaNt2rOcK!]

Rejections

why did i even bother
to even try you
you say, yeah sure
when you mean no way
make up your d*** mind
so i dont waste time on you
what's with this other guy?
another playtoy ?

i dont need this
why do i even try
when i know i'll be pissed
and feel like i wanna die
shouldve listened to my instincts
and gave up before i tried
would've been better off
have fun with your guy

the only reason i kissed you
was cuz the bottle said to
if you looked
you couldve seen the pain
in these dark green eyes
you'd see all the dreams
All the hopes and wishes
fade away

how's the last verse now?

[WaNt2rOcK!]

I didn't like it. I have no constructive criticism because I'm no expert, I just didn't like it.

What didnt you like about it?

[SixStringKing]

well, theres nothing wrong with it its just very broad and vague. its sounds much ike a simple plan song or something along those lines..not my type of music but oh well.
really it was too vague.
i say take the last stanza and make that your song
write about everything having to dowith that last stanzza and how you only kissed her cuz the bottle was on her or somethin...just needs more detail

5/10

check mine out if you would
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=359090

[Distance Distortion Factor]

to start the flow is kind of choppy, in the first verse i would condense some lines to make a flow, then use that to carry through out, that way it flows better, i would find some better references, in this day and age it really pays to use euphemisms in songs like this, mainly because the play on the words creates a harsh flow without being to direct and basic...

for example mind you i threw this together in five seconds, so i would seriously suggest not using this...

Here I sit waiting
Four way intersection
waiting for a signal
You tell me to pass
then stop me half way through
You let another pass
like an angry cop on traffic duty
I'm on a collision course
with a red light you never threw


It conveys the same point, but its a little more interesting to read then the literal facts of the story.

That is the only suggestion I really have is to work with flow and use diffrent concepts to tell the same story...

Some advice though, dont pick up chicks at parties :) lol anyways nice start keep working on it

[HitHardDrums55]

last verse = much better :)

[WaNt2rOcK!]

how should i put the music to it? should it be angry metal, soft and passionate or kind of upbeat?

[Popeye]

very choppy. I liked how you made sure he/she knew how much you didn't like them and how you have to be drunk in order to like them. Fix it up a bit, though. Good here.

[WaNt2rOcK!]

very choppy. I liked how you made sure he/she knew how much you didn't like them and how you have to be drunk in order to like them. Fix it up a bit, though. Good here.

Do you have a tip on how to improve flow at all? I'm not sure of the type of music to put with it either.. any tips?

[Popeye]

I was listening to a senses fail cd and that sounded kind of like something they would do. They are a screamo, punkish band.

I think the flow is fine, but that is really up to not me. The first paragraph didn't have much of a rhyme scheme but I liked the "play toy" scenario. Same with the last paragraph and how you'd rather endure some sort of torture than be with them. still no rhyme scheme. Change some words around and you're set.

What kind of music do you play? I'll try imagining the words to that.

[WaNt2rOcK!]

I was listening to a senses fail cd and that sounded kind of like something they would do. They are a screamo, punkish band.

I think the flow is fine, but that is really up to not me. The first paragraph didn't have much of a rhyme scheme but I liked the "play toy" scenario. Same with the last paragraph and how you'd rather endure some sort of torture than be with them. still no rhyme scheme. Change some words around and you're set.

What kind of music do you play? I'll try imagining the words to that.

Well i can play a bit of everything.. i can do soft, chords or super angry power chords, i'm pretty good with punk since my band did a punk song...

[Popeye]

go with punkish... a little harder, deeper, you know? That's what it sounds good with. Do you guys have a screamer? That would work good, but maybe only some parts. It doesn't matter about the screamer, I'm just rambling.

Harder Punk. Th song would go nicely with that.

[SMOK3]

go with punkish... a little harder, deeper, you know? That's what it sounds good with. Do you guys have a screamer? That would work good, but maybe only some parts. It doesn't matter about the screamer, I'm just rambling.

Harder Punk. Th song would go nicely with that.

lol I agree... but maybe you are just rambling with the screamer part :lol: It's a good song though, and go with Popeye on the Harder Punk idea...

Crit Champions Are Born please

[WaNt2rOcK!]

ok sounds good guys

[HitHardDrums55]

well RIGHT ON!